♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
President Biden was set to discuss
his infrastructure proposal today
with the top Republican negotiator,
who I think is Joe Manchin?
In an op-ed yesterday, Democratic Senator Joe Manchin
announced that he would be voting
against a new voting rights bill
and reiterated his support for the filibuster.
So, when I say he's Democratic,
that's just like the party he's in.
Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney said, in a new interview,
that former President Trump's incitement
of the January attack on the Capitol is
"the most dangerous thing a president has done."
Previously, it was go to a play.
[ Laughter ]
So, I'm glad Scollins didn't change
[ Laughter ] after a week off.
And he spent the whole week in sensitivity training.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's daughter-in-law Lara Trump
announced, over the weekend, that she will not run
for a Senate seat in North Carolina,
due to her young children, because she's seen firsthand
what happens when you neglect
Trump children. [ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's blog shut down permanently last week.
Oh, come on, you're not supposed to shut down blogs.
You're supposed to slowly stop posting,
'til you forget you have one.
Then, a year later, you do one of those,
"Hey, guys, sorry I haven't updated in a while" posts,
even though literally no one's been asking
and no one could care less.
A spokesperson for British Prime Minister Boris Johnson
recently announced that he married his fiancée
in a small, private ceremony.
Just what the world needed --
another, less effective,
Johnson & Johnson. [ Laughter ]
Today was former Vice President Mike Pence's 62nd birthday,
despite Donald Trump's best efforts.
Former Vice President Mike Punce recent--
"Punce."
[ Laughter ]
I got it right the previous joke.
-Yeah, yeah, you had it. -So like I know what it is.
[ Laughter ]
You guys remember this punce? ["putz"]
[ Laughter ]
Former Vice President Mike Pence recently spoke
at a Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in New Hampshire
about the January attack on the Capitol.
He didn't intend to,
but that's just how flashbacks work.
Officials in Los Angeles County are reportedly set to vote soon
on a law that prohibits feeding peacocks
and make it punishable by up to a $1,000 fine
or six months in jail.
Incidentally, "feeding the peacock" is also what I call
making 200 shows a year.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and she has an appetite!
[ Laughter ]
A 30-year-old woman in Texas was arrested
for trespassing recently,
after she allegedly posed as her 13-year-old daughter
and spent the day at her school.
Damn, lady, why didn't you just
enjoy high school when you were there?
Wait, oh, so she's 30.
Her daughter's 13.
Oh, okay. Okay, I see.
Enjoy yourself.
And, finally, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced today,
in an Instagram post, that he and his brother will be
on the first crew space flight
of his private rocket company later this year.
If he wants to see space so badly,
he should just open one of his packages.
♪♪
President Biden leaves tomorrow
on his first foreign trip since taking office
and, like all 78-year-old men, that means he's already
at the airport. [ Laughter ]
Vice President Kamala Harris addressed potential migrants
in Guatemala during a news conference yesterday and said,
"Do not come.
Do not come."
Wow, it's like she read directly
from the Statue of Liberty.
Wait. I swear to God it used to be there.
[ Laughter ] New York Mayor Bill de Blasio
announced he's planning a concert in Central Park
later this summer to celebrate the reopening of the city
after the pandemic and this,
this is the guy you want planning your concerts.
It's going to be that band from the Viagra commercial,
[ Laughter ] then, a Jimmy Buffett cover band
called Jimmy Buffet.
Then, at 8:00 pm, everybody, out of the park
or the cops move in!
[ Laughter ] CNN yesterday obtained the audio
of a 2019 phone call made
by former President Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani,
in which Giuliani pressured a Ukrainian official
to announce an investigation into possible corruption
by then-presidential candidate Joe Biden, but,
it's actually not a slam dunk for prosecutors.
See if you can tell why.
-I kind of think that this could be a good thing
for having a much -- a much better relationship,
where we really understand each other.
[ Beep ] -Thank you for calling
the Long Island Aquarium. -See? That's the problem.
-Your call is very important to us.
[ Laughter ]
-Amazon's website was temporarily down this morning,
due to an issue with their cloud computing services provider,
but don't worry, I'm sure that flight
into outer space next month
will go great. [ Laughter ]
Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene on Friday
sent a letter to President Biden that demanded he launch
an investigation into Dr. Anthony Fauci
and provide answers by June 31st,
a date that does not exist.
Which is surprising, considering the last thing
I would've expected her to do is extend Pride Month.
Former President Trump is set to go on a tour
with former Fox News host Bill O'Reilly later this year.
Oh, better lock up your daughters.
Seriously, though, it's probably best if you do.
You know, just 'til they're out of town.
The owner of a pub in England recently discovered
a time capsule from the 1970s hidden in the walls of the bar.
Locals are fascinated
because they've never seen anything that new.
Nathan's Famous yesterday began offering meatless hot dogs
and, for what it's worth, it took Joey Chestnut
50 dogs before he noticed.
[ Laughter ]
So, pretty good.
The world's largest Harry Potter flagship store
recently opened in New York,
which displays over 1,000 props from the movie series,
or -- and hear me out --
it's a hardware store.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, in a new interview, sexual health expert Dr. Ruth
said that 90-year-olds should still have sex,
if they have a good partner, but added,
"If you don't have a partner,
they should satisfy themselves," so, now,
if you hear Grandpa had a stroke,
maybe it's good news.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I'm not going to name the guy who wrote that,
but, if you watch this show, you know who it is.
[ Laughter ]
Tank top!
[ Laughter ]
Roots for the New England Patriots.
[ Laughter ]
Favorite movie character is Casey Affleck
from "Good Will Hunting." [ Laughter ]
♪♪
President Biden yesterday
ended infrastructure negotiations
with Republican Senator Shelley Moore Capito
and opened talks with another group of GOP lawmakers,
led by Senator Bill Cassidy.
Dude, you can keep searching, but you're not going to find
a reasonable group of GOP senators.
You're like a woman who says, "Maybe if I go
to a different Buffalo Wild Wings,
I'll find a husband."
[ Laughter ] During an interview this week
with NBC news anchor Lester Holt,
Vice President Kamala Harris defended
the migrant situation at the southern "bordah" --
border -- excuse me -- and said,
"There's not going to be a quick fix."
I don't know, it seemed like you had one the other day.
-Do not come.
Do not come.
-According to a recent poll,
Brooklyn Borough President Eric Adams leads the field
in the New York mayoral Democratic primary,
ahead of former presidential hopeful Andrew Yang.
Said Yang, "What the hell is Brooklyn?"
[ Laughter ]
Right-wing cable channel Newsmax reportedly turned down
Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz earlier this year,
after he approached them about a job.
But if you knew what kind of job he was asking for,
you'd turn him down, too.
[ Laughter ]
Federal prosecutors recently
arrested a Pennsylvania man
who allegedly posed as former President Trump
to collect funds for a fake reelection organization,
but instead used the money for personal expenses.
What did they charge him with, plagiarism?
[ Laughter ] Starbucks announced yesterday
it's reintroducing its 10-cent discount
for customers who bring personal reusable cups.
Meanwhile, Dunkin' customers can save a buck
if they just hold out their hands.
[ Laughter ]
That's our Dunkin' customer?
[ Laughter ]
Feel like that fights the joke.
[ Laughter ]
"Off to my business meeting!"
[ Laughter ]
Ford yesterday unveiled
its new hybrid engine compact pickup truck.
So if you love driving a pickup,
but you care about the environment,
I kind of just want to learn more about you.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a travel agency
has announced plans to offer
a "Friends"-themed cruise next year.
And nothing says "I miss the '90s"
more than still using a travel agent.
♪♪
While preparing to board
Air Force One yesterday on his first foreign trip
since taking office, President Biden was hit
in the neck by a flying cicada.
And get this, Biden still thinks they can find common ground.
[ As Biden ] Come on, man, let's work together.
President Biden addressed a group of U.S. troops
serving abroad in the UK yesterday
and promised that he wouldn't hold back in his meeting
next week with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
So look out, Vladimir, you're about to get called
Buster Brown.
Before leaving yesterday for the UK, President Biden said
that the trip is all about strengthening the alliance
with Europe. That's never a good sign.
Anytime a couple goes on a trip to strengthen their alliance,
you know they're about two weeks away from a divorce.
First Lady Dr. Jill Biden met today
with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson's wife, Carrie,
over tea. Oh, man.
It's like those moms in the park who only hang out
'cause their kids are friends.
"Oh, Joe -- Joe fell down.
Joe, get up. You're fine, honey."
[ British Accent ] Boris. Boris, what did you just put
in your mouth? Spit it out, Boris.
After President Biden this week
told her he would end their infrastructure negotiations,
Republican Senator Shelley Moore Capito
said in an interview yesterday
that she was disappointed in Biden's decision.
Said progressives, "Disappointed in Biden?
Finally, some common ground."
Vice President Kamala Harris invited every female senator
to a dinner next week at her residence,
while Kyrsten Sinema invited them to...
adult Quidditch?
And a midnight screening of "Rocky Horror"?
France is reportedly sending the U.S.
a replica statue of -- a replica Statue of Liberty,
excuse me, nicknamed "The Little Sister,"
and it'll be the only foreigner we let in this year.
The final episode of the reality show
"Keeping Up with the Kardashians" aired tonight
and, if you've never seen the show before,
trust me, you've kept up.
They're sisters and they're rich.
Got it.
My wife loves that show. I've never seen an episode.
I only hear it while she's watching it on her phone
and I feel like I've heard this a hundred times.
[ Crying ] "It is just really hard having sisters."
And finally, Mattel announced today
that it will launch a new line of Barbies
that are made from recycled plastic,
called Barbie Loves the Ocean.
Which a great idea.
I just wish they'd recycled it a little bit more.
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]