- So what do you do when you've finally met
that special someone, you're clicking,
you've fallen in love, you've got this great relationship,
but then their in-laws come into the picture,
and that creates a whole nother level of conflict?
Today we're gonna be talking
about three powerful ways to deal with difficult in-laws.
Check it out.
(upbeat music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs,
and I'm the co-founder and executive director
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
take a moment and click that subscribe button
and click that little bell,
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
So now I'm coming to you today from the desk of Mat Boggs,
and my team forwarded me an email that came in,
grabbed my attention, thought it might be relevant
to something that you would be going through,
either now or later, and here's what this woman writes.
Check this out.
This is Camilla.
And Camilla says, "Mat I'm one of your followers,
and thanks to your advice and content,
I have found my dream man already.
He's perfect and we get along very well
and we're happy with each other.
However, his mother?"
Then she puts "OMG".
(Mat laughs)
You know there's a whole lot that is encompassed
in those three letters right there.
She goes, "I'll spare you all the details.
But my point is, it would be great
if you could develop content on how to deal
on our own and as a couple with in-laws, ex-spouses,
with or without kids.
Unfortunately after all the challenge it is to find
and keep a partner and a relationship,
we all want to be happily ever after
until death do us part.
Not until in-laws do us part.
Hoping you consider the suggestion
and looking forward to seeing the added content
on the above, hopefully this year."
Well Camilla, thank you for sending this in.
And yes, let's dive into this right now
because so many people have this same experience.
You're in a great relationship with somebody.
You love that relationship.
It's passionate, it's meaningful, it's amazing.
And that comes with family or close friends
or relatives that aren't so easy to deal with.
And that's just the nature of life.
Our ability to evolve spiritually on this planet I believe
is tied to our ability
to learn how to give and receive love better.
And that doesn't happen when everything is just easy.
But it's often the most challenging people in our lives,
those are the ones that actually cause our hearts
to evolve the most.
I remember the Dalai Lama talking about this
and suggesting that it's really been the Chinese government
that have had the largest role
in helping him evolve his heart
because without the Chinese government murdering
and decimating not only his people
but their culture, the Tibetan culture,
he wouldn't have to have evolved his heart
to have the capacity for compassion that he has.
And so that's one beautiful mindset
that we can bring to this is saying,
okay, difficult people equal a greater capacity
in ourselves to love.
It doesn't mean it's easy,
but without that force in our lives,
we wouldn't have to evolve our hearts any larger.
And so the first concept when you're dealing
with someone who's difficult,
they're just tough to be around,
is to recognize that they're giving you the best
that they can.
If they knew better, they would do better.
And it's a really tough concept to get at first.
I think it's always easy for us to hold people
to a higher standard and say, well, they can do better.
And we believe in the potential in people,
but at the end of the day,
if that's the way they're operating
then that's clearly what their level of consciousness is.
And often we'll take someone who's only giving us,
you know, six ounces of respect and hold them to saying,
no you should be giving me 12 ounces of respect right now.
Well, what if their glass really only has six?
Really what they're giving you is everything
that they've got.
Then what you do is you start to make different decisions.
You can say, okay, if it's this person's nature,
if this is their personality is at this level
of consciousness then how am I gonna engage
in that kind of a relationship.
If you're in the wild and you're gonna go up
to a scorpion and you're gonna pick that scorpion up
and you're gonna play with that scorpion.
And you're gonna say, oh, I like the scorpion.
Even if the scorpion doesn't sting you in that moment,
if after a while of playing with that scorpion,
the scorpion stings you, do you get mad at the scorpion?
No, because that's the scorpion's nature is to sting.
Instead, what you do if you want
to have a relationship with that scorpion,
if you want to be closer to that scorpion,
what you do is you put on protective gear,
(Mat laughs) you put on a glove.
Even if the scorpion does attempt to sting you,
it doesn't injure you, it doesn't hurt you.
You can do the same thing mentally with in-laws.
And I first learned this concept
called the bubble of peace from our doula.
When my wife, Irene, was pregnant with our first child,
Isabella, Irene wanted to give natural childbirth.
And our doula talked about how important Irene's mindset
is when she was about to give birth
and how sometimes doctors or nurses will come in
and they'll have their own agenda.
And they'll flip on the lights
or they will say something that, you know,
talk about C-sections or put some thoughts
or ideas that aren't in alignment
with really what my wife would want.
And really don't serve Irene.
The doula talked about this thing
called the bubble of peace.
She goes before someone comes in
or before you're gonna have this conversation with someone,
mentally imagine that you've got a bubble of peace
around you and that nothing can infiltrate.
Nothing can penetrate this bubble of peace.
So if you're gonna engage in an in-law that's challenging,
before you even enter the room,
before you even go into the house,
or they come into your space,
put a mental bubble of peace around you,
this beautiful golden light bubble of peace
and then whatever comment they make,
they make some snide comment about the way your house looks
or the way your food tastes,
or the clothes that you're wearing,
or what you did last weekend
and how that wasn't the right move.
Whatever comment they make,
imagine that that comment bounces off the bubble of peace
and goes right back to them.
Eleanor Roosevelt has a great quote where she says,
"All of the water in the world can't drown you
if it doesn't get in you."
And your bubble of peace prevents
those negative, snide comments from getting inside of you
and it protects your energy field.
So that's the first thing is to employ that bubble of peace
to help protect your energy.
Number two is detach your kindness from their response.
It's really easy to connect the desire to be kind
to someone with how they respond to our kindness.
Like if you say, oh my gosh, this is such a beautiful meal.
Thank you for, it's delicious,
thank you for making this meal.
And the person is delighted at your response
where they say, oh, thank you so much, that's so kind.
It's easy to be nice to that person, isn't it?
It's easier versus if you say,
hey, this is a beautiful meal.
And they say, well, it's a lot better
than the meal you served us last week.
Or they have some comeback that's either critical
or hurtful or cynical or something like that.
It's less easy to be nice to that person.
But if you know that it's that person's nature.
If you know that that's just the way that they are.
They just come out with these negative, horrible,
critical ways of being.
Number one you get to decide how much you're
in that environment.
But if that human being matters to the person
that you love chances are you're gonna be around them
at some point.
And so what you can do is make a commitment
to kindness irrespective of their response.
And in that bubble of peace, say, you know what,
I'm gonna offer olive branches,
I'm gonna offer nice comments
whether they receive them or not.
'Cause often people are so unhappy with their own life,
they're so unhappy with themselves,
any positive comment, the only thing they know what to do
with that is to twist it, manipulate it, degrade it,
or cast it aside, right?
They have a very hard time
letting those positive comments land.
But if you just continue to be that person of love,
offer the olive branch, and extend that kindness,
it can have massive transformational results.
I remember this great joke that my mother told me one time.
She said this man was really upset with his mother-in-law
and wanted to take her out.
He's like, you know what?
I hate my mother-in-law.
I hate her, I'm gonna kill her.
And so he goes to the wise man of the village
and he says I want you to help me get rid
of my mother-in-law.
She's just poisonous, she's horrible.
Let's, I want to kill her.
And the wise men said, okay,
I will help you kill your mother-in-law.
But here's what we must do first.
For two months you have to be the nicest you've ever been
to your mother-in-law.
Help her with the food, help her around the house,
help fix these things, do errands for her
so that by the time you finally kill her,
no one will suspect that it's you.
Because they will all assume you
love your mother-in-law too much.
And so the man says, oh, that's a brilliant idea.
I love that idea.
I'm gonna go be nice to my mother-in-law.
Then we will kill her.
Wise man, he says, okay.
Man goes away.
Two months later the gentleman who was mad
at his mother-in-law doesn't come back to see the wise man.
And about a month after that the wise man
is in the village at the farmer's market
and getting vegetables.
And he sees the man with his mother-in-law
and he's like, sir.
The wise man goes up to the man and says, sir, come here.
And the gentleman moves away from his mother-in-law says,
yeah, can I help you?
And he is like, well, are we gonna kill your mother-in-law?
You came to see me, kill your mother-in-law.
And it's been now three months.
How things going?
Are you ready to take her out?
And the man was like, oh my gosh,
I can't even believe that I had that conversation with you.
I can't kill my mother-in-law, I love her too much.
(Mat laughs)
And I love that story because often how we pour
into somebody else, how we give to them,
it's there's a power that can happen in that moment.
It has the power to transform that relationship.
And it's often when we hold back our own love
and compassion and kindness
because the other person's holding back,
that's when the relationship separates and denigrates.
But if you can,
irrespective of their response to your kindness,
continue to add on the kindness,
eventually you will see a shift.
And the last step, number three,
when dealing with difficult in-laws
is to remember that appreciating feedback
doesn't equal implementing feedback.
So in other words, one of the most challenging things
about difficult in-laws is where they've got an opinion
about everything, right?
They want to tell you how to raise your kids.
They want to tell you what you should be eating.
They want to tell you how you got to have your house.
They want to tell you how to cook.
They want to tell you when you should be back,
where should travel, all of that stuff.
And they've got opinions about everything,
opinions about the way you're doing stuff.
They want you to change how you're doing things.
And so it can be really tempting
to engage and debate those opinions.
But you gotta remember, you're an adult.
You are the queen or the king of your domain.
You get to make the decisions for your life.
You get to make the decisions for your home.
And so if an outside person has an opinion
about the way things are, you don't have to engage
and debate in order to remain
doing things the way that you want to do those things.
All that you need to do in that moment
is simply say thank you for your feedback.
Thank you for your input.
Oh, you know what, thank you for your input.
You don't even have to say that's a great idea
but just say thank you for your input.
Thank you for your feedback.
That way they know that you heard them.
And that if you even want to take it one step further
and say, thank you for their feedback,
I'm gonna consider that.
Doesn't mean you're gonna do it.
It just means you're gonna consider it.
That is a way better response.
And most people don't even know that they have the ability
to not engage and debate those things.
They have the, you are fully empowered
to just say, you know what, thank you for your feedback.
And then move on, switch the topic.
And move on as something else that you both can agree upon.
And that way, when you're together, you're able to navigate
away from the bumpy, tumultuous,
conflict-ridden conversation paths,
more to the things that you know you can agree on,
that you know you're gonna have a good connection towards
and make it through that interaction.
So implement the bubble of peace
before you even get together.
Recognize that your kindness does not have
to be dictated by their response.
You can give kindness irrespective of their response.
And you can receive feedback
without actually implementing that feedback.
And honor the contribution that they're trying to make,
recognizing that whatever feedback they are giving,
they're giving it because at some place in them,
recognize it's not them trying to control you
or manipulate you or all of that,
instead make meaning out of it that you know what,
this is their best attempt at loving me right now.
This is their best attempt at caring about me right now.
And when you take it from that place
and simply say thank you for your feedback,
it transforms everything.
So my question for you is what have you found
to be great ways to deal with difficult in-laws?
Go ahead and share those strategies and comments
in the comment section below.
I appreciate you.
You've got this and I'll talk to you soon.
(upbeat music)