(folk music)
- [Sir Lancelot] Good day sir, I am Sir Lancelot,
Knight of the Round Table
and I have come to you for advice.
You see my wench and I have decided to engage
in some bawdy behaviour.
-[Merchant] Here, in my shop?
- [Sir Lancelot] No! Not in your shop.
At my wench's cosh.
- [Merchant] Cosh?
- [Sir Lancelot] Yes, cosh is medieval for house.
My wench's house, to be precise.
- [Queen Guinevere] We agreed I was gonna play Queen Guinevere,
not a wench.
-[Sir Lancelot] Fine. Queen Guinevere and I have decided
to have coitus together.
-[Queen Guinevere] He means sex.
- [Merchant] Ah.
-[Sir Lancelot] Which presents us with a bit of a quandary you see,
do you have a cure that would prevent her
from becoming gravid.
- [Merchant] Gravid?
- [Queen Guinevere] Preggers.
- [Merchant] Oh, you're looking for contraceptive advice.
-[Sir Lancelot] What the contracepta-madoodle
are you talking about my good man?
- [Queen Guinevere] You don't know what contraception is?
- [Sir Lancelot] Of course I do, they don't call me
Sir Contraception-a-lot for nothing. (laughs)
- [Queen Guinevere] Nobody calls him that.
-[Sir Lancelot] Here we go, contraception is a
machine or device, especially a strange or cumbersome one.
- [Queen Guinevere] Did you just type in contraption instead of contraception?
- [Sir Lancelot] Uh, I jest! (laughs)
Uh no, contraception is the intentional prevention
of conception and pregnancy, some contraceptions
do have side effects.
Consult the family planning site for more information.
-[Merchant] Well there are many methods available.
[Sir Lancelot] Well what about this one over here, eh?
What's in that packet, an after dinner mint? (laughs)
-[Merchant] No, that's a condom.
- [Sir Lancelot] Like the bird?
- [Merchant] No, that's a condor.
That is a condom, a rubber sheath worn on your penis
during sex to use as contraception.
It also prevents infections.
-[Sir Lancelot] Ah, infections, good, because I don't want to
get the plague, or dropsy,
or become a witch. (laughs)
- [Queen Guinevere] Please, continue.
- [Merchant] There are also hormonal methods of contraception.
The pill is a hormonal option, available to women,
by prescription from your doctor.
It's a very effective method of contraception,
99.7% if used correctly.
Although it does not protect against STIs.
For emergency contraception, there is the morning after pill
which is a hormonal method of contraception.
It prevents or delays ovulation in that cycle.
It may also prevent a fertilised egg
from sticking to the uterus.
It prevents 89% of pregnancies,
if taken up to 72 hours after the event.
(laughs)
There are diaphragms, that act as barriers,
blocking the sperm when inserted
into the vagina correctly.
There are cervical caps, which prevent pregnancy
in a similar way, and of course there are IUDs.
Tiny contraceptions that are inserted into the uterus.
What are you doing?
-[Sir Lancelot] Oh, yes, I do not want to forget any of this, so.
- [Merchant] Ah. (laughs)
And then there are birth control implants like Implanon.
Implanon is a hormonal implant,
inserted under the skin of the upper arm.
It contains a hormone that prevents ovulation
and sperm from getting into the cervix.
It lasts for three years,
and has a near 100% effectiveness.
- [Sir Lancelot] And once you're done with it you can use it
like a toothpick, like so. (laughs)
- [Queen Guinevere] Actually I think we'll stick with abstinence.
- [Merchant] Excellent choice m'lady, that is free after all.
-[Sir Lancelot] Well terrific, does that come in pill form perchance?
- [Queen Guinevere] You don't know what abstinence is, do you?
- [Sir Lancelot] Of course I do.
Abstinence, the act to abstain or
to not engage in sexual relations.
Oh.
Two roots please.
Thank you.