Fear of commitment is a common theme in love songs and movies. It exists
between both men and women; however, in this society we seem to see it more with
men, or maybe we excuse it more with men. No matter if you're a man or woman, the
person who suffers the most is a person in love with someone with a commitment
phobia. Today on Reaction Reset, I'm going to talk about questions to ask yourself
as well as reasons commitment phobia may exist with the person you love.
When you're in love with someone that has a deep fear of relationships or
a commitment phobia, the first thing you're going to notice is that the
relationship seems to have a lot of stops. It will be going perfectly - you feel
closer and in love with the person and then, all of a sudden, it stops. And there
seems to be a stop this 'stop and go' pattern. It is very important for the
commitment phobic person, because they need to feel like they have a little bit
of control. So each stop is a way for them to feel a little bit more in
control of themselves. Still, they're terrified of being lost in the
relationship so let's talk a little bit about why people become so afraid of
relationships. It happens early in childhood. It can be a deep trauma, it can
be something the child witnessed - things like a parent parental separation or
divorce or going through another sibling's death or losing someone of
significance. If they lost a parent through death or illness, witnessing any
types of abuse in the family, or extended family. If they had a parent who
was afraid of commitment or afraid of being deeply intimate with someone, that
parent will role model those behaviors to the child. Commitment phobia is fueled
by our perception. The further things are progressing, the more dependent the
person realizes they are upon the relationship, and this is what really
causes the anxiety. The fearful person becomes feeling like they're not in
control or they start doubting, "Maybe I have the wrong person."
If they adopt a pet, the wrong pet. And because of these constant thoughts
they get deeper and deeper into their anxiety,
and become more and more fearful. If you're in love with a commitment-phobic
person, then it's important that you can identify the fear with the next three
styles I'm going to give you. As you go through the list if you can identify it
then you can begin working on it and hopefully create a different feeling
and thoughts for yourself. Is their fear of the commitment in and of itself?
Basically, you have to make any intimate contact or it doesn't happen. All the
decisions are going to be on your part. The fearful person does not want to make
a decision because it forces them to think more deeply about the relationship.
Is the fear of commitment more about them committing to you as their partner?
If you're going through this what you're going to feel like is you are not valued.
You're not really a priority - you're second best, you're a fallback person. This leaves you
feeling totally unloved or really uncared for. Is their fear of commitment
about trusting love? You'll know this one because if this is your partner, your
partner has no problem committing to other areas. They are clear about loving
you. In fact, they will tell you and commit to you that they love you.
They're just fearful that something is going to happen to destroy that
relationship - that love they feel for you. They are loving, they're attentive,
they're kind, they're gentle, but they are fearful. They're fearful of losing what
they value most. Being the partner of a commitment phobic person is really hard,
because there's a lot of push and pull. There's a lot of waiting, and many times
these relationships don't work out because the partner gives up. If you
struggle with a commitment phobia, it's important to remember your partner
cannot take this away from you. You may be with someone
you really care about and someone really good for you, but if you're telling
yourself your commitment phobia will go away if you're
with the right person - you're telling yourself a false a false truth. It's not
real understanding. Why you are the way you are is the first step, but even that
is not enough. Taking the action to fix the problem and heal the hurt is the
most difficult step, but it's the most important step in being able to work
through commitment phobia.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.