- New piece of advice.
You're sitting down with your boss today.
You're being strong, assertive, and leaning the fuck in.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[KNOCKING]
- Oh my god.
Jeremy broke up with you.
- What?
That's crazy.
I'm here to see you.
[KNOCKING]
Jeremy broke up with me.
I could have been coming by for something else, you don't know.
- I don't know?
I was your freshman roommate, your best friend,
and the only person you told about being
sexually attracted to that male cartoon
character from Kim Possible.
- I said Ron Stoppable's smile was well drawn,
and I said that in confidence.
- I don't have time for this.
I'm doing PR for a client at a women's summit
about the importance of inner beauty,
and I obviously can't go if I have nothing cute to wear.
- Are you picking up my--
- I clean when I'm upset.
- I have to be at the summit in an hour, and now I have
and emotionally induced migraine that
necessitates a cup of coffee.
You are not living somewhere from Craigslist, because you
will get murdered, and they'll make a podcast about it,
and they'll want to interview me, and I hate podcasts.
- Get yourself a map, put your finger
on the farthest place you can imagine, and then throw out
the map and go to Costa Rica.
- To intentionally get lost in the jungle?
That's terrible advice.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize my advice was getting graded.
[TABLE BREAKING]
- You need to find an apartment that's aspirational.
A view, a gym.
Something that says, I put the sexy
in successful, if successful was spelt differently.
- Oh, sure.
Because all rich, successful people are happy.
Think about it, Madison.
Steve Jobs killed himself.
- Steve Jobs didn't kill himself.
- OK, why are you always correcting me?
- Because you're consistently wrong.
How could you do this to me, Jules?
This is my job.
Secrets between friends are supposed to be secret.
- I didn't realize there was a secret.
- That a vegan chef eats meat?
What did you think it was?
Just a career destroying fun fact.
- Oh, was bringing me to a big social event a bad idea?
I wonder how either of us could have seen this coming.
- Oh, that is such a cop out, Jules.
You want to be friends again, and this is a part of it.
Coming to events, keeping secrets.
I confided in you.
That means something.
- I know that it means something.
I'm not really sure what that something is,
but I acknowledge it sounds like progress when you say it.
- OK, the only way to stop this guy from running the story
is to feed him a better story.
Only problem is it's a totally dead Tuesday,
and our friend who always know something
crazy going on currently has her head
in the toilet from bad sushi.
What? What do you know?
Your eyes widened. - What?
No, they didn't.
They're the same size they've always been.
- Jules.
No one would be better off that way.
And we don't hate each other, that's insane.
We fight like this because we love each other.
I'm actually scary nice to the people I hate.
- Here's your crutches.
- Thank you so very much.
You know what?
This is going to be a fun learning experience.
- Yay.
- We can both learn what happens when
I don't step in to protect you.
I'm going to propose a deal.
- Hm.
I'm listening.
- If at the end of the night, you don't agree with me
that Dan is a full psycho who should have been avoided,
I will never intervene in your life again.
But if I'm right, you have to make an earthquake kit.
- Fine.
And in the case that your actually the full blown psycho
and Dan's a sweet guy, what unbiased judge are we
going to have make that call?
- So this dinner has to be elegant,
adult, and sophisticated, which reminds me.
No one can act like themselves.
- I have experience with that.
- Izzy, don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog,
or how you that permanent bottom retainer, or that
dream where you're a Christmas tree,
and don't call things fire.
It never sounds natural when you say it.
I just want to painstakingly construct
an aura of sophistication and maturity
that is both effortless and natural.
- This feels like the domestic equivalent of faking an orgasm.
You know, they're never going to get
better if we keep pretending.
- It is not pretending, it's like when you put
on tinted moisturizer, clear brow gel, brown mascara,
loose setting powder, and a matte lip balm
in order to achieve a carefully crafted make up free look.
- Holy shit, can you repeat that?
I got to write it down.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
- Hey!
What the fuck are you doing?
- I was watching you surf.
- Well, that wasn't me.
I surfed two hours ago.
I get up much earlier than you do.
- OK, this is the same reason I hate watching football.
You can't tell anyone apart.
[MUSIC PLAYING]