(suspenseful music)
- The true nature of Ivanka Trump's role is a mystery.
- What is Ivanka's role?
- Ivanka raising new questions tonight
about what does she do.
- For two years Ivanka has held a job in the White House,
but one big question still haunts America:
what the hell does Ivanka actually do?
This week on "Unsolved Mysteries: White House Edition."
Most White House employees have clear roles.
Mike Pence is the vice president.
Rick Perry, secretary of energy.
Ben Carson is Black.
But what about Ivanka?
- [Newscaster] Special assistant to the president.
- [Reporter] Special advisor to the president.
- Presidential advisor.
- [News Anchor] Unpaid employee.
- A trusted confidant.
- Daughter-in-chief.
- [Journalist] Daughter-in-chief.
- Daughter-in-chief.
Does that mean she outranks Blue Ivy?
Yet, in spite of all those descriptions we still don't know
when Ivanka goes into work in the morning,
what happens next?
- You are an advisor to the president of the United States.
What do you advise your father on?
- I advise my father on a plethora of things.
So, you know, I'm...
He trusts me to be very candid with my opinions.
I don't have a hidden agenda.
I make it very clear where I stand on a certain issue,
so I give him my open and candid feedback.
- Here's some open and candid feedback.
What?
Amateur photographers have captured these still images
purportedly showing Ivanka doing her job,
yet still, we are no closer to the truth.
Is she the understudy to Melania,
like in a Broadway show?
Is the White House planning to release a line
of designer handbags?
Did Ivanka Trump kill Omarosa?
Who knows.
But one top White House official alleges
that Ivanka is doing things.
- My daughter's created millions of jobs.
I don't know if anyone knows that,
but she's created millions of jobs.
- What jobs?
- What do you advise him in regards to his tweeting?
- You know, I try to stay out of politics.
- You work in the White House!
That's where all the politics happen.
How you gonna say you not into politics
when you work in a building where...
Ivanka Trump often travels with known associate
Jared Twiggy Boy Kushner.
If you know anything about her whereabouts
of what she actually does at work every day,
please contact local authorities,
and then call me because I want that job.
(air horn blowing)
(suspenseful music)
Republicans: they'll say all kinds nonsense.
"Wealth trickles down."
"Barack Obama was born in Kenya."
"Ted Cruz looks good in a beard."
(dramatic music)
But one phrase is mysteriously absent from their vocabulary:
"Joe Biden won the election."
Why can't any Republican say this simple phrase?
That's this week on "Unsolved Mysteries: MAGA Edition."
Joe Biden legitimately won the 2020 election,
and yet a strange phenomenon has arisen from the mist.
Republican mouths are unable to formulate these words.
Watch this.
- You believe President Biden won fair and square?
- I believe President Biden is our president.
- This basic truth that American voters fairly
and squarely put Joe Biden in the White House, yes or no?
- President Biden is the president of the United States.
- Is it a legitimate election
under our Constitution and laws, yes or no?
- Joe Biden is the president.
- The election was not stolen, correct?
(suspenseful music)
- Look, Joe Biden's the president.
- Republicans seem to know that Joe Biden is the president,
but not how that happened.
Do they think a stork delivered Joe Biden
to the White House?
Do they think he tunneled into the White House,
like some sort of reverse "Shawshank"?
Do Republicans believe in an immaculate inauguration
where Biden became president without achieving an election?
Now, you might imagine that Republicans
simply turned off Fox News on election day
and they never learned the results,
but that can't be it because these Republicans exhibit
a knowledge of Trump's statistical performance
that is downright "Goodwill Hunting"-ish.
Watch.
- The president received 74 million votes.
- He got more votes than any Republican candidate
in the history of our nation.
- Joe Biden lost 17 out of the 18 bellwethers.
Joe Biden won less counties than Hillary,
200 less counties than Barack Obama.
- Uncanny and inexplicable.
Why are Republicans unable to say,
"Joe Biden won the election fair and square"?
Do they have a little V-chip installed in them
that gives them a little shock?
Do they think saying it will make the bogeyman appear?
Or worse, Rudy Giuliani?
(person screaming)
Is "Joe Biden won the election"
some kind of weird safe word sex thing? (shudders)
If you have any idea why Republicans can't say,
"Joe Biden won the election,"
please call our tip line
at 1-800-this-shit-ain't-that-hard-to-figure-out.
Then call your mom. She misses you.
And tell her to bring me a thicker coat.
This dock is still cold.
When the hell is summer gonna come?
Shit. (air horn blowing)
(suspenseful music)
- Critical race theory.
It's made conservatives so mad
they've temporarily forgotten about Ilhan Omar.
(dramatic music)
But watching people get all worked up
about an obscure graduate-level theory
of the American legal system,
one can't help but wonder does literally anyone on the right
actually know what critical race theory is?
That's this week on "Unsolved Mysteries: MAGA Edition."
In the 1970s, legal scholars began to examine
the influence of institutional racism on the nation's laws.
They called this movement Critical Race Theory, or CRT.
Who's down with CRT?
Not the GOP.
And yet, the more conservatives talk about CRT,
the more you start to wonder,
has anyone even Wikipediaed this thing?
- Critical race theory is a religion
of secularism and guilt.
- Critical race theory is the denial of critical thinking.
- Critical race theory is a device designed
to capture white guilt.
- It is about working to change
and overthrow infrastructure.
- An ideology that threatens to overturn
the advances of human civilization over the last 500 years.
- Ask conservatives what CRT is
and they'll say it's a theory, a religion, a device,
and an ideology.
This thing's got more unnecessary features jammed into it
than Microsoft Word.
But while conservatives may not know exactly what CRT is,
they definitely know what it does.
- Critical race theory is basically teaching people
to hate our country, hate each other.
- Critical race theory is supporting
all of these anti-Christ indoctrinations of our children.
- Critical race theory,
what does that do to a Black boy--
- [Interviewer] A Black and white kid, yeah.
- Whose mother is a white and whose father...
His mother is black and his father is white.
Does it reinforce the Oedipal notion all kids have
wanting to kill their father and marry their mother?
I mean, what does this do to the children?
- Next week on "Unsolved Mysteries,"
is that dude trying to smash his mama?
We're not getting any closer to solving this mystery.
Basically, the only thing we know about critical race theory
is that it has something to do with race.
Or does it?
- It's not even about race.
It's about destroying the existing society using race,
using gender, using the climate, using immigration.
- Critical race theory isn't even about race?
Is it a theory?
Is it critical?
Is it real at all?
Is it possible critical race theory is a mass hallucination
we're all having,
the result of 15 months locked in our apartments
and spraying Windex on all of our groceries?
Nobody knows.
That's all for now.
If you see an actual definition of critical race theory
in the wild, please contact your local Republican.
They seem confused,
talking about Oedipus and shit.
And Marxism.
Something wrong with that water down in Florida, man.
Speaking of water, I gotta get off this dock.
Goddamn, it stink.
(air horn blowing)
(suspenseful music)
- The accusations against our groper-in-chief
as governor of New York.
This guy was made a hero
when he seems like he's maybe the biggest predator
in American politics today.
- In recent weeks, Donald Trump Jr.,
the oldest, least Eric-y son of Donald Trump,
has been complaining that a politician has not been punished
for his alleged sex crimes.
It raises an uncomfortable question:
does Don Jr. know who his father is?
Seriously.
That's this week on "Unsolved Mysteries: MAGA Edition."
You might imagined that Donald Trump Jr.
definitely knows who his dad is.
The man says the words "my father" more than the Pope.
- My father, my father, my father, my father.
- And yet, in recent years, a mysterious thing happened.
Don Jr. started talking like a man
who had no damn idea that Donald Trump was his daddy.
Listen to this.
- I wish my name was Hunter Biden.
I could go abroad, make millions off
of my father's presidency. - Everywhere.
- I'd be a really rich guy. It would be incredible.
- He knows who his dad is, right?
'Cause this is like the Kool-Aid man
complaining about other people crashing through walls
and leaving Kool-Aid man-sized holes.
- Whether it's Hunter, whether it's Joe Biden's brother,
whether it's his sister,
they've all spent their entire lives profiting
of Joe Biden's taxpayer-funded offices.
Here son, here's every job you've ever had.
- Does Don Jr. think that he got that job
at the Trump organization
because he wrote a good cover letter?
Does Donald Trump Jr. not know what the word junior means?
Just like he thought "Saturday Night Live"
was abbreviated S&L.
What explains this mystifying lack of self-awareness?
Is it possible that the unthinkable is true,
that Don Jr. doesn't know that Donald Trump is his father?
Investigators have combed through days of footage
of Don Jr. and Donald together,
but have not found a single hug
or even an affectionate look between the two.
Because really, if Don Jr. does know
that Donald Trump is his father,
what could explain this?
- Joe Biden as a presidential contender
is likely the most corrupted
and potentially corrupted person to ever run
for office of the presidency.
Joe Biden doesn't know where he is 50% of the time.
The guy can't form a complete sentence.
- [Newscaster] "It's almost like the whole Biden family
"is entirely dependent on Joe holding public office."
- Am I the only one seeing this?
If you have any information as to why Donald Trump Jr.
doesn't seem to realize that his father is Donald Trump,
please contact "Unsolved Mysteries"
before he starts complaining that Joe Biden
is a racist tax cheater who couldn't even run a casino.
You know it's coming.
Get off this dock. It smell like...
It smell like old foots.
(air horn blowing)
(suspenseful music)
- President Trump is making big changes
to the U.S. postal service
that appear to be slowing down the mail.
But one big question remains:
why is he doing it?
- In a new interview this morning,
President Trump explicitly said that he is opposing
a request for postal service funding
in the new relief package
because he wants to stop the expansion of mail-in voting.
- I guess we solved it.
It's a first for the franchise.
I'ma finish this sandwich now.
I thought I had some time, but I guess not.
(suspenseful music)
- Where's Rudy?
What has happened to Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani?
- [Reporter] If we look back until January 20th,
we'll realize that we haven't seen Rudy Giuliani
on a major TV appearance since then.
- What happened to Rudy Giuliani?
That's this week
on "Unsolved Mysteries: White House Edition."
For nine months, Rudy Giuliani had been spreading
across cable news, like gonorrhea in a Floridian nursing.
- I could prove it's rumor, but I can't prove it's fact.
Truth isn't truth.
The president of United States says, "I didn't"--
- Truth isn't truth.
Mr. Mayor, do you realize what...
I...
- Men are, you know, disposable,
but a fine woman like Ivanka, come on.
(static scratching)
- And then one day in January 2019, he vanished.
- I never said there was no collusion between the campaign
or between people in the campaign.
- Yes, you have. - I have no idea if...
I have not. I said the president of United States.
(dramatic music)
- He has not been seen since.
Where is Rudolph Giuliani?
Is he doing an "Eat, Pray, Love"?
Is he trapped in a stalled subway train?
Did Wolf Blitzer
kill a motherfucker?
Who knows.
Please be on the lookout for Rudy Giuliani,
who also answers to America's Mayor
and Rudy Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity.
This artist rendering shows us
what he might look like today.
If you have any information on the whereabouts
of Rudolph Giuliani, please call your local authorities.
And after that call me an Uber.
It's cold as hell on this dock.
(air horn blowing)
(upbeat music)