- "Study Finds 87% of Chinese Takeout Eaten
by Team of Prosecutors Embroiled
in Late-Night Investigations."
I love that trope.
It's so funny that, you know,
whether it is prosecutors or corporate lawyers,
they're all in front of a big table, late into the night,
and then they just get box after box of Chinese takeout.
And they have some brilliant idea
while shoving lo mein into their mouth.
The Onion is by far the best source
of satirical news on the internet.
And they have, on occasion,
taken shots at the legal profession.
But the best satire has a grain of truth.
So let's see how The Onion does
when they make legal headlines.
All right. So right off the bat.
"Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off on a Technicality."
That's sick (beep).
Probably something twisted like SMJ.
Oh my God, I can't believe I just made
a subject matter jurisdiction/BDSM joke.
That is that, that is a heck of a way to start this video.
Amazing.
"Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs History
Against Soul-Crushing Thought of Spending Time
with These People."
Ooh.
Okay, I really think that the thought
that the members of the Supreme Court are not friends
with each other or at least professional with each other,
I think that's completely overblown.
I think despite their political differences,
I think probably most of the people on the Supreme Court
are perfectly fine with each other
and the people on the Supreme Court
are perfectly fine human beings.
I don't think Ketanji Brown Jackson
will have much of a decision to make here.
She's gonna make history.
All right, "Class-Action Suit Against God
Pays Out 45 Extra Seconds of Life to Every Creature."
Ooh, that hits close to the home.
Especially given the number of class-action suits
I've covered.
"Calling it a historic victory for all who have been victims
of the Lord's negligence,
lawyers represented the planet's estimated
20 quintillion animal inhabitants announced Tuesday
that a class-action lawsuit against God
would pay out an extra 45 seconds of life to each creature.
Lead attorney Landon Burke announced that anyone
who believed they were owed restitution by God
could reply to the notice they received in the mail
or sign up online to receive their supplemental
45 seconds of life."
That's really funny
because that is often how you have to provide the class
the restitution that they get is through a postcard.
It's a whole thing in federal court
or going to this really janky website
that always looks like a scam.
Why do the class-action websites always look terrible?
People don't sign up
because they think that they're being scammed
when often it's legit.
I mean, class-action lawsuits are notorious
for paying out really small amounts of money
or coupons to the class.
Often the only people who get rich
are the class-action lawyers.
So actually in this case, this is brilliant.
If you actually were a plaintiff's attorney
and you got 45 seconds of life for 20 quintillion animals,
then effectively, you're 30 or 40%
of that quintillion animals' seconds times 45 seconds.
They'd live forever.
It's always the plaintiff's attorneys
who get tons and tons of money,
even if the class gets almost nothing.
Plaintiff's attorneys, man.
"Supreme Court Rules Gay Rights Do Not Extend to Dessert."
That's, I mean, that's too close to what actually happened.
"While homosexuals do have the right to get married,
the right to equal treatment does not cover instances
of pastry, cake, or candy."
All right, so the Supreme Court case in question
is a little more nuanced than that,
but I get where they're coming from on this one.
All right, "Man Who Never Missed 'Ally McBeal'
Back in the Day Joins the Trump Legal Team."
Oh boy, it seems like, it seems like only yesterday
that we were dealing with Donald Trump
and his team of horrible, horrible lawyers.
Honestly, if you were comparing Rudy Giuliani
and Sydney Powell to someone who never missed an episode
of "Ally McBeal," I think that would be a fair fight.
That would probably be fine.
And the funniest thing about this article
is that it's from 2018.
The worst Trump lawyers hadn't even been retained
at that point.
Man, we were so innocent back then.
"Christ Sues Catholic Church
for Unlicensed Use of His Image."
"I never signed off on, nor do I endorse,
the sentiments behind any of these candles,
plates, statues, paintings, none of it.
I don't want to have my brand devalued
by a bunch of people just trying to turn a quick buck
by slapping on a reproduction of my wounded body
on a cross."
Ooh boy.
Yeah. I mean, frankly, I'm not sure a whole bunch
of people wanna be associated with the Catholic Church
after all of the headlines that have been in the news
over the last couple of years.
Yeah. Especially Jesus.
But at the same time, this is kind of similar
to that Lil Nas X issue where he made the Satan shoes
and he also made the heaven shoes,
which was a whole thing with Nike
and they didn't want their brand associated with it.
So I don't know.
I guess Nike is Jesus in this particular scenario.
I'm gonna have to figure that one out.
That's interesting.
"New Uber Update Allows Users to File Lawsuit
Against the Company Directly in the App."
Oh no, that's too true.
Oh God.
I wonder if those lawsuits have quieted down.
I haven't heard much about Uber getting sued these days.
I mean, there's the whole thing in California
where it's a question of are they misclassifying employees
as independent contractors?
But I mean, back in the day,
Uber had like 6,000 assault allegations made against them
and they actually funded a recovery fund of $4-5 million.
God, I hope that hasn't continued to this day.
But man, you know, having a button to be able
to sue Uber within its own app, that would,
that'd probably be helpful.
Hopefully, they have now cleaned up their act
and that's no longer an issue.
But it was, it was kind of bad back in the day.
"Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization
that Any (beep) Idiot Can Be a Lawyer."
Oh boy.
Yeah, I mean, in the wake of the really crazy crack
in lawsuits, it really did seem like anyone
could be a lawyer.
It goes to show you, once you pass the bar,
it's really, really hard to take someone's bar license away.
Though, I gotta say, they sort of proved the impossible
in that a lot of them got sanctioned
and some of them were suspended.
We'll see what happens to Rudy Giuliani.
He may in fact lose his law license.
Seemingly doing the impossible.
We always knew he could do it.
"Study Finds 87% of Chinese Takeout Eaten
by Team of Prosecutors Embroiled
in Late-Night Investigations."
I love that trope.
It's so funny that, you know,
whether it is prosecutors or corporate lawyers,
they're all in front of a big table, late into the night,
and then they just get box after box of Chinese takeout.
And they have some brilliant idea
while shoving lo mein into their mouths.
It's such a great TV trope.
I hope it never dies 'cause it's amazing.
Speaking of which, "Everyone on Defense Team
An Equally Matched Romantic Interest
for Member of Prosecution."
This is such a great trope
that of course like everyone on the defense team
has their counterpart on the prosecution
and they're gonna fall in love
and they will betray their client for the greater good.
Such a wonderful trope.
"American Bar Association Recalls
230,000 Defective Lawyers."
Boo. Boo, I say.
Though, in fairness, there's probably way more
than 230,000 defective lawyers.
That's how many new lawyers, I think,
are created or at least how many law students
there are in the country at any given time.
So there's probably a lot more
than 230,000 defective lawyers.
I hate to be the one to say it.
None that I've ever worked with.
The lawyers who have been members of my firms
have all been outstanding
and have not been defective in any way, shape, or form.
It's always opposing counsel that's the defective one.
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