my father was so conservative I'll just
leave it at that
he's so conservative described him as
the people that I try to walk you know
I'll go the other way if I see it yeah
yeah
[Music]
I've been trying to forgive my father my
whole adult life he needed everyone to
be a certain way but specifically he
needed me to be straight Christian and a
woman and I'm none of those things all
my life I wanted his love and acceptance
but I didn't feel like I could have it
if I couldn't change on the fly if I
couldn't become some different version
of myself so I spent most of my time
with him shape-shifting is what I call
it but what I wanted from him I didn't
think that I could ever have
last year he called me out of the blue
and asked me if I wanted to go on a
two-week road trip with him to Utah
I immediately said yes because that
makes sense I've never spent a single
second with him
because I wanted to it was always out of
obligation and out of seeming to be a
good daughter in the months leading up
to the trip I decided some things first
thing I decided to do was that I was not
going to shape-shift
I was also going to stop lying about who
I was while they had already come out
with him as transgender over the phone
this would be the first time he would
see me after I began transitioning so
that was about two and a half years of
transition time and I was nervous about
what he was gonna think so he gets to
the hotel and he gives me a call so it's
go time I get up out of bed I go to the
mirror
and I pull all their in the room into my
lungs and I'm looking at myself in the
mirror and finally I see the person that
I expect to see when I look in the
mirror I go to the elevator are right at
downstairs I walk out into the lobby and
I can see my father outside smoking a
cigarette and he looks up and we make
eye contact and it was this knowing it
was super subtle like nobody else would
know what was going on but it was like a
spark of electricity in in that moment
everything that needed to be said was
said with eyes and we were fine I was
fine one of the days that we were
driving I turned to him and I asked him
if any part of seeing me appear so
differently had been hard for him and he
said it wasn't as hard as he thought it
might be and I said to him I was so
afraid when I told you that I was
transgender that you wouldn't want to be
my father anymore and he said there's
nothing in the world that you could ever
do that would cause me not to love you
hmm
as the trip was wrapping up we went to
the airport and my father turned to me
and he said I wanted to ask you when the
time comes do you want to take my medals
my father was career Navy mm-hmm went
two or three times to Vietnam and then
was also in Desert Storm it really
struck me like
important that was and how like that's
his whole identity and that was so like
mind-blowing to me for who he is you
know and who I am
seemingly oil and water I feel really so
grateful and so lucky that we put our
stories of each other aside and just
we're father and son
[Music]
when I was 31 I my daughter wasn't even
two and I was I was trying to to figure
out ways how to check out you know how
to kill myself without it affecting her
which you know obviously that is
impossible but that's where I was in
life you know I was miserable
and you know I was hanging on because
that's what I was supposed to do you
know it's supposed to be a parent a mom
at the time I had known what I was and I
and I say what I was because to me it
was something that was so negative and
disgusting and shameful so I knew what I
was I knew I was trans for you know my
whole life I guess it had just bubbled
up so much that you know this was that I
couldn't I couldn't handle it anymore
and you know I got this this magazine
and mail and there was an article by a
musician Laura Jane grace she was coming
out as trans basically in this article I
still don't know why we got that
magazine in the mail like we don't order
that I don't know what you know there
was something greater than than me and
this you know I read that article and it
spoke to me it just hit home everything
she said I could relate I was like [ __ ]
and then what I realized is she was
coming out to the world I guess it gave
me hope and confidence it made me feel
like I wasn't alone you know I have a
great family and and friends and I was
surrounded by that but I always felt
alone and reading this article it
changed my thinking I had hoped to live
and I knew what I needed to do and I and
I know I needed to come out I know I
needed to accept that I was trans I came
out soon after that to my my daughter's
mom and some close friends I of course
knew I needed to tell my parents and and
they had been supportive my whole life
but still I was so afraid to tell them
because again I think it was just me
hating myself and so I decided instead
of a phone call I emailed them I think
over the phone there's an expectation of
an initial like oh like an answer right
away you can't have this silence where
they're processing something so heavy so
I emailed and told them you know I'm I
would like to to go Baikal now and you
know this is how I felt for a very long
time you know since I can remember just
within a few minutes my mom emailed back
and said hi Cal she said happiness is
paramount in life of course it wasn't
what I expected and it made me like
myself a little bit more - you know even
if I can't like myself if my mom can
love me and like me I can learn from
that and start to like myself and accept
myself and love myself it's work you
know getting that response gave me all
the confidence I think I needed you know
cuz after that it was it's not easy it's
not ever easy but it was you know you
still have your day-to-day problems and
your issues you know it doesn't answer
everything but I got to be my true self
with my day-to-day issues today I want
to ride it out you know the rest of this
life I'm here
Wow really related to so much of what
you shared about even though I didn't
get into it and mine like I've had a
history with alcohol yeah those were
some deep dark days where if I
accidentally died that would have been
good you know I think good I really like
that you said shape-shifting it's
survival to me
yeah you had to do that to survive you
know I mean I've known even though I
didn't have language necessarily for it
I've known since I was really young that
I'm supposed to be right yeah I'm
supposed to be a male and I'm in this
body that is like doesn't make any sense
to me well I kept my being trans to
myself and only myself until I was
probably about 40 or 41 when I told my
wife and then she was the only person
who knew it eats you alive
right I mean do you feel like you were
eaten alive when yeah you know if I was
out or whatever and got called sir or
whatever I was like it's ma'am
do you you know why you know but it's
because I felt like they knew like they
knew my secret yeah I know it was so
draining you know trying to figure out
how to stand more feminine and like just
like so tired I'm so glad I'm glad for
me glad for you it's hard for me to
share such a positive reception and
response from my family because so many
kids you know they don't get that and
they're not here anymore because of that
yeah I just you know I just wish those
parents I just take a step back and
think as your dad told you you know I'm
gonna love you yeah and you're still
alive you know today yeah and I'm still
alive today and it it can you can save
lives if you can just open your heart a
little bit
yeah my mind was blown when you your
story ended the way it did
with you and your dad being how that
yeah like this story is not done until
we have worked through it
don't yeah don't you know don't write
the ending yeah yeah don't give up the
part of your story that made me the most
emotional hearing your story was hearing
you talk about how suicidal you were I
relate to that and the pain that you
have to be in to be in that place yeah
yeah yeah there's always hope I guess
there's always help yeah there's always
hope
thank you thank you I was gonna say that
same thing it was like gonna race to it
thank you
yes I get out
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