Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, here's something to celebrate.
Today is the last day of dry January.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What an accomplishment.
I can't believe we all went an entire month
lying to each other.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news here. Today, President Biden
was here in New York City to talk about the funding
for his infrastructure law.
Yeah, Biden's speech was great because for 20 minutes,
the city that never sleeps got a quick little snooze.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, this week, Biden's been touring the country
to talk about his infrastructure plan.
Meanwhile, people are talking about all these videos
that Donald Trump Jr. keeps releasing
where he can't stop using air quotes.
[ Laughter ] You see this?
So, we decided to combine the two.
So, here's Joe Biden's head on Don Jr.'s body.
Enjoy.
-But, folks, look, I made a thousand trips
through this tunnel, so I've been through this tunnel
a thousand times.
And, you know, when folks talk about
how badly the Baltimore Tunnel needs an upgrade,
you don't need me to tell you. I've been there.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
I -- I also, I feel like -- is it me?
I feel like Biden's voice is kind of sounding like
a Jennifer Coolidge impression. [ Laughter ]
Like, "You don't need me to tell you.
Oh, my God." [ Laughter ]
"I feel the Republicans are trying to murder me."
[ Laughter ]
"I can go for a hot tub real bad."
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Here's some big news. On May 11th, President Biden
is going to end the COVID public-health emergency.
I'm pretty sure the public
ended the health emergency a while ago.
[ Laughter ]
Today, I saw a guy open a Starbucks bathroom
with his tongue. I go, "I think it's over."
[ Laughter and applause ] -Hey!
Hey! -Listen to this.
According to researchers, American democracy
could be failing 'cause elected officials are getting too old.
Well, a few politicians in Washington
were quick to respond about them being too old.
First up, President Biden said...
[ Laughter ]
And Bernie Sanders said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this Senator said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
No cap.
I saw that former president Trump is suing Bob Woodward
for releasing interview recordings that Trump says
that he never agreed could be shared with the public.
And if you listen, you can actually tell why
Trump didn't want these released.
Check these out.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, that's two words.
[ Applause ]
One word.
Did you guys see this? Amid all the controversy,
Congressman George Santos said that he is temporarily
stepping down from his House committee assignments.
-Yeah! [ Scattered applause ]
In a statement, Santos said...
Then he said...
[ Laughter ]
Then he said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, he said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I didn't know that.
Well, some movie news. Today, Warner Bros. announced
that "The Batman II," starring Robert Pattinson,
will be released in October of 2025.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Not to be outdone, Marvel just announced
that there's eight new movies coming out tomorrow,
and you have to see them all. [ Laughter ]
Well, guys, the weather has been crazy this winter.
Some places have a ton of snow, others haven't gotten any.
But one thing's for sure, when you're watching
a weather report, you just want to skip
the boring parts and get right to the important stuff.
Well, it turns out you can.
For instance, if you're watching a report,
you can skip this part.
-Good morning. Well, obviously,
we're getting a nice break from the rain.
-Yeah, and you go right to this part.
-This is essentially now a part of the Passaic River
in this neighborhood. -Wait a second.
[ Laughter ]
-"Wait. What are you guys doing?"
-"What the...?"
Maybe it was two Jesuses. -Here's another example.
You can skip this part.
-Hey, Michael, I hear you're slipping and sliding out there
on the Weather Deck. -Took a look at this
wide view here of the Weather Deck.
-Yeah, and you can go right to this part.
-It's just completely glazed over.
And...
[ Laughter ] Oh, my goodness.
That did not feel good.
-Ooh, ooh.
-Ow. -That's right.
You can -- You can skip this part.
-58 right now in the Twin Cities.
It's a comfortable Tuesday night.
46 in Hinckley. 57 in Marshall.
-And go right to this.
-In Winona -- Ooh, that's funky.
[ Laughter ]
You guys want one Jennifer or two Jennifers?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah, here's a final example. You can skip this part.
-All right. So, I got my trusty stopwatch.
And here they come down the hill.
-And go right to this.
-Ruben is in the lead. And here comes Alan --
[ Audience "Ohhs" ]
[ Laughter and applause ] -That was a bad idea.
-Oh! -So much better!
Wow! -That's a 360.
-Wow!
[ Laughter ]
Whew! [ Laughter ]
Guys, get this -- I read that Whole Foods
is asking suppliers to lower their prices.
Yeah. We've gotten to the point
where even Whole Foods can't afford Whole Foods.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I heard about a 22-year-old basketball coach
who was fired after she allegedly posed
as a 13-year-old girl and played in a J.V. basketball game.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the coach was fired, but on the bright side,
she was just selected to replace George Santos
on two House committees. [ Laughter ]
Isn't that amazing? [ Applause ]
That's not all bad.
Finally, everyone, it is Tuesday.
It is time for "WeTweet." Here we go, everyone.
-♪ "WeTweet" ♪
♪♪
♪ "WeTweet" ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm going to show you five different tweets,
and we're all going to vote on whether
you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats?
[ Crowd cheers ] Good.
You can vote for all of them, you can vote for none of them,
whatever you want, and we'll see the results live.
Hopefully you vote for all of them.
Higgins, Roots, you have clickers, too?
-Got it. -Every vote counts.
-Whatever tweet gets the most likes,
we're going to tweet it out live on the show
so that you can all like it and "WeTweet" it.
[ Laughter ] It's a shared experience.
Alright, you guys ready for this?
[ Cheers and applause ]
First tweet is...
[ Light laughter ]
-Wow! ♪♪
-That's the joke.
That's the -- No one has phoned it in harder.
"I got a good name for those things -- blueberries."
Wow.
-This might get negative.
-You voted -- It's gonna be negative votes?
-Yeah, I think it'll be negative.
-I think -- Wow.
I mean, it was a stunned silence.
-Yeah, it was a stunned silence.
-Alright, you say 50% -- less than 50%.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Wow. I kind of agree with you. Tariq, what do you think?
-I'm going to agree with Higgins on this one.
-You didn't vote? You always vote yes.
-Yes, I vote yes. -But on this one, did you?
-I kind of did, yeah. -Alright.
He's very honest. Votes are in. Let's see the results.
[ Drumroll ]
-Ooh, my God! -Oh, yeah!
-Thirty-three. -Was it that bad?
That's not an original name -- blueberries.
This guy kind of phoned it in a little bit.
-More like a sentence.
-This next one here says...
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
There's got to be a -- -This is going to be better.
-He's got a Bat phone. He's got everything.
-You can't call him?
-No, he has to keep looking out his window and go,
"Oh, not yet."
-Anybody? No.
-"They need me? No, they don't need me yet."
Alright, let's see the results here.
I feel better about this one.
[ Drumroll ]
Oh! -Oh, wow!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, thank you. -Yeah.
-Now I know that your thumbs-up button works,
that's good to know.
I was worried for a second.
Alright, this next one says...
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Alright, let's see the results.
[ Drumroll ]
Yeah, not bad. -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Batman.
Batman's still in the lead. -Yeah.
-Alright, how about this? Next up, it says...
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
We tried it.
We tried as hard as we could.
Not going to work. Not going to be a thing.
-People tried. -People tried hard.
They tried with kale.
Kale kind of took off for a little bit.
-Brussels sprouts took off. -Had one or two good records.
-Yeah.
-Cauliflower, it ain't -- just not going to do it.
Let's see the results on this one.
[ Drumroll ]
Oh, wow! -Oh, wow!
No, thank you.
-Some people chose not to play at all.
"I am not -- I'm not going to waste my b--
my energy to type in that button there."
-Wow.
-Alright, this last one here is...
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
I feel like it's going to be -- -I like this one.
-It's the Batman.
-Yeah, Batman for the win. -It's gotta be. Yeah.
Alright, here we go.
Let's see the results right here.
[ Drumroll ]
Ooh, not bad. -Oh!
The winner is Batman!
Oh, my God. -Whoa!
-"...a light in the sky."
I'm going to post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a "WeTweet," and enjoy.