- Lisa says famous actor Johnny Dakota is coming to Bayside.
Zack tells her to relax before she cracks
her makeup, then laughs at his own joke.
Zack mistakenly thinks Johnny is dying to meet him.
Johnny politely looks past Zack's hubris
and asks where the principal's office is.
Zack offers no assistance.
Jessie says it's that way,
and Zack makes more unwanted contact
and close-talking with this rich stranger.
Zack escorts Johnny 12 feet down the hall
and introduces Principal Belding to his new best friend.
Johnny ignores how gross Zack is being
and says he wants to tape an anti-drug PSA in a high school
and they're considering Bayside.
Zack realizes he can exploit his proximity
to a movie star for access to babes.
Johnny's undecided after a tour, but Zack prepared
a little something to help make up his mind.
- Here we go!
♪ We're Bayside students and we're no fools ♪
♪ We don't use drugs 'cause it's just not cool ♪
- Yikes.
Johnny lies and says that was great
to make sure they never do Zack's rap ever again.
Kelly's got Johnny Dakota fever.
Zack says they're best buds,
and he's happy to make the intro.
Zack presents her as an offering
to entice Johnny to film there and it works
because she's Kelly goddamn Kapowski.
And while Johnny is showing Kelly
the attention she deserves, Zack is skipping class
to sell stolen doorknobs Johnny touched
and stolen sunglasses Johnny wore.
Mr. Belding busts Zack's hallway hustle.
Johnny, in a very chill move, tells Belding
he gave Zack permission to sell this stuff
as long as he donates the proceeds to an anti-drug charity.
Johnny gives Zack the clothes off his back
to see how much money he can raise.
Zack says he's keeping this fly purple shit for himself.
Zack notices it smells like pot in the bathroom
and finds a roach on the floor.
He says if Johnny discovers there's
a stoney balogny ganja fiend in their midst,
it could blow his plan to meet babes.
Johnny walks in and Zack swears he doesn't do this stuff.
Johnny says he'd love to have an authentic narc in his ad
and gets rid of the devil's lettuce
with a very cool kick flush, reverse spin
to double finger gun maneuver.
Johnny asks a room full of teens
what they think about drugs.
Jessie mentions the time she got hooked
on caffeine pills because of Zack.
Scud goes to pick up his girlfriend, but he's early,
so he says he's going to the bathroom,
the same bathroom where the fellas
saw him when they found that roach.
Narc Morris announces.
- I think we found our pothead.
- Sheriff Zack and his deputies
find Scud smoking a cigarette.
Zack illegally detains and interrogates
a clearly innocent student, then insults
his intelligence just to feel like a big man.
Meanwhile, Kelly is starting a happy new life with Johnny.
He's a solid guy, meeting her friends and letting them know
about his good intentions to one day hopefully marry her.
Zack interrupts to ask Johnny to sign
a headshot he can use to bribe Belding.
Johnny invites the gang to a party at his house.
And Zack finally gains access
to the babes he sensed to be nearby.
Two groupies test Johnny's love for Kelly.
He politely says hello, then alleyoops them
to his new costar Zack,what a G.
Slater wants Zack to introduce him to his new friends.
Zack learns nothing from Johnny's playbook of being a G
and says Slater is his driver, then tells him to shoo.
Johnny lets Screech borrow his clothes after he had a spill
and Johnny's threads are helping Screech meet a lady.
It's like Johnny has homey superpowers.
Screech falls off the couch and needs urgent assistance
for his back which is in bad shape
after years of carrying out Zack's schemes.
Slater, Jesse, and Lisa all volunteer to leave the party and help.
Zack says he'll throw him in car,
but he's coming right back to rage.
Johnny is smooching Kelly, living the dream,
when a friend hands him a joint.
Johnny hits that shit one time,
then passes it on the left hand side to Kell.
Kelly's thinking of trying this scary stuff
that makes you giggle when Zack returns.
He wants to know what the hell is going on here.
Johnny kindly offers Zack him some ooh-wee.
Zack shames him for smoking doj in his home during a party,
then tells Kelly they're leaving this den of sin.
Johnny shows up the next day on time and camera-ready
to shoot the PSA, total pro, and holds no ill will
about Zack disrespecting him in his home.
Zack says he can't do the ad and Johnny tells him to relax
because it's just that sticky green ill shit.
He tries to make peace and Zack, who has been touching him
way too much since he arrived, slaps his hand away.
Then says he was wrong thinking Johnny's cool,
which could not be further from the truth,
and that he's not Johnny's friend,
which has been true this whole time,
a fact he neglected to acknowledge when he was using
his celebrity to sell doorknobs just one day ago.
Zack narcs to his friends about Johnny
and stages a walkout with a full crew ready to roll.
Then Zack narcs to Belding, and Belding narcs to this guy.
- Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, Chairman of NBC Entertainment.
- Turns out Belding knows the chairman of NBC.
And when he's not green-lighting shows
about a blonde sociopath terrorizing a high school,
he likes to appear in bad PSAs that lie to children
about marijuana with words that could better describe Zack.
- Dumb. - Stupid.
- Crazy. - Dangerous.
- Stinks.
- Zack gives himself more lines than any
of his friends, crowning himself new Johnny.
Let's review.
Zack Morris aggressively forced his friendship
on a movie star looking to do charity work,
schemed to use his celebrity to meet women,
and when he couldn't win him over
with this hip-hop abomination, offered up his ex-girlfriend
like a prize, then turned around and stole property
from Johnny and the school for financial gain,
and even though Johnny was being way cooler
than he needed to be,
at every imaginable opportunity,
even welcoming everyone into his home,
Zack shames him for taking one hit off a joint
at a party in the Hollywood Hills,
then rejects the friendship he fabricated,
and narc'd on his now ex-friend to anyone with ears,
then shot a new commercial where he made himself the star.
Zack Morris is trash.