Modern dating is messy.
Marriage and coupledom are no longer obligatory, but an option.
Instant gratification is only an app away.
There's a casualness to sex that can blur the lines of consent.
It's the world Arabella and her friends live in and, as they try to navigate their way
through shifting boundaries, mixed signals and unpredictable emotions, there's a lot
we can learn from their experiences.
These are the Lessons of Life & Love in I May Destroy You.
There's a big difference between wanting and having sex, and they don't always align. This
series shows us just how distinct and even unrelatable our expressions of sex can be.
There's a stark contrast between the sex we fant
And it can mean no one gets the sex they want.
We see: Consensual sex followed almost immediately
by assault, a supposedly random threesome that was actually orchestrated by two men,
protected sex that suddenly becomes stealthing.
I took it off... I thought you...
And herein lies the problem.
When we agree to sex, it's at the broadest, most abstract level: we'll share a space where
that will happen.
But, what that means, to you and me, is more of a mystery.
Even if we express our thoughts and theories, sex is still a personal preference.
What we crave depends on our partner, mood and state of mind.
And, all too often, when we reach the point of intercourse, deeper discussions of sexual
history, desire and ideas, have not been shared.
This can, as we see in the show, mean that expectations and reality diverge. Likely,
because we haven't voiced our stance, or reached the heat of things before we know the other
person well enough.
We shared a lot, and you just sort of kept that bit back.
Yeah, but I wasn't even sure..
Yeah, can you leave.
Who we're dealing with can sometimes only become clearer in the aftermath: when adrenaline,
hormones, and erections have gone down.
In this way, instead of only concerning ourselves with whether a wannabe lover wants to have
sex with us, it should be even be even more important to establish what sex means to them.
Being on the same page about what constitutes good sex, respectable sex and consensual sex,
is about as erotic as it gets.
And means there's more to play with.
Arabella, Terry and Kwame show us that consent comes with many fine lines.
Our overloaded days can make sex and relationships an afterthought, something to let off steam,
and take less seriously.
But, when everything is malleable, where do we draw the lines?
Just because your sex isn't exclusive, doesn't mean your lines can't be crossed.
Today, it can be tricky to set boundaries when casualness is what drew you to each other
in the first place.
I'm just like, did I know this was going to happen... is this a good idea? I don't know
What?
Well, we're probably going to be having sex soon, innit?
Shall we do that now? – Yeah.
As rushed arousal displaces slow seduction for that quick release, it can easily become
a game of Russian roulette.
People put their best foot forward when they have a target in mind.
In the throes of desire, they'll indulge in all sorts of flattery, to persuade us to partake.
But, red flags still slip.
So, pay attention, slow down and don't second guess.
Sex will still be there.
Better to be certain, then sorry.
There's no decorum to the emotional aftermaths that follow assault.
We can't predict how people will react.
We see that with how Arabella responds after realizing she's been raped:
Hmm.
That detached confirmation, of trauma that will sting long after.
When consent is breached, it can be difficult to process, and deal with.
And that's what we see in the contrasting ways Terry, Kwame and Arabella come to terms
with events outside their control.
We see how violation varies, and need not come with violence – something our idea
of rape is often reliant upon.
It's why Arabella doesn't initially recognise Zain's deceit as assault, she nonchalantly
goes with him as he buys her the morning-after pill.
And that's why we must not minimise our reactions: if it feels wrong, it probably is.
I'd like to report something, I want to report a crime.
The same goes with someone else's experience: embrace empathy, and don't try to decode their
trauma. We can only know how we would react if the same thing actually happened to us.
Making mistakes is a part of life.
Yet certain things do come down to pure misfortune.
That's why we mustn't let bad luck shape our self-narrative.
Regardless of what happens to us, we can take back control.
That's exactly what these raw, imperfect characters teach us: to have the courage to move forward
and embrace everything that contributes to who we are now.
Being defined either by our very best achievements or our lowest moments leaves no middle ground,
but the middle ground is what our lives actually look like.
As we work on that, here are 3 points to remember:
It's all too common to be drawn to someone who's bad for you. And use our rose-tinted
gaze to attach inflated, affirming character traits.
Romanticising our idea of who people are, without properly looking at how they're acting,
makes for a messy soup.
Arabella romanticises a drug dealer, she barely knows. Sure, they had a holiday fling. And
spoke on the phone. But it didn't really fare much further than that.
She fills in the blanks, without any hard evidence.
Using arousal to guide us doesn't bode well.
The greatest pain often comes not from the hurt other inflict, but the pain we cause
ourselves.
We must never do things because we feel pressured, or obligated.
When Terry brings Arabella to work at a vegan charity, she doesn't mention the higher referral
fee.
So if I bring in people of colour.. I get a better referral fee.
Arabella did need the money, but was misled.
Surprisingly, Arabella seems to not react in spite towards her, but to the organisation.
The climate crisis is real, my hair is not. And I love chicken.
Eating chicken as a stunt is a cheap shot. If she didn't believe in their values she
shouldn't have promoted them.
Sure, if the organisation didn't do proper checks, they're at fault too for bringing
in non-vegans.
But, this still highlights the problem of doing doing things you don't believe in. Whatever
money is involved, don't be disingenuous to yourself.
Finally, use your voice. Be outstanding. Stand up for something.
As Bella shares her experience with others, her strength and power grow. Being vulnerable
helps us connect with others, and ourselves.
If we're in a position we don't feel comfortable in, it's best to speak up or leave.
No is always no.
And, if you're in bed with someone, make sure it's a hell yes!
Thank you so much for watching!
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