-Welcome, everybody, welcome to
"The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Isn't that amazing?
Well, guys, today is Teacher Appreciation Day and...
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
...tonight's audience is filled
with New York City school teachers.
[ Cheering and applause ] So welcome.
Thank you for being here.
♪♪
You always do incredible work,
but to spend a year teaching remotely
during a pandemic is really amazing.
[ Cheering and applause ]
You're all heroes for kids, parents,
and liquor stores everywhere.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
I'm so honored that you're here.
I want you to know, right before the show,
I made sure none of tonight's jokes end in a preposition.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I know a lot of you are back in the classroom.
I'm sure it's nice to see the kids in person again,
but you can be honest -- I bet some of you are missing
that sweet, sweet mute button.
[ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, right?
We don't care about your weekend, Candace.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of businesses are offering discounts for teachers.
I saw that Buffalo Wild Wings has a special deal,
but Hooters doesn't.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-Which is probably smart because, if you thought
running into your teacher at the mall was awkward...
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of school, yesterday,
President Biden visited an elementary school in Virginia
and he talked to some students about their
remote learning experience. Watch this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Biden was like, "Okay, there's two kids
who are too honest for politics."
[ Laughter ]
Then, Biden started telling his story
and the girl was like -- [ Snoring ]
[ Laughter ]
After the Bidens left, the teacher was like,
"What?!
What did you just do?!
[ Laughter ]
The president and first lady were just here!
Alright, we're going to learn a new lesson, called
Not Being a Rat!
They're never coming back to the school!"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, everyone is talking about this.
The Jimmy Carter Library just released this photo
of the Bidens visiting the Carters last week.
Have you heard of this?
Take a look. See if you see anything odd
with this photograph.
[ Laughter ]
That looks like a second grader made a presidential diorama.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Can we see that photo again?
[ Laughter ]
They look like Jeff Dunham's retired puppets.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I learned two things from the photo --
the two families are very close
and Biden is the size of Jason Momoa.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That must've been a fun day for the Bidens and Carters.
Look at the photo they released next.
-♪ Nants ♪ -Amazing.
[ Laughter and applause ] -♪ Ingonyama ♪
♪ Bagithi baba ♪
♪ Sithi uhm ♪
[ Laughter ]
-Yep, Biden is busy today.
He gave an update on the vaccine rollout,
but he struggled a bit
with the name of the website. Listen to this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah.
That should make it easier.
[ As Biden ] Again, the website is
WrigleyWrigleyWrigley. vaccines.gum.
[ Laughter ]
The White House is like, "Damn it,
somebody buy vaccines.gum, right now, stat!
[ Laughter ] Buy it, just to have it!
Everyone's going to --"
[ As Biden ] Vaccines.gum.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, it's either Pfizer, Moderna,
or Bubblicious. That's your choices.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Biden ] Make it easier for everybody.
Go to vaccine.gum, .gov, .com.
[ Laughter ]
Here's some great news -- next week,
the FDA is set to approve the Pfizer shot
for kids between the ages of 12 and 15.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Parents were like, "Good, because, either way,
they were going to summer camp."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Meanwhile, Governor Phil Murphy announced
that New Jersey is offering free beer
to residents who get vaccinated through its new
Shot and a Beer program.
[ Oohs and applause ]
Which is why every 15-year-old
just said they want to get vaccinated in New Jersey.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, some guy in Jersey's enjoying a free beer
at a Bada Bing, thinking --
[ Italian accent ] Not all heroes wear capes.
[ Laughter ]
Ah!
Some more COVID news -- I read that Washington, D.C.
just unveiled new social distancing rules
that ban dancing at weddings.
[ Grumbling ]
So, if you planned a big choreographed dance,
the mayor just did you a huge favor.
[ Laughter and applause ]
If you're keeping track,
we have an old guy as our president,
tensions with North Korea,
and we've banned dancing.
This is going to be the best summer of 1952, ever!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, not only is it Teacher Appreciation Day,
but it's also Star Wars Day.
[ Cheering and applause ] That's right.
Today is May the Fourth,
and that means news anchors around the country decided
to try their best Yoda impression.
Here are some of our favorites.
-[ As Yoda ] Do or do not.
There is no try.
-[ As Yoda ] Do or not do.
There is no try.
-[ As Yoda ] Do or do not. -[ As Yoda ] Do or do not.
-[ As Yoda ] There is no try.
-[ As Yoda ] Do or do not.
Because there is no try.
-[ Robotically ] Do or do not.
There is no try?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Come on. -You actually did
and didn't try, at the same time.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Robotically ] Do or do not, to that is try?
[ Laughter ]
Well, here's another story everyone's talking about.
After 27 years of marriage, Bill and Melinda Gates
just announced that they're splitting up.
[ Awws ]
You know, Melinda Gates is thinking,
"Finally, I can use a MacBook!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I think they both deserve their privacy,
but, if ABC wants to make Bill the next Bachelor, I'm all in.
[ Laughter ]
We're wishing them the best.
Remember what they say -- "When God closes a door..."
He opens a Windows 95.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, I saw that American Girl
is bringing back its six original dolls
to celebrate its 35th anniversary.
[ Applause ] Yeah. And this is nice --
after the news yesterday, they're adding two new dolls.
That's very interesting.
[ Cheering and applause ] We have a great show.