♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
PRESIDENT TRUMP DECLARED A NATIONAL EMERGENCY YESTERDAY AND
ARGUED THAT WE NEED A WALL TO STOP THE FLOW OF DRUGS INTO OUR
COUNTRY. AND TO DEMONSTRATE HOW BAD THE
PROBLEM IS, TRUMP SPENT 21 MINUTES DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF
A COKE ADDICT.
>> IT'S ALL A BIG LIE. IT'S A BIG CON GAME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THE MONEY THEY'RE ARE GIVING US.
IT'S CRAZY. EIGHT BILLION OR TWO BILLION OR
ONE AND A HALF BILLION -- IT'S GONNA BUILD A LOT OF WALL.
WE GIVE DEATH PENALTY. FIRE AND FURY.
TOTAL ANNIHLATION. THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
PROBABLY NEVER GET IT, BUT THAT'S OKAY, GAVE IT TO OBAMA,
SO THAT'S THE STORY. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL STORY IT WAS.
>> TRUMP THEN DESCRIBED IN A SING SONG VOICE HOW HIS HE WILL
HAVE A LENGTHY LEGAL OBSTACLE COURSE, BEFORE HE CAN ACTUALLY
ACT ON IT SAYING THIS.
>> AND WE WILL HAVE A NATIONAL EMERGENCY, AND WE WILL THEN BE
SUE AND THEY WILL SUE US IN THE NINTH CIRCUIT EVEN THOUGH IT
SHOULDN'T BE THERE AND WE WILL POSSIBLY GET A BAD RULING AND
THEN WE'LL GET ANOTHER BAD RULING AND THEN WE WILL END UP
IN THE SUPREME COURT AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL GET A FAIR
SHAKE AND WIN IN THE SUPREME COURT JUST LIKE THE BAND.
>> OH, MY GOD. THAT GUY CONTROLS OUR NUCLEAR
WEAPONS. THAT WAS LIKE A SCHOOL HOUSE
ROCK HAD A STROKE. BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW WHAT AN
ACTUAL NATIONAL EMERGENCY IS THE CLIMATE CHANGE THAT LET THE
PRESIDENT GIVE AN OUTDOOR PRESS CONFERENCE IN THE MIDDLE OF
FEBRUARY. >> I'M SO TIRED OF TELLING
DONALD TRUMP'S CRAZY JOKES. I HAVE BEEN MAKING FUN OF THIS
DUDE FOR LIKE THREE SEASONS. I KIND OF WANT TO SEE THE WALL
NOW. I NEVER HAVE SEEN ANYBODY SO
CONFIDENT IN SUCH A TERRIBLE IDEA.
IT'S ALMOST CHARMING. LIKE WHEN COLIN THOUGHT HE COULD
PULL OFF CORNROWS. I'M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD LET
TRUMP BUILD A WALL, BUT WHY DON'T WE LET HIM DO A POWER
POINT PRESENTATION. A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT.
A LITTLE RACIST CARTOON OF WHAT TRUMP THINKS IS GOING TO HAPPEN
WHEN A MEXICAN CARTEL SEES A WALL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA DO?
SHAKE THEIR FISTS AND TURN AROUND AND WALK HOME.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MOTIVATED YOU GOT TO BE TO BE A DRUG DEALER?
I KNOW A GUY THAT SWALLOWED A BAG OF DOPE, POOPED IT OUT AND
WASHED IT OFF, SOMEBODY STILL BOUGHT IT.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED BUT TRUMP'S MESSAGING ON THE
WALL KEEPS CHANGING TOO. FIRST IT WAS BUILD A WALL, THEN
FINISH THE WALL AND THEN WHEN HE DOESN'T FINISH THE WALL IT WILL
BE, ACTUALLY THE WALL WAS INSIDE OF US THE WHOLE TIME.
HOWEVER THE DEAL WITH CONGRESS DID PROVIDE FUNDING IF AIR
55-MILE SECTION OF FLAT AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF TRUMP'S
BEST GUYS WHO IS OUT THERE. HE'S ALREADY STARTED BUILDING
IT. HAVE YOU FINISHED THE FIRST
SECTION YET TOMMY. >> THAT'S RIGHT, THIS SLATS ALL
READY TO GO, BOSS. OH, THAT HURTS, I THINK WE BUILT
A LADDER. >> THAT WAS IT.
>> TRUMP ALSO DESCRIBED INCREASED VIOLENCE AT THE
BORDER. THAT WAS IT.
INCREASED VIOLENCE AT THE BORDER.
TO BE FAIR, HE HAD AIRTIGHT EVIDENCE TO BACK IT UP.
>> I USE MANY STATS. LET ME TELL YOU, YOU HAVE STATS
THAT ARE FAR WORSE THAN THE ONES THAT I USE.
I USE MANY STATS. >> MANY.
NOW DOES ANYONE GET THE SNEAKING SUSPICION WHEN HE SAYS MANY, HE
MEANS ZERO. IT'S LIKE TURNING IN A PAPER
WHERE THE BIBLIOGRAPHY SECTION JUST SAYS MANY BOOKS.
>> THIS WALL IS CLEARLY RACIST TO BLAME BROWN PEOPLE FOR THEIR
NEW HEROIN HABIT. WHY DIDN'T THEY BUILD IT IN THE
80s WHEN WE NEEDED IT. THE PROBLEM IS PEOPLE REALLY
WANT TO GET HIGH. ADDRESS THAT PART.
IF YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU, SHE IS NOT GOING TO STOP BECAUSE
YOU BUILT A WALL AROUND THE HOUSE.
YOU HAVE TO GET TO THE ROOT OF OTHERWISE YOU JUST GOING TO COME
HOME AND FIND STRANGE MEN RUNNING AROUND IN THOSE SLATS