- So, how do you stop feeling jealous in a relationship?
You see, when you can't get a grip on jealousy,
it can cause you to sabotage and act out
and even destroy the relationship you so want to be in.
And it's really vital that we recognize what jealousy is,
when does it occur,
so that we can understand it and even overcome it.
Keep watching, I'll show you how.
So what is jealousy and when does it rear its ugly head?
Well, jealousy is a feeling that appears
when you feel your relationship is threatened,
threatened by someone, threatened by something.
And, of course, then it becomes threatened
by your very own actions.
So here's some examples of what makes us feel jealous.
"That person is more attractive than me.
"That person has more than me.
"Look at their relationship, it's so much better than mine.
"They have more.
"They get more.
"Why are you looking at that person?
"What have they got that I haven't?"
And, of course, this is going on in a romantic relationship,
but it can happen in every relationship.
"My mom prefers my brother.
"My dad is all over my sister.
"My sibling gets so much more attention than me.
"I work really hard,
"my brother is a drop out, but my parents give him money,
"they don't give me money."
I worked with someone who got so upset
because her sister had two children,
she had none,
her parents got joy from those grandchildren and
divided their inheritance into four.
And she's like, "No, that's not right.
"I should have half.
"My sister should only have half."
They spent so much money on legal fees.
In the end, there was nothing left.
She was jealous of her sister's children
and jealous that her parents treated them the same as her.
And I understood that,
but in the end, it just didn't help anyone.
We can be jealous
because our boss treats someone better than us,
"Oh, that person's such an eager beaver.
"They're sucking up."
We can be jealous because our teacher
seems to have a pet and it's not us.
So what is envy?
Envy is kind of different to jealousy.
Envy is actually a slightly better emotion;
it's when other people have what you don't have,
they're more successful than you or they get better feedback,
they have more followers on social media than you.
And what causes both jealousy and envy
is because you are unconsciously comparing yourself
with another person
and concluding that somehow they're better than you
in one way or, indeed, in many, many ways.
How do you overcome it?
Well, first you have to acknowledge it,
"I feel kind of jealous, I'm having these envious feelings.
"It's irrational, I'm really envious about my sister,
"my friend, I'm envious."
So when you can acknowledge it and go,
"Yeah, I do feel that,"
you're halfway there.
It's what I call "AAA," "triple-A."
You must be aware of what you're feeling
and then you must accept it
and then you must acknowledge it.
And you know it happens to me. Only on Monday,
on Monday, my book came out, I was super excited.
It's called 'Tell Yourself a Better Lie.'
I started to look at the sales,
I started to look at the reviews.
There are not many yet.
It's a brand new book.
And then someone else's book publi-, I went, "Wow,
"they've got so many more reviews than me."
And I thought, "Yeah, I feel kind of jealous."
But then I thought, "You know what?
"I feel it, but honestly, they deserve it.
"They've written a good book.
"They're much more well-known than me, they've got more reviews,
"more sales, but it's okay.
"My book's going to get lots of reviews and lots of sales,
"it's going to help so many people.
"Being jealous of another writer who's bigger
"and more successful me isn't going to help anything."
But I didn't go, "Well, that's terrible.
"I'm a terrible person."
I just went, "Yeah, I feel like that, it's a fleeting thought.
"I'm going to be aware of it.
"I'm going to acknowledge it.
"I'm going to say it. Right this minute
"I feel kind of envious.
"I am envious, but I'm going to let it go
"and get on with my job of writing great books
"that help people and be glad they've got all their success.
"Their success doesn't diminish mine."
If I sit festering and stewing, going, "It's not fair.
"How come they've done that?
"Why haven't I got that?"
It doesn't help me.
I just said, "Yeah, I feel that feeling.
"Let's acknowledge it.
"Let's tune into it.
"Let's let it go.
"They're doing their thing.
"I'm doing mine.
"Are they happier than me?
"Who knows.
"Have they got a better marriage than me?
"Who knows.
"I don't know.
"I know that I'm doing great.
"I wish them well."
But it's good to see that jealousy can come across anyone
at any time, you can think, "I've got a lovely home,"
go into someone else's home
and we're like, "Oh, their home is so much better than mine.
"Their kid is so much better behaved than mine.
"Even their pets are more endearing than mine."
It doesn't help you. Just go, "You know,
"I've got what I want and what I need."
So acknowledge it, accept it,
and even say it to yourself, "I feel kind of envious.
"I'm just going to accept the feeling.
"If I accept it, it will go.
"If I try and eat it or shop it or drink it or deny it,
"'I'm not jealous, me.
"'No, not at all...'
It has to regroup and come back.
Your feelings are the most real thing you have. You know,
many, many years ago,
this amazing woman walked into my office.
She was stunning, I mean really stunning.
She was dressed head to foot in designer clothes.
And she was so endearing,
and I thought for a minute, "I want to be you.
"Wow, look at you."
And then she sat down and said, "I'm so miserable.
"I have an arranged marriage.
"My husband's a lovely man,
"but I cannot stand him to even touch me.
"I've never loved him.
"I loved a cousin.
"I wasn't allowed to marry him.
"And I drink all day to cope with my life.
"If I leave him, I lose custody of my children."
Instantly, I thought, "Gosh,
"I don't want to change places with you.
"No one's going to take custody of my child.
"I happen to adore my husband.
"I love it when he holds my hand.
"I thought I wanted your life,
"I don't want any of your life."
Because we have no idea what is going on
in other people's lives and other people's marriages
or businesses.
You know, all my clients who are rich and famous
tell me the same thing over and over again,
"If I could have my life back, I'd be rich.
"I would not be famous.
"I don't want my kids to be famous."
I have a client who's super famous
who said, "I want my daughter to be a nurse.
"I want my son to do something ordinary.
"I don't want them going into showbiz.
"It's not fun."
And everyone envies him, but he said,
"If I had my life again, I wouldn't pick this life
"because I can't escape from it."
So I find out the price of being jealous.
The price of being envious. Many years ago,
one of my clients asked me to go and work with her.
I took a train to where she lived.
Her driver picked me up.
He began to drive me to her house, I came across a house.
It literally had the paparazzi all around every wall.
It had people on three ladders peering into her garden,
filming it.
And when I went in, I went, "How can you live like this?
"This is like living in a goldfish bowl.
"You have three layers of press on ladders."
She said, "I know, it's hell, but, you know,
"I quite like being famous.
"I need the press.
"I don't really need this,
"but, you know,
"you can't choose, you either have all of it or none of it."
But she was so stressed, her kids were so stressed.
They couldn't go in the garden,
there were drones flying overhead.
And she said, "People envy my life.
"If they only knew what it was like."
And I thought, "Yeah, I don't envy your life at all."
So look at the price of being envious.
It hinders you from appreciating what you have,
it keeps you on edge and anxious.
"Everyone has got more than you,
"and if everyone's got more than you,
"you must have less than them."
And it's very damaging
when your partner knows that you don't trust them.
You're checking their phone, saying, "Where are you going?
"Why do you like her?
"Why did you look at that person?
"What's he got that I haven't?"
It damages your relationship with your parents
when you say, "You prefer my sister, you like my brother,
"you prefer people to me,"
because you've come to that decision.
You've made that conclusion
and now you're expecting them to argue your case.
And it's very hard for them to argue their case
when you've already got a fixed belief,
a confirmation bias, "Everyone has a better life than me."
When I was a exercise teacher many years ago,
I taught for a place called Pineapple in London,
and people would come in and I would have, like, 30
or 40 people in my class.
And it was amazing.
And one of the other teachers said, "You know,
"I've got a little book.
"I've written down every person who hasn't paid me.
"If I had 30 people in my class
"and it was $5 and I'm short $10, I write it down,
"and I think, 'Two people didn't pay me,' and I hold on to that."
I'm like, "Why?
"38 people did, people sneak in at the back
"and they don't pay.
"But that's because you're so busy
"that you couldn't notice it.
"It doesn't help you to hold on to that."
So, be kind. Instead of looking for what you haven't got,
look for what you have got. Whatever you focus on,
you get more of. You know, I went to dinner with a client
who had this just amazing mansion.
She invited me and a couple of my friends,
and the next day one of my friends went, "Oh my God,
"I couldn't live like that.
"I love my shabby chic house, I love it.
"It's a small cottage.
"It's all cozy.
"I would hate to live in a minimalistic house like that."
And I thought, "Yeah, isn't that funny?
"Being in this amazing house made her think, 'Oh, no,
"'I like my cottage.'"
And another client with an even bigger,
more amazing house,
I was talking to her little girl and she said,
"I don't like living here because I can't find my mommy.
"In my other house, I could find my mommy.
"In this house, when I call mommy, she doesn't hear me."
And these parents put a panic room in her bedroom.
They were so famous, so wealthy.
And they explained to her, "If anyone ever comes in,
"you've got to run in that panic room and shut the door
"and be safe."
And this poor little kid had so many problems
that originated from having this tremendous wealth.
And then her friends got very jealous,
she'd find that at school,
her friend's dad was the gardener,
her other friend's mom was the cleaner.
People wanted to be her friend
because her dad was a famous actor
and they wanted to come to her house
just to get to know him.
And she said, "It was horrible."
She said, "I liked it when daddy wasn't famous.
"I want to go back to how it was before."
So think about that before you imagine the lives of the rich
and famous and believe that it's all wonderful.
It often really isn't.
So identify the source of your jealousy or envy,
and then boost your self-esteem by saying,
"But I have everything I need.
"Do I need a bigger house?
"Do I need a better kitchen?
"Do I need a better wardrobe?
"Will that really make me happy?
"No, it really won't."
Let go of believing that everyone's life is better
than yours, because while your believing their life is better
than yours, believe you me,
they are believing that your life is better than theirs.
And I've learned that when I worked with a supermodel
who said, "I wish I could be ordinary like you. You know,
"people are so jealous of me.
"Women are horrible to me.
"Every boyfriend puts me down and says things like,
"'You're not all that.
"'You're not very smart.
"'You've got really big feet.'
"Well, I'm a super model
"so I've got this downy hair on my butt
"that's ruining my life."
You see, she believed that if she was ordinary like me,
she would be happier.
And you know what?
That might have been true.
But while you are envying someone, they are envying you.
You'd be amazed at how many of my clients tell me
the stress of having multiple homes, multiple nannies,
multiple staff is overwhelming.
And they often long for a simple life, a quiet life.
A simple life is much better.
So let go of what you think is stressing you.
Your envy and your jealousy come from a belief.
Let's narrow that right down.
And here's the belief,
"Everyone else has got a better life than me.
"People have what I want, they got it easily.
"They're better than me.
"If they are better than me, I must be less than them."
And that is not true, you are enough.
You're worthy.
You're lovable.
You deserve everything, including happiness.
And happiness doesn't come from what you've got,
it comes from how you feel.
And you only have to rediscover that.
And so, to overcome jealousy and envy
and learn to realize that you are enough
and you always will be,
just go ahead and click the link below.