Thank you.
I mean, what a blast.
I am so thrilled.
I get to guest host for Ellen.
Can you imagine that?
This is going to be bananas.
So fun.
Now, you may be wondering why I'm
hosting a daytime talk show.
Actually, I'm doing research for my next movie.
It's called Avengers Take a Lesbian Cruise.
So it's just doing my job.
Oh, I know a lot of you may know me as Iron Man.
[CLEARS THROAT] And in case you didn't know,
I'll be revealing all sorts of trade secrets here today.
The back story was there was this wealthy playboy.
He wouldn't take advice from anyone.
And then he was asked to play Iron Man.
Yep, and that's what happened.
And now for the first time in a while, I don't know.
There's some promotion going on.
I'm playing a new character, someone I've always
wanted to play, Dr. Dolittle.
Yes.
Movie is called Dolittle, interestingly enough.
It's about a man who talks to animals.
It's live action, but all the animals
are done with computers.
They use rotoscoping and CGI and LOL and WTF.
I don't know.
I have no idea how they do it.
But it's incredible what they can do.
When I was growing up, if you wanted to talk to animals,
you had to do it the old fashioned way.
You'd take a bunch of mushrooms and go to the zoo.
All right.
Yeah, way, way back then.
Now, whenever I do a film, I do a ton of research.
So for this one, I had to learn as much as I could
about all the different animals and species and phylum.
And the movie's rated PG, so a lot of the things I learned
couldn't be included in the movie
because it's a kid's movie.
But I thought that doesn't mean I can't share it
with you if you're into that.
Yeah?
Here's the first animal I want to tell you about.
It is the Argentine bluebird duck.
The bluebird duck is only 16 inches tall,
but it's hiding something under the water.
The male has a very long pool noodle, water gun-- no, no,
sea cucumber.
Let's call it a-- we're going to call it a rudder.
His rudder is 17 inches long, and it's
shaped like a corkscrew.
See?
So the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.
Just when you thought you might be jealous.
The bluebird duck is-- it's like a cross between Tommy
Lee and a sommelier.
Here's the next animal.
It is a-- so cute, you would think.
It's a root rat, which was also coincidentally my CB handle
when I used to drive big rigs.
The male root rat mates with the female for up to 12 hours.
And then shortly after he finishes,
he drops dead, which is why Sting
knows to stop after 11 hours.
You got to follow the root rat.
Here's our next one.
That's the animal known as--
that's called a Chris Hemsworth.
I don't know how that got in there.
But coincidentally, honestly, I've seen the guy.
We've done costume changes.
Also shaped like a corkscrew.
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Yeah, he's got something special down
under.
Right on!
Finally, here's another interesting creature.
This is an orb spider.
I know I've been talking a lot about rudders and pool noodles
and undercover brothers.
But now I just want to talk about the penis.
The male orb spider has something special
about its extra leg.
Its detachable.
The male spider takes it off and leaves it behind to have sex.
And you thought your husband was lazy.
But there's a reason for this.
If the male stays to mate with the female, 75% of the time
the female will kill the male and eat it afterwards.
She literally eats her ex.
This is also seen with another species, the Tayloress
Swiftess.
Or no, no, no.
She's actually not cruel.
She just writes a song about you.
She's a sweet species.
I hope you've learned a little something today.
And that is animals be cray cray.