Has someone ever shown you a movie that held such deep emotional resonance with them that it often made them cry?
But the movie was so bad that you couldn't help but laugh your ass off?
(Rosie O'Donnell:) Jesse's delicious!
He's gonna take me today to get a new toilet seat because mine got broken and was sliiiding.
(YMS:) Yeah, we're not dating anymore.
"Riding the Bus with My Sister" is a 2005 made-for-TV movie starring Rosie O'Donnell playing a mentally handicapped woman.
Sounds like a recipe for success to me!
Don't you just love it when a movie is based around a touchy feely subject,
so when you try to point out something like problems with the acting, people go,
"How could you be so insensitive?"
The film continuously beats you over the head with the message of, "See, they're not so different after all!"
And it starts at full force with the very first fucking scene.
It shows the two sisters waking up and starting their day.
Constantly cutting back and forth between them as if to say, "See? They wake up just like we do!"
(Rosie:) Good morning! (laughs oddly)
(YMS:) Yeah, start it with them waking up. Somebody was attentive in Screenwriting 101.
And don't get me wrong, I'm really not trying to be divisive.
I've know many mentally handicapped people with hearts of gold,
and it would pain me to see someone treat them like shit just because of their disability.
But what kind of message are you trying to send with that soundtrack?
Fuckin' derp de derp she's so silly. Let's stay in the same chord the whole time.
(deep distorted voice:) It's the song of my nightmares.
(YMS:) You really think you're doing justice to the subject when the main character's goal is to fix her broken toilet seat?
(Rosie:) Can we have assistance please? A rule number one for toilet seats?
(YMS:) The B Story follows Rosie O'Donnell's sister who makes a living being a bullshit photographer.
Ooh, so artsy.
Meanwhile, Rosie O'Donnell spends all of her time harassing people on the bus!
The first thirteen minutes of this movie cuts from extreme boredom to extreme hilarity.
(Rosie:) Toilet seat assistance is rule number one, thank you!
(dopey clown music plays)
Who runs this joint anyway?
(YMS:) Until finally we get to the initial incident.
(Rosie:) Would you like, would you like a cookie?
It's chocolate flavored, very nutritious!
(woman:) I'm afraid your father's had a heart attack.
(background music stops, complete silence)
In denial, she hops on the bus and when the bus driver is explained the situation, he says,
(Bus Driver:) Your dad's in the hospital?
(Rosie:) Yeah... Well, I have to go to the hospital!
(Bus Driver:) I'll take you there.
Mr. Worth it might make you a little late for your doctor's appointment.
(Mr. Worth:) He's a quack anyway. Go for it.
(YMS:) Yeah, everybody would totally be okay with that.
So let's say that you're able to see past all the shit smears on your screen and you're actually able to take her performance seriously.
I could see how this could be a really emotional scene for somebody.
But is it really appropriate to have it directly followed by this?
(sad twangy music plays, accompanied by the rustling of a wrapper, loud smacks of chewing, the occasional cough, and Rosie's snuffling tears)
God, that's the most unconvincing sleep position ever.
Anyway, the movie now drags along with her once absent sister being forced to spend some time with her.
(Sister:) You know you can't leave the stuff on the stove like this, it's dangerous you could start a fire.
(Rosie:) It's alright. That stove don't work.
(Sister:) How are we gonna cook the food?
(Rosie:) I told yuh I wouldn't cook it.
(a dopey tune plays)
(the music stops, changing to a quiet song of despair)
(YMS:) And, god, is everything so fucking black and white with this movie.
Yeah, we really want to illustrate how much of a burden she feels by having to take over this responsibility so let's just have her acting as obnoxious as possible.
(Rosie:) Rachel, I put seven red fishies inside of this can. Do you think they can swim in Cola?
(Rachel, exhales angrily:) Ugh!
(Rosie:) I hope so!
(YMS, mockingly:) Filthy sub-human, you disgust me!
The audacity that you would have to put candy in your own pop!
Whoops! Almost forgot about my target audience for a second, sorry, I mean soda.
Every five minutes throughout the film we're beaten over the head with repetitive flashbacks.
They try to pretend as if there's some significance towards them, but what do we learn?
Fucking jack shit!
Yeah, we already know that she considers her a burden on her life.
I think it was pretty obvious.
One of the reasons why I don't recommend this movie as something that you can laugh at, is because it stretches on for so fucking long.
It's an hour and a half long movie of a story that could be told in twenty minutes
So they just keep repeating the same thing over and over.
Yeah, I get it, she's not very well adjusted to society and some people don't have much patience with her.
But we're gonna make sure that every character is a flat stereotype with only one way of thinking.
(YMS, mocking:) I hate retards...
(man:) She never shuts up.
(woman:) She should get a job. Quit living off the government.
(YMS:) God forbid, characters that insensitive wouldn't look like that.
That's how it works. If you look evil, you're probably evil.
Anyway, by the end of the movie, Rachel learns to co-exist with her sister by following her around and taking pictures of her.
For art.
That's quite the motion blur you got on your camera.
It's almost as if they're just post-production freeze-frames from a video file.
She also learns that instead of trying to change her sister's behavior, she should just accept her the way she is.
She then showcases her gallery of all the shitty pictures she's taken throughout the movie.
Just make it black and white and then it's art!
Yeah! This piece of shit is over!
Don't watch it.
And remember, making fun of this movie does not equate to making fun of the mentally handicapped.
By requesting a more honest portrayal, you're doing more for them than this movie ever did.
A mental handicap doesn't stop you from being one of the most lovable and kind human beings on the planet.
You could also be a dick!
So the film's message was right, but its delivery was oh so wrong.
(woman:) What do you think you are, a hippopotamus?
The way you clomp down the steps every morning!
Some people are still sleepin'!
Not you! You're not sleepin', you're complainin'.
That's what you're doing! You're the hippopotamus!
I got 'im.
(screams out)
(laughing) Oh my god. (breathes in hysterically)
20 seconds! 20 seconds! I don't know what that means!
Go, go, go!
(music plays)
(static crackles, deep rumbling sounds play)