( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE,
TRUMP IS THINKING ABOUT THE CONFIRMATION OF SUPREME COURT
NOMINEE AND MAN NURSING A 36-YEAR HANGOVER, BRETT
KAVANAUGH.
( APPLAUSE ) LAST NIGHT--
LAST NIGHT, TRUMP TWEETED, "THE DEMOCRATS ARE WORKING HARD TO
DESTROY A WONDERFUL MAN, AND A MAN WHO HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE
ONE OF OUR GREATEST SUPREME COURT JUSTICES EVER, WITH AN
ARRAY OF FALSE ACQUISITIONS THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER
BEEN SEEN BEFORE!" ( LAUGHTER )
YES, SO TRUE.
SO TRUE.
THE FALSE ACQUISITIONS JUST ARE AWFUL.
(AS TRUMP) "YES, THE ACQUSITIONS OF
SECTIONAL MISS CLOWN DUCKS ARE HURTING JUDGE BRETT CRAB 'N
CLAW'S REPUTATER-TOTS.
AND THIS SPHERE CAMPAIGN IS FAKE NUDES!"
( LAUGHTER ) AND AFTER HIS SPEECH TODAY, HE
CONTINUED TO DEFEND KAVANAUGH AT A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH
THE PRESIDENT OF COLOMBIA.
>> WHO IS GOING TO WANT TO GO BEFORE THIS SYSTEM TO BE A
SUPREME COURT JUDGE OR TO BE A JUDGE OR TO BE EVEN A
POLITICIAN?
I CAN TELL YOU THAT FALSE ACCUSATION AND FALSE ACCUSATIONS
OF ALL TYPES ARE MADE AGAINST A LOT OF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: "YES, AGAINST A LOT OF PEOPLE, OKAY--
BUSINESSMEN, PRESIDENTS, GOLF CLUB OWNERS, REALITY SHOW HOSTS.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS #USTOO.
NOW, TRUMP CONTINUED-- ( APPLAUSE )
"MY NAME IS LEGION, FOR WE ARE MANY."
TRUMP CONTINUED TO COMPLAIN.
>> I MEAN, CHARGES COME UP FROM 36 YEARS AGO THAT ARE TOTALLY
UNSUBSTANTIATED?
I MEAN, YOU, AS WATCHING THIS, AS THE PRESIDENT OF A GREAT
COUNTRY-- COLOMBIA-- YOU MUST SAY, "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?"
>> Stephen: YES, OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT OF COLOMBIA CAN'T
BELIEVE HOW WE ARE TREATING BRETT KAVANAUGH.
"YES, IN MY COUNTRY WAS IN CIVIL WAR FOR 50 YEARS, BUT EVEN THE
DRUG CARTELS WOULDN'T BRING UP STUFF THAT HAPPENED IN HIGH
SCHOOL.
LET'S NOT FORGET PABLO ESCOBAR COACHED GIRLS' BASKETBALL."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP-- TRUMP-- ESCOBAR
FANS HERE TONIGHT.
THAT'S NICE.
I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP WENT AFTER ONE OF THE
VICTIMS.
>> AND NOW A NEW CHARGE COMES UP.
AND SHE SAID, WELL IT MIGHT NOT BE HIM, AND THERE WERE GAPS.
AND SHE SAID SHE WAS TOTALLY INEBRIATED, AND SHE WAS ALL
MESSED UP, AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT WAS HIM, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE
BEEN HIM.
OH, GEE, LET'S NOT MAKE HIM A SUPREME COURT JUDGE
BECAUSE OF THAT.
>> Stephen: OH, GEE, LET'S NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, GOLLY.
GOLLY!
>> Jon: GOLLY GEE!
>> Stephen: GOLLY, MAYBE DON'T.
BY THE WAY, SHE SAYS SHE WAS DRINKING, BUT SHE'S CONFIDENT
THAT IT WAS HIM, AND OTHER PEOPLE HEARD THESE STORIES OVER
THE LAST 35 YEARS.
AND IT WASN'T EVEN HER IDEA TO COME FORWARD, AND SHE HAS
NOTHING TO GAIN.
BUT TRUMP BELIEVES KAVANAUGH'S VERSION OF HIS SCHOOL DAYS.
>> YOU KNOW, WHEN HE SAID THAT REALLY WHAT HE WAS FOCUSED ON
WAS TRYING TO BE NUMBER ONE IN HIS CLASS AT YALE?
TO ME, THAT WAS SO BELIEVABLE.
I UNDERSTAND COLLEGE VERY WELL, AND I UNDERSTAND BEING NUMBER
ONE IN YOUR CLASS, AND I UNDERSTAND A LOT OF THINGS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, I UNDERSTAND A LOT OF THINGS.
1 IS A NUMBER I KNOW, ALONG WITH 2, OF COURSE, THE OTHER ONE,
WHICH IS BIGGER THAN THAT."
OKAY, SIR, YOU CAN COUNT, BUT I BET YOU CAN'T SPELL.
>> THE DEMOCRATS ARE PLAYING A CON GAME.
C-O-N.
A CON GAME.
>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED.
IN OTHER TALES OF JUSTICE, TODAY, BILL COSBY WAS SENTENCED
TO 3-10 YEARS IN STATE PRISON FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH.
INCREDIBLY SAD STORY.
AT THIS POINT, OBVIOUSLY NO ONE CAN DEFEND BILL COSBY, UNLESS
YOU ARE HIS PUBLICIST.
>> THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST RACIST AND SEXIST TRIAL IN THE HISTORY
OF THE UNITED STATES.
THEY PERSECUTED JESUS, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: OH, NO.
BECAUSE IF COSBY IS LIKE JESUS, THAT MEANS IN THREE DAYS, HE'LL
BE BACK PROWLING THE STREETS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY, BY THE WAY.
HE P.R.'d FURTHER, ACCUSING THE JUDGE IN THE COSBY CASE, STEVEN
O'NEILL, OF RACISM AND SEXISM AND DRAWING AN INTERESTING
PARALLEL.
>> WHAT IS GOING ON IN WASHINGTON TODAY WITH JUDGE
KAVANAUGH IS PART OF THAT SEX WAR THAT JUDGE O'NEILL ALONG,
WITH HIS WIFE, ARE A PART OF.
>> Stephen: JUDGE KAVANAUGH, DO YOU FIND THAT COMPARISON
HELPFUL?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.