>> IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE BACK HERE ONE ON ONE.
I WANT TO PLAY THAT GAME WITH YOU.
AND WHO ELSE TO PLAY A BETTER GAME IN GENERAL THAN JAMES
CORDEN. >> James: GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME, WELCOME TO "THE "LATE SHOW WITH
THANKS FEBRUARY BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR THOUGHT
PROCESS THAT YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS THE RIGHT TIME TO START
EATING AN APPLE.
HERE. WE STOOD UP THERE FOR 10 MINUTES
WHILE WE MADE SOME CHANGES. NO APPLE EATING.
ED. >> I'M NOT GOING TO HUG YOU WITH
THAT THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE ASKED ME IF I HAD-- JUST
TO BE CLEAR, IN THE LAST MONTH, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
SAID TO ME HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN ENVY APPLE?
>> YEAH. THERE ARE A LOT OF LOUSY APPLES
OUT THERE, AND THIS IN MY OPINION IS THE KING OF APPLES
AND YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.
>> I'M A PINK LADY GUY. I LIKE A PINK LADY.
>> AND THAT'S TRUE JUST IN GENERAL.
>> James: YEAH, AS A FORMER T-BIRD, YEAH, FOR SURE.
YOU DIG IN. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOOK AND
SEE WHICH GUESTS ARE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
HE'S AN INCREDIBLY TALENTED ACTOR YOU KNOW AND LOVE, HIS
LATEST SERIES "MINX" THE WONDERFUL JAKE JOHNSON IS HERE
TONIGHT. HOW ARE YOU, JAKE?
>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU. .>> James: I'M VERY HAPPY
EVERY TIME I SEE YOU. >> I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU.
>> James: I LIKE YOUR BEARD. >> THANKS.
>> James: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP?
>> I DON'T MIND GROWING IT REALLY LONG, BUT THERE'S A POINT
WHERE THE FACE IS LIKE A HAIRY PUMPKIN SO I HAVE TO SHAVE IT
DOWN. >> James: LIFE ADVICE FROM
JAKE JOHNSON. WE ALL NEED IT.
JAKE JOHNSON, EVERYBODY. AND AN A FANTASTICKIC ACTOR YOU
KNOW, THE BEAUTIFUL MR. JAY HENANDEZ IS HERE TONIGHT.
JAY, HOW ARE YOU? HOW NICE TO SEE YOU!
>> NICE TO BE SEEN. >> James: WHAT ARE YOU
DRINKING THERE, JAY? WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
>> JUST A LITTLE SPARKLING WATER.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT CHAMPAGNE. TRUST ME.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE GIN. >> A LITTLE BIT OF TONIC.
I HAVE TO LOOSEN UP BEFORE I GO OUT THERE.
>> James: I HAVE TO LEVEL WITH YOU JAY.
YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY ON THE SHOW. THIS IS AN INTERVENTION.
EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE IS IN THE AUDIENCE, SO WHEN WE COME
DOWN HERE WE'RE REALLY GOING TO OPEN IT UP.
WE LOVE YOU, WE SEE YOU, WE FEEL YOU, AND WE WANT TO SUPPORT YOU.
JAY HERNANDEZ, EVERYBODY! >> I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
>> James: IF YOU WERE WATCHING THE SHOW LAST NIGHT,
YOU KNOW REGGIE WAS OUT OF TOWN. HE'S BACK. IS OUT OF TOWN, YOU W
HE'S BACK. ( HORN BLOWING )
>> James: HOUSE OF YOUR TRIP? >> Reggie: OH, IT WAS INSANE.
>> James: WE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU
>> Reggie: FOR THE MAJORITY OF
THE TIME IN MA YORKA. NOT YOUR YORKA.
>> James: MY YORKA. I GET IT.
DID YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME? >> Reggie: YEAH, DROVE A
PORSCHE, IT WAS AMAZING. >> James: WHAT A LIFE.
I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU WE MISSED YOU.
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WE WOULD, BUT LAST NIGHT DAWN
NICHOLS, PRODUCER ON THE SHOW STOOD IN FOR REGGIE WATTS FANS.
SHE WAS UNBELIEVABLE. SHE LIFTED THE WHOLE SHOW.
YOU SHOULD SEE HER ON TAMBOURINE.
STEVE, WHAT ABOUT THAT TAMBOURINE?
>> SHE WAS SO KILLING IT, MAN. >> James: KILLING IT ON THE
TAMBOURINE. IT MADE ME REALIZE YOU HAVEN'T
INCORPORATED THE TAMARINE NEAR ENOUGH.
>> WE NEED TO. >> James: GROW FROM DAWN.
REG, I WANT THAT U USED FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW IN HONOR OF THE
INCREDIBLE WORK DAWN DID LAST NIGHT.
GIVE US A LITTLE FLOURSH. THERE IT IS!
( CHEERING ) WE COULD DO THIS ALL DAY BUT WE
WON'T. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
EARLIER TODAY, RUSSIA AND UKRAINE HELD PEACE TALKS, AND
THERE WAS SOME PROGRESS MADE, WITH RUSSIA PROMISING TO
SCALE DOWN ITS OPERATIONS IN NORTHERN UKRAINE AND KYIV.
LOOKS LIKE THOSE BLUE AND YELLOW RIBBONS AT THE OSCARS WORKED,
GUYS! THEY DID IT!
THEY DID IT! I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THIS, 'PROMISING TO PULL BACK FROM
THE NORTH.' SO BASICALLY, THE RUSSIANS
ARE SAYING "WE'RE GOING TO STOP PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE, BUT WE
ARE GOING TO KEEP ON KICKING YOU IN THE NUTS."
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, WHITE HOUSE
RECORDS TURNED OVER TO THE HOUSE APPARENTLY SHOW
A GAP IN PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHONE LOGS ON JANUARY 6TH FOR SEVEN
HOURS AND 37 MINUTES. WHICH INCLUDED THE TIME PERIOD
WHEN THE CAPITOL WAS UNDER ATTACK.
I'M SURE HE WAS JUST BUSY VOLUNTEERING... OR MAYBE WORKING
ON HIS WATERCOLORS. THIS IS TRUE, THEY'RE NOW
INVESTIGATING WHETHER OR NOT TRUMP USED DISPOSABLE "BURNER
PHONES." TRUMP DENIED IT, SAYING
"I'VE NEVER HAD A BURNER PHONE... I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF
BURNER WIVES, BUT NO BURNER PHONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS THE THING WITH TRUMP. YOU NEVER KNOW IF HE'S MORE EVIL
OR LAZY. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PLOTTING
THE OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT, OR HE COULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING
FOX NEWS IN THE BATH. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW!
THE WHOLE SITUATION RAISES A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
SO THE FORMER PRESIDENT RELEASED AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT LAST
NIGHT, TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE MADE A HOLE-IN-ONE WHILE PLAYING
GOLF. ( LAUGHTER )
I PROMISE YOU THAT'S TRUE. IT WAS A MORE THAN 200-WORD
STATEMENT ON OFFICIAL DONALD TRUMP LETTERHEAD
BEGAN WITH THE PHRASE "MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING."
NO THEY'RE NOT. WHO IS ASKING?
NO ONE'S ASKING. AND IF YOU'RE ASKING, STOP
ASKING. I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH, BUT I ASK
THAT YOU DON'T ASK. ( LAUGHTER )
THE STATEMENT WENT ON TO INCLUDE A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF
TRUMP'S SHOT. HE WROTE THAT THE HOLE-IN-ONE
OCCURRED, "ON THE SEVENTH HOLE, WHICH WAS PLAYING 181 YARDS INTO
A SLIGHT WIND. I HIT A FIVE-IRON, WHICH SAILED
MAGNIFICENTLY INTO A RATHER STONG WIND, WITH APPROXIMATELY
FIVE FEET OF CUT, WHEREUPON IT BOUNCED TWICE AND WENT CLANK
INTO THE HOLE." THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT THIS --
AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF CRAZY PARTS -- IS TRUMP USING
THE WORD "WHEREUPON." ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP SAID HIS BALL "BOUNDED TWICE AND WENT CLANK, INTO THE
HOLE." WHICH IS ALSO WEIRDLY HOW DONALD
JUNIOR WAS CONCEIVED. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE RAMBLING STATEMENT ENDED
WITH HIM SAYING, "I WON'T TELL YOU WHO WON BECAUSE I AM A VERY
MODEST INDIVIDUAL, AND YOU WILL THEN SAY I WAS BRAGGING -- AND I
DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO BRAG!" HE'S CLEARLY IMPLYING THAT
HE WON, WHICH IS EXACTLY HOW YOU KNOW HE LOST.
IAN, THE FLOOR IS YOURS -- ANYTHING IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
YOU WANT TO BRAG ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
>> OOOH... I HAVE NATURALLY PERFECT
EYEBROWS. >> James: YOU DO!
I DO. >> James: I NEVER NOTICED THAT
ABOUT YOU. >> YEAH, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: DID YOU JUST WANT TO
BRAG ABOUT THE EYEBROWS? >> NO, I'M FLAWLESSLY PULLING
OFF A SPRING RUG BY NOW. I'M AN EXCELLENT
CONVERSATIONALIST. I MADE EXCELLENT C CARNITAS THIS
WEEKEND. >> James: IS THAT THE SMALL
ONE OR THE BIG ONE? >> IT'S A PORK SHOULDER YOU TOOK
A LONG TIME TILL IT'S TENDER, THEN YOU PULL IT OFF THE FORK
AND GIVE IT A NICE BRAISE SO IT'S CRISPY ON THE TOP.
>> James: I'VE NEVER SEEN PETE THIS AROUSED EVER.
LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM!
HE IS ABSOLUTELY -- I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH MOVEMENT IN PETE.
>> I CONSIDER MY CARNITAS THE ENVY APPLE OF THE PORK WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IT WAS GOING SO
WELL, THEY'VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN THE ENVY APPLE BIT.
>> IT WAS THE APPLE FROM EARLIER IN THE MONOLOGUE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: ON CAPITOL HILL TODAY,
REPRESENTATIVE MADISON CAWTHORN IS IN HOT WATER WITH HIS FELLOW
REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS, AFTER HE WENT ON A PODCAST AND MADE THE
ACCUSATION THAT "LAWMAKERS HE LOOKS UP TO" INVITED HIM TO TAKE
PART IN ORGIES, AND SNORTED COCAINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.
THE UNINTENTIONAL CONSEQUENCE OF ALL THIS IS TO MAKE ORGIES AND
COCAINE SOUND INCREDIBLY UNCOOL. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER A REPUBLICAN MEETING TODAY, MINORITY LEADER KEVIN
MCCARTHY SAID THAT HE'S GOING TO HAVE SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS FOR
CAWTHORN. QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHERE ARE THESE
PARTIES EXACTLY, AND DO I HAVE TO BRING ANYTHING?"
SHOULD YOU BRING ANYTHING WHEN YOU GO?
GUILLERMO, WHAT DO YOU TAKE TO AN ORGY?
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS THE ACCEPTABLE THING TO
DO? IS IT THE SORT OF THING YOU TAKE
A BOTTLE OF WINE OR WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I PREFER TO NOT BE INEBRIATED DURING MY ORGIES.
>> James: SO NO BOOZE. NO.
>> James: SO YOU'RE INEBRIATED WHILE YOU'RE AT WORK, AND WHEN
YOU'RE HAVING AN ORGY -- I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE PART UNLESS I
HAD AT LEAST 19 DRINKS. >> IT'S PLEASURE, NOT WORK, SO
YOU DON'T NEED ALCOHOL. AU NATURALE.
>> James: WHEN YOU'RE HAVING AN ORGY AT YOUR HOUSE, DO YOU
PUT OUT SNACKS? WHAT DO I DO?
I COULD NEVER HOST AN ORGY. I WOULD BE, LIKE, WHAT DO WE DO,
PUT OUT A BOWL OF PEANUTS AND CHIPS?
WHEN DOES IT START? OH, YEAH, TOM BRADY'S OUT OF
RETIREMENT. OKAY, COOL, LET'S GO.
I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
WHAT CONSTITUTES AN ORGY, MORE THAN THREE?
>> YEAH, MORE THAN THREE. >> James: BUT I LIKE TO CALL
IT A FOURGY. >> THAT'S EXACTLY WHY YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO AN ORGY. ( LAUGHTER )
>> JAMES: LAWMAKERS HAVING ORGIES IN WASHINGTON.
THE WORST PART ABOUT THIS STORY IS HAVING TO IMAGINE MITCH
MCCONNELL, AT AN "EYES WIDE SHUT" PARTY.
AND DID EVERYBODY HEAR ABOUT THIS?
HILLARY CLINTON IS VENTURING INTO COMMUNITY THEATER.
IT'S TRUE. SHE WILL VOICE THE OFF-STAGE
ROLE OF THE GIANT IN AN ARKANSAS PRODUCTION OF "INTO THE WOODS."
IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET SO LET'S BE CAREFUL ABOUT
GETTING TOO EXCITED. LAST TIME HILLARY WAS A SHOO-IN
FOR SOMETHING, IT DIDN'T TURN OUT TOO WELL.
I SAW THIS STORY. I THOUGHT, IF ONLY STEPHEN
SONDHEIM -- GOD REST HIS SOUL, WAS AROUND
TO SEE THIS TODAY, I BET HE'D SAY, "WAIT, WHAT? WHY?"
AND HILLARY CLINTON ISN'T THE ONLY POLITICAL FIGURE GETTING
INVOLVED IN MUSICAL THEATER. DONALD TRUMP HAS JUST TAKEN A
STARRING ROLE IN THIS BRAND-NEW PRODUCTION, "FAKE NEWSIES."
( LAUGHTER ) AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
A CHINESE MAN IN HIS SIXTIES WAS TIRED OF HIS FAMILY COMPLAINING
ABOUT HIS SMOKING AND DRINKING, SO HE SPENT THE LAST FOURTEEN
YEARS LIVING INSIDE AN AIRPORT TERMINAL.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, NO, IT'S A BAD IDEA.
NOT A GOOD SOLUTION. HE'S BEEN IN AN AIRPORT TERMINAL
SINCE 2008. OR AS SPIRIT AIRLINES CALLS
THAT, A BRIEF LAYOVER. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT
HIS FAMILY BOTHERING HIM. BUT AFTER FOURTEEN YEARS,
SOMETHING TELLS ME THEY'RE JUST FINE WITH HIM LIVING AT THE
AIRPORT. ( LAUGHTER )
WALK ME THROUGH THE PLAN FOR LIVING OFF AIRPORT FOOD FOR
FOURTEEN YEARS , WHAT ARE WE DOING FOODWISE?
TALK ME THROUGH IT. >> YOU WANT TO GO TO CINNABON
BUT WE CAN'T DO IT. IF WE HAVE TO LIVE 14 YEARS, WE
HAVE TO LIVE AT SIN BA BON -- >> James: I THINK THAT'S
BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMAS. YOUR BIRTHDAY, MINE, HANUKKAH
AND CHRISTMAS. WE SHOULD GET FOUR OUT OF IT.
>> EIGHT, BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
>> James: NO, WE CAN'T DO EVERY NIGHT OF HANUKKAH.
>> WE CAN GO THREE OF THE NIGHTS OF HANUKKAH.
I THINK LIKE A PANDA EXPRESS ONCE A WEEK.
>> James: I'M GOING TO GO TWO ON THAT.
>> OKAY, TWO A WEEK. AND I THINK THERE'S PROBABLY A
LOT OF STEALING FROM BABIES WE MIX IN THERE.
>> James: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STOLE FOOD FROM A BABY?
>> RELATED OR UNRELATED TO ME? I THINK LAST TIME I WAS BACK
HOME I STOLE FOOD. >> James: FANTASTIC.
THEY CAN DO NOTHING. >> NOTHING.
>> James: IT'S FANTASTIC, MY FAVORITE THING TO DO.
ETH WHAT I MISS THE MOST ABOUT LONDON BECAUSE I'M NOT WALKING
AROUND ENOUGH HERE. WHEN I TAKE A TRIP TO NEW YORK,
FIRST THING I'M LOOKING FOR, BABY WITH A SNACK.
BANG! ( LAUGHTER )
AND FINALLY WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS. A BRITISH COUPLE NOW STANDS TO
MAKE AS MUCH AS TEN MILLION DOLLARS AFTER DISCOVERING THAT A
GADEN STATUE OUTSIDE THEIR HOUSE IS ACTUALLY A LOST
MASTERPIECE FROM AN ITALIAN MASTER.
LOOK AT THAT! SHE LOOKS LIKE LOUIS WATCHING
THIS SHOW. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS STATUE COULD BE WORTH AS MUCH AS TEN MILLION DOLLARS.
A PRICE SO HIGH, EVEN THE STATUE IS ROLLING HER EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS HAS ME EXCITED
THOUGH, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE A LITTLE MONEY OF MY OWN.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHICH ITALIAN MASTER SCULPTED MY
GARDEN STATUE OF "TWO LAWN GNOMES
SMOKING WEED ON A COUCH." ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S THE NEWS! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"LATE LATE SHOW!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )