do you ever feel like you're not quite
understood by other people you ever feel
like you don't really have many friends
who you can call the best friends real
friends do people seldom ever tell you
that they seriously enjoyed speaking
with you if so no worries because most
people feel this way what that means is
that there's room for improvement in the
skill of holding a deep conversation a
deep conversation is a conversation with
another person that builds a personal
connection people who are extremely good
at holding deep conversations can make
you feel like you've known them for
months when you've only just met them
for a couple of hours the ability to
hold deep conversations is
single-handedly the most powerful skill
in terms of building close relationships
with other people this skill will
drastically improve your success in
areas like dating making quality friends
and networking in order to hold a deep
conversation three things need to happen
before we get into any of that we have
to understand that in order for this
loop to be started someone has to be
willing to share first and the majority
of people are shy you have to be the one
to take initiative you should be sharing
first in order to properly share you
need to reach deep down into yourself
and express your true feelings and
opinions about things the key here is to
avoid facts and to seek emotion facts
like your occupation what school you
went to with what major the events of
last night's sports game the events of
some random TV show gossip and drama
this is all surface level conversation
it's fine for making acquaintances but
not for building a deeper relationship
because none of that tells me who you
are
none of that allows me to say hey I felt
that before too what you want to do is
you want to seek emotion emotions like
how you felt when you fail that
something how you felt when you had your
first success how you felt when you
moved for the first time
something that you regret something that
you love something that you hate your
dreams your fears your stories your
feelings your aspirations your regrets
an embarrassing moment a happy moment a
sad moment your opinions about things
how you feel about things these are the
things that you want to talk about
because they elicit an emotional
response why is it that people feel so
connected to certain movie characters
it's because you see how they feel when
they fail you see how they feel when
they lose someone that they love you see
how they feel when they finally made it
you see them for who they truly are and
this is a type of material that you want
to be sharing you want to share yourself
like a movie character shares himself to
the rest of the theatre now you'll know
you're sharing correctly at first when
it feels like you're laying your body on
a dartboard waiting to get hit this is
because sharing something deep makes you
extremely vulnerable it gives the
opportunity for other people to laugh at
you and this is what prevents most
people from sharing in the first place
they're scared that they're gonna be
mocked and laughed at but the more you
share the more this feeling will
dissipate over time you'll not only
learn how to share but you'll also be
learning how to love yourself warts and
all here's some practice questions that
you can think about that will help you
share more about yourself what is the
moment that you regret something that
you wish you could go back and redo why
do you want to go back what is something
you dream about accomplishing but you're
too shy to tell the rest of the world
are you scared of not being able to
accomplish it why what is the best and
the worst moment you experienced with
your family how did you feel when these
things happen
how have they shaped you as a person now
many times after sharing the other
person who is listening will be prompted
to share something deep about themselves
as well sometimes if they don't you can
prompt them by asking something along
the lines of have you ever felt
something like this before or has
something like ever happened to you
before
now this leads us to the next step which
is listening the large majority of
people are not good listeners when
someone shares something deep in
meaningful with you they're giving you
an opportunity
into the depths of their world they're
trusting you enough to share something
deep about themselves that they rarely
ever share so you better make sure
you're listening correctly the key to
being a good listener is to be as
present as possible
listen to them as you would watch a
movie become enveloped in the world for
the brief period of time that they are
speaking you want to hold strong eye
contact for at least 80% of the time
while they are talking you want to ask
questions that will allow them to
elaborate more on points that you're
interested in and most of all you want
to let them do 90% of all the talking if
you find yourself dozing off and
thinking about other things you need to
work on your ability to stay present to
the moment and the easiest way to fix
this is by practicing meditation but
let's save that for another video you'll
know you're a good listener when people
start complimenting you on it
there aren't many good listeners out
there so people really appreciate a good
one
and finally the last step is to relate
we may come from different places with
different backgrounds yet we are all
very similar inside there are things
that each and every person experiences
these things that we all have in common
that we all go through are our emotions
fear bliss love regret anger
embarrassment and many other emotions
the first thing you want to do is
identify which emotion the other person
is conveying through their story or
whatever it is that they're sharing and
you want to be able to relate to them by
bringing up something that is similar so
you can tell them hey what you went
through I felt the same thing before the
best way to go about starting a deep
conversation is to first build some
rapport you want to talk about surface
level things at first because this is
what is socially acceptable you can also
throw in humor in order to build rapport
quickly and we'll talk about that in
another video after building this
rapport you want to start off by sharing
some positive emotions first you don't
want to talk about your greatest fear
and regret immediately at the get-go
with someone you just met talk about
something like your ambitions like what
made you happy or a funny moment that
happened to you now having a deep
conversation is going to be
uncomfortable
at first especially if you are not used
to having them but over time you'll
start enjoying it more as more people
open up to you and you open up to more
people more people will compliment you
and you'll also learn above all to face
your past to be proud of what you've
been through and to share it proudly
with the rest of the world learning how
to have deep conversations is one of the
most useful social skills that you could
have in your arsenal it will open up so
many doors and build so many
relationships that you will cherish for
the rest of your life
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