Does your client or child have a difficult time accepting no and waiting?
We're getting a lot of questions regarding these two issues, which are really, um, kind
of combined in a lot of situations.
So today I have answered a question from our online community, all about how to teach a
child to accept no when they can't have something and to wait for something when they can have
it, it's just going to take a minute.
So let's get to this video blog about accepting no and waiting.
There is a question that keeps coming up, um, in this group and in our community.
And we don't have a lot of, um, content surrounding this.
And this is a question like this.
Somebody said their child loves balloons.
And they went somewhere and there were balloons there, but the child wasn't allowed to have
the balloons.
Um, the balloons were somebody else's balloons and he was freaking out because he wanted
the balloons and was told no.
So that that's, uh, you know, one example, but you know, after the fourth piece of bread
or chocolate or the fourth, um, lemonade or whatever, there is a point when, a child could
be allergic to something, a child could have had too much.
Um, a child may want your phone, but you don't want to give them, hand them your thousand
dollar phone, because you're afraid that they're going to break it.
So there's a lot of, um, what we call accepting no, that is a problem.
And the other issue, which is kind of related is waiting.
Maybe they can have your phone, but they have to wait or maybe they can eat the pizza, but
you have to cook it first or make it first.
And so there's this waiting for things you want, or, uh, accepting no flexibly and not
having crying and screaming and flopping on the ground, which is common.
Um, even if your child is typically developing, everything is going fine in terms of their
development, you know, babies come out of the womb, crying to get their needs met.
So they cry when they need their diaper changed.
They cry when they want to have milk, um, be fed, they cry, um, to be soothed.
They cry when they're hurt.
So it is, it is totally normal.
It's a, it's an inborn, uh, reflex that you cry and you get things, but as kids progressed
to one and then two and three, we develop language.
And, um, that is really what should take the place of most crying.
Now, of course, if a child is injured or sick, you know, hurts themselves, you would want
to cuddle them, make them feel better, that sort of thing.
But if they're crying because they want their fourth, the fourth, piece of chocolate or
a second popsicle and you don't want them to have a second popsicle or the balloons
at another table at a restaurant celebrating somebody else's birthday.
There are times when you are going to have to say no, and it's going to be a lot.
So we are going to just cover briefly how to have your child accept no.
And how to have your child wait, no matter if they're one year old, typically developing
or five-year-old and on the autism spectrum, and, um, this is happening frequently.
So getting to this, um, how often, you know, we, we do want to use the four step turn autism
around approach, which comes with assessment and that assessment, which I'm going to, um,
which I cover at length in several videos and podcasts.
And we can link those, but step one is assessment.
So if your child is not accepting no and is crying frequently.
Um, they might be crying not only to accept no, but also they might be crying when they
are told to do something that they don't want to.
Um, we have to get a baseline is this happening two times a week, or is this happening, you
know, maybe they're whining and crying a little, but the full-out tantrums because they can't
get something is, you know, um, two times a week or is it 40 times a day or is it a
thousand times a day?
Um, and so we, we want to get a rate of what they're crying about and if that crying does
escalate to flopping on the ground to hitting themselves, to hitting others, to biting themselves,
um, we want to see kind of the magnitude of the situation and then we will want to make
a plan.
We don't want to treat crying or any other problem behavior, what I call Willy nilly.
We don't want to just, oh, well, we'll, we'll try this today.
We tried that yesterday, that didn't work because what you're going to end up doing
is going to be like a whack-a-mole where you're going to be trying different things, not systematically.
So the second step of the turn autism around approach is making a plan.
Again, I've done other video blogs and podcasts on planning.
So the plan should be that we are going to spend 95% of our time trying to prevent crying,
trying to, um, have reinforcement, like maybe an it's a, it's an extreme example, but if
your child loves balloons and is, is just you know, always really wanting balloons.
And you know, you're going to go to a birthday party or to a restaurant where they're going
to be celebrating somebody's birthday, but, you know, he won't be able to have those balloons
that are tied to the chairs or whatever you might want to bring a balloon, um, or something
in your bag.
That would be a planning, preventative strategy.
Maybe would work maybe would not.
But the biggest thing about preventing, um, crying or other problem behaviors related
to accepting no is you're going to have to say yes a lot.
So stop focusing on those extreme examples or the crying, when you say no for the, for
the chocolate or whatever.
And that's why the teaching part, the third step of the turn autism around approach is,
is very much like getting the easy early learner materials paired because while you may not
be saying yes, saying pig and giving the child pig and putting that pig into a puzzle is
actually like very positive.
It's hopefully easy for your child and that all that reinforcement is like a one big giant
yes for the pig.
It might be even three yeses.
Like he says it, he, you say it, he says it that's great.
You might say, yay, you said pig.
He puts it in that's another yes.
And so we want to get the child, um, getting his needs met.
We want to be the quote unquote spoiling grandmother.
And we want to be giving him lots of good things, especially when he's calm, he's happy,
things are going well, he's sitting, he's attending.
Um, and then once, if he does cry or whine, we don't, we want to stop being such a spoiling
grandmother.
We want to pull it back.
Um, as someone said, once is like, your water faucet is all on when the child's happy and
calm.
And then if he has a tantrum or starts to cry, the water faucet goes off now, that we're
not going to scream at a child.
We're not going to yell.
We're not even going to be that firm.
We're just going to, um, try to get calm again, because if a child is used to, I cry and I
get balloons, I get chocolate.
I get bread.
I get pizza.
I get the iPad.
I get mommy's iPhone, at least intermittently, I get it.
Um, they're, they're going to have some time to learn that the crying is not going to actually
get them, uh, the things that they want.
So there are a couple of procedures, really it's the count and mand procedure, which was
developed by Dr. Vincent Carbone.
And, um, that is where you say no crying or, or sh and, his original count and mand procedure
was like counting out loud to 10.
It was very like, could result in like a 45 minute, uh, crying episode.
So I took that approach and I made it very babyish, very gentle, very kind.
And it's called the shush and give procedure.
So it's basically like, you know, you may have something the child wants, but they're
still crying.
You can't just hand it over.
And you can't also is, it's not a good idea to say now, you know, I'll, I'll buy you that
tomorrow, you just, you know, you, you have to understand that somebody else's balloons,
no, even you talking to them, trying to calm them down when they're crying is reinforcing.
So you want to do a shush and give where you say sh, and as soon as they're quiet, then
you can offer them the balloon.
But if they can’t have the balloon, you still have to do a shush and then offer them
a couple other choices.
Like maybe they can't have that balloon at the neighbor's table, but they could have
a, a, you know, an iPad or they could have, um, a cookie.
Um, and you might want to hold up the choices.
Again, if they start screaming or crying, um, calmly wait, do a shush again and then
offer them the choice.
Or if you know, he would want the cookie then shush, and as soon as he's quiet, give him
a cookie.
That's a silent count of just a few seconds.
So in general, we want to use the four steps which of the turn autism around approach,
assessment, planning, teaching, being positive and preventative.
And, um, the fourth step is to evaluate and take data.
So you took your baseline data.
He, he cries, doesn't accept no 50 times a day on average.
And it doesn't have to be where you're tallying that if especially if it's 50 times a day,
um, you can get, just get a general feel, uh, 10 times a week, you know, whatever.
And then once you put the strategies within my approach in place, you should really get
those, those tantrums to, uh, subside.
We're not looking for perfect here.
You know, they might still be whimpering a little bit.
It's just a shaping procedure.
Um, and then the other part of that is waiting.
Um, there are like standard ABA procedures called like an accepting no procedure.
But again, those are pretty strict and they require a lot of data and they require a lot
of expertise.
So I don't recommend that you as a parent or early intervention provider necessarily
run anything official.
Um, so there's also a waiting program where, you know, incrementally, you could increase
the time that the child's supposed to wait.
But when you think about you or I waiting for something, it is, um, you're waiting in
line at the grocery store.
You're not just standing there idle, waiting, and sitting with your hands folded.
We are scrolling through Facebook.
We're thinking about what we're gonna make for dinner.
We're, we're talking on the phone.
So my idea of children waiting, um, which is kind of a part of accepting no, maybe they
can have the pizza, but they have to wait until it's made, is to keep them busy with
something engaging while they're waiting.
So, okay, you know, the pizza will be done.
Uh, we're going to set the timer for the pizza.
Uh, let's play a game with mommy.
You know, let's sit here or let's do a puzzle or something preferred while they wait.
So instead of doing official programs, I tend to want to just, um, work with the child and
the family to wait and accept no on a natural basis throughout the day.
So in summary prevention is definitely key.
We want to be the spoiling grandma.
We want to say yes a lot.
We want to get the child manding for a lot of things before we, um, say no a lot.
We do want to practice accepting no.
So maybe when it's like not a big deal, like they want a pretzel or a chip, or they want
a pretzel, but you know, a chip is just as reinforcing.
Okay.
No we can't have any more pretzels, even though there's not any reason they can't have a pretzel
versus a chip, but just to get the child once they're manding, once they're doing well is
just like, no, we're going to do a chip instead.
Um, and so just in general, just, uh, work on it.
It's, it's a skill, it's a, it's a deficit that a lot of kids have, even kids without
autism or any kind of language delays.
And, um, we just have to make sure that we are constantly thinking, like if the child's
crying, we should not be delivering, praise, reinforcement, um, of any kind we at least
have to get a couple seconds before we can, um, uh, deliver some reinforcement.
It may not be the actual item they want.
It may be, uh, an alternative, but the child will definitely learn if you follow these
techniques.
I hope you enjoyed that short excerpt from our Q and A call today from our community
membership.
If you would like to learn more about our online course and community, you can join
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