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hi there everybody and welcome to this video on five signs of disorganized or
what some people call anxious avoidant attachment i'm your host dr donnelly
snipes person with disorganized attachment often has a lot of characteristics that may be similar
to borderline personality or codependency so it's important to recognize that dysfunctional
attachment may lead to the development of those types of personality traits
so let's take a look at disorganized attachment the person with disorganized attachment can be
clingy or controlling and need reassurance but can turn on a dime to be dismissive and avoidant
when abandonment anxiety is triggered these are people who've experienced inconsistencies
and often chaotic abusive neglectful environments throughout their life no matter how old they are
so their hpa access or their stress response system is already dysregulated
so they tend to just go from flat or numb or you know i'm kind of okay with things
too terrified furious frantic like that so when the person senses that they may
be getting ready to be rejected they go from being clingy and need needed and and trying to
make that relationship last to okay fine you're not worth my effort they just shut it off
they often are hyper vigilant to rejection so they have rejection sensitivity
well in the past when certain things happened it indicated that they were going to be rejected
and when they were were rejected that meant they didn't get their needs met
and that can be devastating physically as well as emotionally for children they may not communicate
their thoughts wants and needs but then feel rejected or neglected when their thoughts wants
and needs are not met so there's a part of them that says people should meet my thoughts wants
and needs that's how it's supposed to go but then there's another part of them that says
it's not safe to communicate my thoughts wants and needs so they're constantly in this sort of
double bind in their own head people with disorganized attachment often experience
emotional dysregulation they go from flat to frantic or flat to furious like that largely
because their stress response system has become dysregulated and they never developed the skills
and tools to identify and modulate their emotions there was nobody there to teach them these skills
so as a result when they dysregulate they are often inconsolable they don't want to
be held they don't want to be comforted they are just feeling out of control and
they don't know what's going to help them feel safe and in control again
during these episodes of emotional dysregulation they may exhibit impulsive or aggressive behaviors
a lot of times these behaviors are towards self they may become impulsive and just say
okay we're breaking up you did something i think you're getting ready to abandon me
so we're breaking up it's done goodbye that's impulsive or they may become uh self-damaging
in their behaviors whether they start drinking or using or engaging in non-suicidal self-injury
what causes disorganized attachment well it's anxious avoidant so it's kind of the worst of both
parenting styles that can develop that that create insecure attachment
these caregivers are often insensitive rejecting and inconsistent in their behaviors but they're
also they often also tend to be much more aggressive they found those with disorganized
attachment often grew up in households where there was overt aggression now it could have
been verbal it may not have been physical but there was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear
the parents lacked awareness of or responsiveness to the child's needs they didn't encourage the
child they wouldn't help with difficult tasks or when they would try to help with difficult tasks
they would just get frustrated if the child didn't pick it up right away they would get frustrated
and they may scold the child or tell the child that they're stupid or some other permutation
so the child learns that i'm not good enough they off often blamed the child for their own emotions
they contributed to an environment in which there was a lack of safety and comfort
sometimes they would verbally comfort and physically reject the child saying oh
it's okay i'm not gonna touch you but it's okay or they would physically comfort the child
but yell at them at the same time so they would physically comfort them
while telling them how useless they were or they'd comfort them briefly and if that didn't
work like that they would start shaming the child for expressing their emotions
or other times they would respond appropriately to the child's needs and then the next three times
they wouldn't even notice that the child had needs they'd completely ignore them
so the child never knew what to expect when they had a need they didn't know if it would get met
if it would get met for a minute and then they would be shamed they didn't know what was going on
and in these situations the parents often still had unrealistic expectations for
independence and performance and communicated to the child that they were never good enough
always too needy and were the caregivers rejected them for those things
interventions mindful journaling about the facts in the present context this is the
same intervention that we use for every single insecure attachment style because it's important
for people to start recognizing what's going on now versus what i'm expecting to be happening
based on my prior experiences so what's going on now in this context with this person what are the
facts what do i know versus what am i assuming engage in mindful non-judgmental journaling
and if there's somebody safe to talk with discussion about thoughts and feelings the person
who's disorganized in their attachment is like the person who's avoidant often very unaware of
their own thoughts wants and needs so it's going to be important for them to reconnect the person
with anxious attachment has also been so busy trying to focus on appeasing the other person that
even if they knew what their thoughts wants and needs were they ignored them so for all of these
people it's important to start connecting and becoming aware of your thoughts wants and needs
it's important for every attachment style to become aware of your triggers things that
happen in the present that make you feel like you're back in the past or things that happen
happen in the present that you assume are going to play out a certain way because of
the way they played out in the past those are your triggers those are the things that trigger
your abandonment anxiety trigger your insecurity and those are the things that you need to process
in terms of the present moment the facts in this context with this person but also
in the past to grieve those to process those to recognize what was going on back then
and come to some sort of resolution so that they don't have as much power over you in the present
developing those distress tolerance skills including distress tolerance thoughts activities
like slow breathing or grounding to help trigger the relaxation response guided imagery to help
yourself feel like you're in a safer place and sensations to help kind of jolt you
from one thing that is feeling overwhelming to something else that is powerful yet controllable
take steps to develop friendships with other people and this is going
to be a slow going process because your history has taught you that people are not
trustworthy at the very least and people can be threatening abusive and neglectful at the worst
so it's going to take time to develop friendships however
it's important to start making these steps if you want to start healing your attachment
issues if you if you're not ready to do that then that is your call you're in control of
what happens but when you're ready to start addressing attachment issues if you ever get there
it's going to be important to actually connect with other people
to start learning how to develop these relationships and it's going to be important
to respect boundaries while getting reassurance or giving reassurance that is not rejection
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disorganized attachment is one of three types of insecure attachment that may have developed as a
result of insensitive and rejecting parenting the person who has disorganized attachment
often is unaware or dismissive of their thoughts wants and needs until there's a crisis and then
they feel angry and overwhelmed they've often never felt safe in the world in their own skin
because their emotions always felt like they were overwhelming and out of control
or with other people because other people have either ignored them abused them or neglected
them they often have a low frustration tolerance because they've never had
support and assistance in accomplishing something that was difficult they may have low self-esteem
and are prone to emotional dysregulation going from flat to frantic or flat to furious
changing disorganized attachment requires that the person feel safe in the present context
they need to feel like they're in the driver's seat they need to feel
like they have control over how much they tell other people and how far they go and how fast
they need to start recognizing how their relationship behaviors
developed as a result of trying to survive a rejecting neglectful or abusive environment
they need to learn how to start recognizing and having compassion for their own thoughts wants and
needs instead of judging themselves or ignoring themselves recognizing and having compassion
going okay this is scary for you all right it is what it is now what can we do about it they need
to develop emotional awareness and regulation a lot of people in disorganized environments
it wasn't safe to have feelings to express feelings so they never learned how to identify
feelings put labels on them and go this is anger this is anxiety so they just have this the feeling
that may feel overwhelming sometimes and sometimes it may even come out as bodily or
somatic experiences instead of what people often label as anger or depression it may come out as
impulsivity or fatigue or aggression helping people develop this emotional awareness
can help them start developing the tools they need to regulate those emotions and
finally they need to learn how to develop intimacy and a genuine connection with others
if this video was helpful consider watching some of my other videos on abandonment anxiety
developing secure attachment complex post-traumatic stress disorder
adverse childhood experiences or improving your relationship with yourself