I just got back from Atlanta
it was a 107 degrees Fahrenheit The hottest weather
the worst thing is everybody comes up to me and they go well you must be used to this being from Africa
and I’m like No I am not
I am from Africa but that shit is hot
That was just No
I was scared to go jogging because I thought if I ran out into the street and fainted
wouldn’t the local news love that
Id be running and fall down in the heat
they would have they’re vans reporting live
they would be standing there going
It is so hot in Atlanta even Africans are fainting
so I am enjoying this really happy to be here
this is going to be good for us I hope
I say I hope because I never know with standup comedy
It’s an awkward experience I find I am always nervous
I find comedy is very similar to sex for me
Well it’s exactly like sex if you think about it
Me the comedian playing the role of the man
and you the audience, the roll of the woman
because it’s my job to satisfy you
and you just have to sit there
and then just like sex my success or failure will somehow be determined
by how much noise you make during my performance
which makes it a one-sided affair I think
Yea I don’t know maybe you’re the quite type
I hope we have magic tonight I hope we create something wonderful
for many of us it is our first time and that means it might be awkward
I understand this
and if that’s the case I want you to know I will look into your eyes
I will see that I am freaking you out and I will stop
I will stop and flip you back over and we will go back to the simpler stuff
I've been in America for a few months now
and I am really just thrown by the place
its not what I expected at all
different from the brochures and the pamphlets
There’s many assumptions I had about America before I came here
and I have come to learn that those are wrong
for one, I just assumed people speak English here
its far from it
its not so much the language as the pronunciation of words
that throws me off. It's what Americans have done with the language
you guys have just, wow. You've done something
you put 22's on the English language.
you just have rims that say pimp my language
that's what you've gone with, you know
I was chatting to this woman down town the other day
She came up to me and she wanted me to see something
I don’t know what though, she was like
O my God, look over Thur
I said look over what?
She’s like Over Thur
Look that her
and I said her?
She’s like No Her hair
wait a minute There’s two of them?
I understand nothing even the small words
just the pronunciation The small things that get you by
for instance I pronounce the opposite of Uncle
as Aunt I say my Aunt
Out here you say my Ant
which to me is an insect
which made me look like an ass
when my friend told me his Ant died
I was like so what There’s tons of those out there
a great way to end the friendship
I couldn’t get help the other day when searching for a battery for my remote control
because that’s what I say a battery, a small form of power
In America you say Baderee
which to me is a different form of power
sponsored by Chris Brown
and you know what I don’t understand We live on different sides of the globe
so it’s fine The language we will evolve
this is something I have come to understand but I hope I change one thing in your hearts forever
just one thing and that is
that animal in the wild that looks like a horse
it has black and white stripes
please from now on it’s not Zeebra okay
It’s Zebra
just like it’s not Deebra, it’s Debra
same structure of word
plus you can not name them because you do not have them
Zebra
It's madness, everything out here is different
do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here?
you have to change everything, there's the measurement system
which is just, I mean America, you guys
you have your own thing the imperial system
on my side of the world we use the metric system
and by my side I mean the rest of the world
where the metric system which is amongst other things very deficient
it’s a very simple proses everything goes into each other
and out here you have imperial which is fine I won’t judge you
if you want to be imaginary it’s up to you
but I just feel there’s some consistency that’s needed
small things for instance
when we abbreviate our small measurements milligrams
we use mg milligrams
mg milligrams right
you guys have ounces
ounces that you then abbreviate
oz
there’s no z in the word ounces
I don’t know
that’s pale in comparison to what you did with pounds
that for me please explain to me
how the abbreviation for pounds became lbs
lb pounds
I look like the idiot walking into a store going
could I please have the 2 lbs bag of sugar
he said you mean pounds?
I said I don’t see the P No I don’t
oh well it means pounds
lbs a lot of bullshit is what it stands for
It’s horrible
in fact it’s crazy
you do realize the imperial system is so inefficient
that even American drug dealers have switched over to metric
even drug dealers got to the point where they said
we need some order we’re going with metric
and I honestly thought this was an anomaly
I thought you know what this is just one of those things that’s a coincidence
but it’s not, the Americans do not care about abbreviations nor the English language
they just don’t give a damn
I learned this in the small things like when I was in Tennessee
I stumbled on a organization known as the Ku Klux Klan
you heard of them?
worst magic show ever
guy gave me a pamphlet saying come meet the grand wizard
Grand wizard the grand wizard
didn’t do one trick not one trick
I mean I noticed a few black people disappear but I mean that’s not magic
no that’s just Reaganomics I wasn’t impressed by that
like where’s the magic I sat there forever
these guys running around in they’re sheets
Hee Haa!
the KKK as they are affectionately known
has nobody bothered to tell them ever that you do not spell clan with a K
Nobody stopped, even in America clan is spelled with a C
the Ku Klux clan they are the KKC not the KKK
you realize that? Klu kluks Clan
a C In fact the name is wrong
the whole thing the Ku Klux part of it it’s just horrible
because they got that as you know from ancient Greece
it was Klu Klux Alvion meaning a circle of brothers
and that’s how they got they’re name. They call them self a Greek circle of brothers
which is wrong for two reasons
One
if the sole purpose as an organization is to hate black people
don’t you find it strange that you have now named yourself
the circle of Brothers
and secondly
do they realize that in ancient Greek circles of brothers
where doing very different things
with one another
very loving very, you know, yea
if they were really a Greek circle the sheets would be a bit higher up
just more of a yea
there would be one more hole.