- Hello friends, Ginny Di here.
And sometimes I see people asking for advice on how to deal
with disagreements or problem players in their D&D groups
and it takes all of my willpower to not just say,
"Have you tried talking to them like a goddamn adult?"
Not a very helpful instinct.
And honestly, not very adult of me.
(upbeat music)
Some D&D games bring the same half dozen people
together every week for years.
Many of us spend more time with our D&D parties
than we do with our families.
Plus, D&D allows us to explore all kinds of situations
within a social context that relies on players
and the DM placing trust in each other.
It's inevitable that conflict will eventually arise.
I frequent several D&D chat groups and forums
on different social platforms,
and one constant between all of them is the frequency
with which people ask for advice
and receive some variation
on communicate with your table in response.
I don't think it's that these people don't want
to communicate, or even that they don't know
that they should.
Instead, I think a lot of us don't really have the emotional
or social tools to navigate conflict in a healthy way.
Today, I wanna talk about how to handle conflict
within your D&D group.
I hope that if you're dealing with any issues
in your current group, or if you wanna be better armed
for potential future issues, this video can put some tools
in your toolbox to make it easier.
First, let's discuss
whose responsibility conflict resolution is.
Who is this video for?
I've said something along these lines before
and I got a little pushback, but I stand by it,
so I'll repeat it, the position of dungeon master
or game master is, by nature, a leadership position.
And that means that you're accepting responsibility
not just for throwing monsters at players
and setting DCs, but also for the less mechanical aspects
of leadership.
You're not in control of your players' behavior
or interpersonal conflicts,
but you do have a degree of responsibility
over the atmosphere and expectations at your table.
If one of your players is being a bully or cheating
or being disruptive, it's part of your job to address it,
and you often have more power to resolve these problems
than players do.
And I know I mention it a lot, but I think safety tools
are a big part of this.
So many D&D group conflicts could be prevented
by appropriately setting expectations
with a session zero, and having tools in place
that allow players to communicate their boundaries clearly
and without judgment during gameplay.
That said, every player in the group should feel empowered
to address conflict.
Your DM can't read minds and isn't a babysitter,
so players should also take personal responsibility
when it comes to communicating their needs
and their problems.
Plus, in many circumstances,
the DM can be part of the problem,
in which case players have to be the ones
to initiate change.
In short, DMs need to create and maintain
a positive atmosphere at their table,
but that can't happen without player participation.
Basically, this video's for everyone.
So, you have conflict at your table,
what do you do?
I'm gonna split this up into three parts.
First, how to identify the problem.
Second, how to actually communicate about it.
And third, what to do next.
There are so many reasons that players
and DMs alike can clash during tabletop games.
Players may be feeling restricted or punished by their DM,
or DMs may feel judged or disrespected by players.
People might be frustrated over in-game choices,
like player-vs-player conflict, or behavior during games,
such as hogging the spotlight, metagaming,
or being disruptive.
You might just think ugh, I hate this other player,
they're just miserable to play with.
But until you understand why you don't like playing
with them, there's no solution to that problem,
short of finding another group.
Identifying the source of the tension
is important to resolving it.
I hate playing with Bob, could mean I hate
that Bob's character disagrees with every suggestion
that my character makes.
Or it could mean, it bugs me that Bob is always on his phone
and never prepared for his round in combat,
which holds us all up.
Or it could be, Bob is always making sexual jokes
that make me uncomfortable.
All three of those problems have very different solutions.
And if you aren't sure why you hate playing with Bob,
even finding a new group might not correct it,
since you could end up with other players
who are just like him in the ways that bother you.
It's also worth noting that sometimes,
the thing that seems like the problem isn't actually
the problem.
If someone is dealing with personal issues,
that might bleed into how they interact during the game.
If players have a relationship outside of the group,
conflict in their personal lives might translate
into gameplay.
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, if you're playing
in a game that's made up of strangers,
rather than friends, you might not all have a feel
for each others' sense of humor, or boundaries.
You might perceive another player's friendly ribbing
as cruel mockery, for example.
Once you realize there's a problem,
I think it's worth talking it through with a third party,
or journaling, or whatever it takes to hash
through how you're feeling and make sure you're seeing
the root cause, not just the symptoms.
If you're not the only group member who's upset,
it can be good to discuss it with your peers,
but make sure that doesn't turn into ganging up
on the other person,
or just shit-talking behind someone else's back.
Once you've identified what's upsetting you,
ask yourself what you want from this disagreement.
What's the ideal outcome if you confront this person?
What would need to happen for you to enjoy playing
at this table?
And is that a reasonable thing to ask for?
Finally, as unpleasant as confrontation is,
once you realize there's an issue,
you really shouldn't let it fester.
If you start to feel angry or frustrated with someone
and you decide to dwell in that instead of communicating
with the other person, you'll slowly just get more
and more annoyed and maybe even start
to see problems where there aren't any.
I know I'm not the only person who has talked myself
into conflict by holding a grudge and viewing everything
someone does through the lens of negativity.
Ask yourself, how is someone supposed to change
or correct their behavior
if you haven't let them know there's a problem?
A lot of people will say "I'm just not confrontational."
And while I do get it, it's also really important
to address a problem before it gets worse.
Ignoring it, in 99% of cases, is not gonna make it go away.
And addressing a problem doesn't have to be confrontation.
Don't use I'm not confrontational as an excuse
to just never deal with something
until you eventually lash out or give up.
That's not fair to you, or the other person.
So, to recap, identify the specific problem,
be aware of the context,
and determine your ideal outcome.
After that, it's time to actually take action.
Let's talk about how exactly to do that.
(upbeat music)
Where am I?
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What about the Scarlet Citadel,
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Just visit the hard drive
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Grab a byte.
So puns aren't really in your programming, huh?
They are in beta.
(upbeat music)
When you're ready to talk through the problem,
I would suggest not springing it on the other person.
Try a heads up like,
"Hey, can we chat after the session tomorrow?
I wanted to check in about the way our characters
have been interacting."
Or "Do you have a few minutes to talk this afternoon?
I feel like we're not quite on the same page at D&D."
Give them an idea of what you wanna talk about
without being accusatory.
If they don't have any warning,
there's a good chance that they'll react defensively
or you'll catch them at a bad time.
Giving them some context will help them not feel ambushed.
Speaking of not feeling ambushed,
in most cases I would suggest not calling them out
in front of the whole table.
Feeling ganged up on is another thing
that can make someone react defensively.
Once you're actually talking,
I think there are three key things to keep in mind.
Be honest, be aware of your language, and be open.
I'm gonna explain each of those.
This might seem like a no-brainer,
but if you're the one initiating a conversation
about a problem, it's extra important that you're honest
about how you're feeling.
There's a viral tweet about brutal honesty
from Quinn Murphy, who says "Where is your clever honesty?
Your compassionate honesty?
Your insightful honesty?"
Remember, honesty isn't an excuse to justify being unkind.
You're ruining the game for everyone else, isn't honesty,
it's just mean.
Plus, an accusation like that doesn't give
the other person the opportunity to improve.
Likewise, don't say something is okay or accept an apology
that you aren't actually okay with.
You started this conversation because you wanted something
to change, so follow through
and make sure something changes.
Remember your goal here, successful communication
is about understanding each other in order
to resolve the problem.
It's not about placing blame or making someone feel guilty.
Your goal shouldn't be to win.
You both win if you reach a conclusion
that everyone is happy with.
Here are three tips to avoid sounding adversarial.
First, use, I, statements instead of, you, statements.
Instead of saying "You always talk over me,"
try saying, "I don't feel heard."
If you do wanna say something about their behavior,
using language like the way I'm reading it
or from my perspective can make sure the other person knows
that you're leaving room for their side of the story.
Second, avoid essentializing people.
This basically means,
just because they've done something, doesn't mean
that's who they are, as a person.
What you said was condescending is a statement
about an action, but you are condescending
is a statement about a person.
Keep an eye out for words like always or never,
which are usually a sign that you're talking
about their character instead of their actions.
Third and finally, avoid assigning blame.
Maybe you both had a bad time last session.
You think it's their fault because they went off
and scouted solo, taking up the group's time
and preventing other characters from being able to act.
Meanwhile, they think it's your fault
because their character's strength is stealth,
and you never want them to have the space to use it.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter whose fault it was,
it just matters how you're gonna avoid this in the future
and make sure everyone has more fun.
I know it can be hard to do,
but just try to be open to see their perspective.
When they tell you about how they feel,
try repeating it back to them in your own words
to make sure that you understand.
Saying something like "I'm hearing you say
that you feel, fill in the blank," will show them
that you're listening, and give them the opportunity
to clarify if you're misreading them.
Remember, it's entirely possible that you're part
of the problem too.
If you want them to be open to accepting
that they may have screwed up,
you need to be open to the same thing.
Even if you listen to their side
and still don't think their behavior
is justified, understanding where they're coming from
can help you identify a solution.
I'm a talkative person,
and I'm sure there are people out there
who would find that really frustrating when playing with me.
They don't have to just accept that I'm talkative
and let me streamroll them
just because I don't mean any harm.
But knowing that I don't mean any harm,
and that I'm often not aware of how much I'm talking,
can help us find a solution that works, like implementing
a raise your hand to talk rule,
or using initiative order during roleplay scenes.
So, you talked through the problem, now what?
Obviously the next steps depend a lot
on what the problem was and how the conversation went.
In a perfect world, you discuss the issue,
one or both of you commit to making changes
to your behavior, or maybe your entire group makes changes
to your gameplay, and things improve.
Of course, that's not always going to be the case.
Some changes take time to implement.
Being aware of a problem doesn't automatically solve it,
particularly if you're asking someone to break
a bad habit, like interrupting other players,
or metagaming.
In these cases, I think it's smart
to come up with actionable steps to make change.
For example, if one player is always late to sessions,
maybe someone agrees to send a reminder to the group chat
an hour before each session, and the flaky player agrees
to confirm that they saw it.
Maybe they agree that the game starts at 11, regardless
of whether or not everyone is present.
Maybe the flaky player sets a recurring phone reminder
then and there, during the conversation,
to just really show that they're committed
to making a change.
Or if the DM is upset that players aren't focused
during combat, maybe they commit to saying
it's the rogue's turn, and the wizard is up next
at the beginning of each turn to help folks stay aware.
Maybe they implement a no phones during combat rule.
Maybe they agree that if you don't know what you're doing
in the first few seconds of your turn, any opponent
within melee range can make an attack of opportunity.
Whatever the answer is for your situation, agree on it
as a group so that you have strategies to solve the problem,
and a quantifiable way to see if the work is getting done.
Of course, in some cases, no matter how hard you try
to be empathetic and mature,
the other party is just not here for it.
If their response to your attempt to communicate
is to hold a grudge or escalate conflict,
then maybe talking it out isn't gonna solve the problem.
Or maybe their behavior is the kind of thing
you don't wanna talk out, like a player who makes
a lot of racist jokes.
Or sometimes, nobody's a bad person,
you're just not a good D&D group together.
In these cases, if you really aren't having fun,
there are just two possible solutions, they leave the game,
or you leave the game.
The simplest way to decide which one to do
is to ask yourself, is everyone upset about this,
or is it just me?
If it's just you, then maybe the easiest way
to resolve the issue is to gracefully take your leave.
A D&D group doesn't have to be bad to be a bad fit for you.
If you're interested in different elements of a game,
if you don't get along socially with the other players,
if you have different expectations,
you may be better off looking for a group
that better aligns with your needs.
I think of finding a D&D group kind of like dating.
Not everyone you date is gonna be your soulmate,
and that's okay.
If it takes you a few groups
to find the one you really love playing with,
that's fine and normal.
But don't keep dating someone you're not happy with
just because you're afraid to start over.
There's a D&D group soulmate for you out there somwhere,
and you can't find them if you keep playing with Bob.
Fucking Bob.
If you want more D&D advice,
or life advice loosely disguised as D&D advice,
I have a whole playlist you can check out.
And if you want the same thing but very, very quickly,
check out my D&D advice shorts playlist.
And if you have role play or character-building questions
that you would like to see me address in a video, feel free
to toss 'em in the comments.