The pilot was trying to give us a speech before.
It was crazy. He was just like, "Alright, guys.
Before we take off on Cape Air,
I just wanna let you know pretty much the most important rule.
You guys know how on a regular plane..."
And I was like, what's with this fucking regular plane thing?
I was like, get a new spiel.
"So, like, you know when you're on a regular plane,
they're like, 'Turn your phones off,'
but you really don't have to turn your phone off?
On this plane? Turn your fucking phones off."
Flew in. Do not like to fly. And I tell my friends.
"Oh you're afraid you're gonna die?"
No. I just don't really like getting talked down to the moment
I walk into the airport.
Let's pull it back, TSA. Let's pull it back one notch.
You walk in, they just... "Your shoes have to be off!
Your shoes have to be off, and they have to go on the belt.
Take your belt off. Do you have a belt on?
Well, then that comes off."
You're talking down to me?
This is, like, one of the only places I walk into,
look around, and immediately assume
that if I wanted to, I could just be the manager.
You know what I mean? Like, I'm one application away
from just owning whatever this is.
And you're talking down to me?
"Get your belt off. Do you have anything in your pockets?
No, you can put your ID away.
You don't have to show that anymore."
They honestly think that we're going,
"When can I show my ID again? When can I get this out again?"
"You can put it away. You don't need your ID.
Get everything out of your pockets,
put it in the smaller tub.
If you have stuff in there, it goes in small.
Get your computer out.
Your computer cannot be touching socks
when it goes through that. It has to be in its own tub."
Duh. Duh. We all know that. Computers can't touch socks
when they go through whatever that is.
Know that kind of stuff. Duh.
My other airport nemesis is airport security.
I don't like them at all. They seem so dedicated
to keeping bottled water out of the sky.
That's their main thing.
It's probably easier to get cocaine on a plane
than a bottle of water. Probably the only way
you couldn't get cocaine on a plane
is if they lifted it and said, "What is this, powdered water?"
"No. It's cocaine." "Go right ahead.
Enjoy your flight."
Because a terrorist tried a liquid bomb thing,
and now nobody can bring liquids on the plane.
One person messed up for everybody.
But I feel like that's being reactive instead of proactive,
because terrorists are always trying new stuff.
So next time it's gonna be some type of Snickers bomb,
and after that happens, you can't bring full-size
Snickers on the plane anymore.
You can only bring miniature Snickers,
'cause one person messed it up for everybody.
Now you have security trying to negotiate
your Snickers situation.
"Hey, it is all right if I bring four miniature Snickers?
That's about the same size as a full-size Snickers."
Security says, "Don't play with me! This is not a game!
We are saving the world one Snickers bar
at a time for your freedom in America!"
"Relax, man, I'm just hungry. Stop yelling at me."
I am really lucky, though. This is like ...
This job is the best job.
And for this job, I gotta travel all the time,
and this happens to me all the time,
happened when I came here. I had to do the big TSA machine
where you put your hands at the top
and they see your tampons and stuff.
Right? So I had to go through, and the woman stops me.
She goes, "Excuse me, miss. We have to stop you.
Your butt set off the machine."
Yeah. You guys know what that means.
It means that this ass is a threat to Homeland Security,
you guys! Look at it.
Oh, no! It's so dangerous. Oh.
He starts. I don't know how they start. He just starts.
He's like, "I'm the pilot."
And we're all like, "I totally believe you. Yeah."
And then he goes, "We made up some time in the air,
so we're gonna be early,
but then I just talked to the airport,
and it's congested, so we're gonna be in a holding pattern,
and now we're gonna be late."
And everybody's like, "Why the hell did tell us that, man?
Keep that to yourself, you know?"
But then, you accept it, right? I mean, I did.
The guy sitting next to me, he did not accept it.
He turns to me and he goes, "Just land the plane."
And I go, "Where?
Like, the place that takes planes is full."
I don't know if anybody's ever flown Cape Air,
but I'll tell you what it is. It's a Volvo that flies.
First thing, you pull up to the airport –
I didn't even know it was the Cape Air airport,
because it looked like a post office.
First thing you do when you get in there –
there's one lady working in the airport.
And when I got in there, I was very, like – I was like,
"What the fuck's going on?"
And she was like, "OK, weigh your carry-on."
I was like, that seems normal. I've weighed my carry-on before.
And then she was like, "Now, weigh your backpack."
I was like, well that's a little odd.
I've never really weighed my backpack,
but you know, maybe there's not a lot going on at Cape Air.
Maybe she's just trying to get a good work in.
Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack.
And then she was like, "Now, you."
I was like, "Why do I have to be weighed?"
And she was like, "Well, we have to weigh everybody,
so we know where to seat you on the plane,
so it doesn't topple over,
'cause it's not like a regular plane."
And I was like, "Did you just say 'regular plane'?"
Why the fuck is that OK? It's terrifying.
You walk to the plane, you could sit shotgun with the pilot.
Like he's your buddy from college.
The pilot was trying to give us a speech before.
It was crazy.
He was just like, "Alright guys,
before we take off on Cape Air, I just want to let you know
pretty much the most important rule.
You guys know how on a regular plane..."
And I was like, what's with this fucking regular plane thing?
I was like, get a new spiel.
"So you know when you're on a regular plane,
they're like, 'Turn your phones off,'
but you really don't have to turn your phone off?
On this plane? Turn your fucking phones off.
Alright. Everybody have a safe flight.
Alright."
One of the four times that I've moved from L.A. to Austin,
I drove there with my four cats and my dog in the car.
And I rented a giant SUV,
and I put these big kennels in the back for the cats,
where I had food and water dishes,
and litter boxes, and blankets.
But even with all those amenities,
there were a lot of angry accusations
coming from the back of the car...
for a couple hours.
And then it just got completely silent.
And that made me kind of nervous,
'cause I didn't know if maybe they were planning something,
so I just pulled over, and I called a family meeting,
and I just...
I explained to the cats, like,
"I know that this drive across country is difficult,
but living in Austin again
is gonna make life better for all of us.
And there is no [purring] in team."
Like, if I could go back in time...
If I could go back in time tonight
and go back to, like, the 20s,
knowing everything I know right now,
I don't think I would make a difference.
I don't think you guys would even hear about it.
I don't think you would.
I just don't, because I don't have anything to give, you know?
I would go back and I would see some guy on an old phone,
and I'd be like, "Hey,
they have phones you carry in your pocket."
And they're like, "Yeah? How do they do it?"
And I'm like, "I mean, I don't know how they do it...
I think it's a satellite? I think? A satellite."
They're like, "What's a satellite?"
"Aw, I shouldn't of even said that.
Uh...it’s, like, metal.
Metal's gotta go pretty high in the air.
I don't know if you guys are doing..."
I don't even know if I can prove I'm from the future.
I don't even think I could. I think I would just get stuck,
'cause they would want something, like "Who's the next president?"
"Oh, boy.
Uh...Abraham Lincoln. You guys are gonna love him.
He's really good."
They'd just think I'm from the past.
That's what they would like ...
Then I would have to get a regular job.
I would just have to wait tables or something in the 20s.
I would go back in time
and do worse than I'm doing right now.