- This has gotta all be bleeped out.
Hi guys, I'm Stevie
and the purpose of this video is educational.
Please don't demonetize me.
There is so much mystery surrounding toys
and it's totally unnecessary.
Like did you know that you're not supposed to stick a Slinky
around your bum and then roll down the stairs?
These are the things they should be teaching us in school.
Calculus is pointless.
They should be teaching us how to not be getting
multiple stair-based concussions.
Am I right?
There are so many ways that toys can improve your life.
Well, there's actually five
if the title of this video is an indication.
No more, no less. Five.
Alright, there's only five in existence.
Five is easily the hottest number.
And if you thought it was 69, grow up.
Are you giggling? Oh, it's making me feel really good.
If you are on the fence about toys, totally understandable.
But you should know
that they make straight men feel inadequate
so that should have you back on board pretty quickly.
So when I think of onboard,
I think of jumping on top of something that is vibrating
and spinning and pulsating
and it's designed to rock my world.
I don't know what your version of onboard means,
but that's mine.
That's what most of us mean when we say onboard, right?
No? Just me?
Oh, also not to keep making fun of straight guys.
I mean they've been through so much.
But straight men, or whoever else, whatever,
they like to say that using toys makes you promiscuous.
Which, oh my god, Jared, that is a $4 word.
Are you studying for the SATs?
You're gonna kill it.
I believe in you.
And just like when Jared's celebrity parents got him
into Harvard by Photoshopping him
at the National Jousting Competition,
it's total garbage.
These stigmas and misconceptions need to go.
When it comes to toys,
what these people are actually afraid of
is that you'll realize that toys are much more efficient
at pleasing you,
will always listen to your needs,
and won't make you watch them play Call of Duty afterwards.
So if your partner feels emasculated by a toy,
just remind them that that mentality isn't helping anyone.
Just think about it this way.
Power tools aren't emasculating.
Sure you could build a house
by screwing everything in with your teeth,
but that staple gun is looking pretty appetizing
right about now, isn't it?
I'm not saying you should be eating staples.
I'm sorry. It's not, appetizing isn't the right word.
Attractive? Don't (censored) staple gun, please. Jesus.
But anyway, if you do eat a staple gun, or F one,
you should definitely film it
and put it on Schmonly Schmans.
I'm sure there's a market for that.
Also, another misconception is that people think
that it will desensitize you
or numb you if you use too many toys,
which absolute garbage.
It's like we just talked about staple guns,
but like toys aren't like that.
Like you can totally treat your lower half like a doorbell
and that you wanna just constantly press over
and over again.
Roundhouse kick it, you know.
Ding dong, who's there?
It's Ronda Rousey here to destroy you from the inside out.
Don't threaten me with the good time, Ronda.
Anyway, despite that myth, studies have shown
that toys absolutely do not decrease sensitivity.
So keep lovingly punching your downstairs doorbell
whenever you want.
Now without further ado,
here are five reasons you should should ado yourself
with a toy.
Reason number one toys improve your life is
they help you get in touch with your body.
And I mean get in touch both literally and figuratively.
That's a tongue twister. Literally and figuratively.
My British accent's trying to jump out.
Literally and figuratively.
With toys you can both physically touch your body
and you can also reconnect with your body
like an old frenenemy from high school
that you thought you'd never see again,
but it's kind of hot now.
Do you ever lose yourself halfway through a metaphor?
because I lost myself way earlier than that.
Also that was a trick question
'cause that was actually a simile.
Listen, I told you this video was educational.
I'm tricking you into learning.
Speaking of high school,
you didn't think that a video about toys would turn
into a lecture in AP Lit, did ya?
More like AP cl-
You know what? I don't wanna get demonetized.
It'd be really funny
if this video actually gets demonetized.
I'm trying to be good.
I'm trying to follow all the rules so hard.
Anyway, no matter where you are on your personal journey
of self-acceptance and self-love,
toys can help you out.
Think of it like you're climbing up a mountain,
but you don't have a map to help you along the way.
Even though a map would be actually pretty pointless.
It's a mountain. Just go up,
Anyway, toys are as helpful as a hot woodland sprite
that will hold your hand, among other things,
and help you to the top of pleasure mountain.
By the way, Disney keeps rejecting my letters
when I send them plans for a ride called Pleasure Mountain.
This is absolutely the worst
and most controversial thing Disney has ever done.
But Six Flags is still a maybe.
Just waiting to have their people contact my people.
But if you want my advice,
listen to what your body is telling you.
Both when you're using toys and when you're not.
Sometimes your body might be telling you
that it wants a cupcake.
Sometimes it might be telling you
that it wants a trip to Pleasure Mountain.
And sometimes it might want you to do both of those things
while thinking about "Black Swan."
You know which scene. Don't lie to me.
The key is to listen to your body non-judgmentally
and feel what you feel.
Transition time.
Reason number two toys improve your life,
they inspire open communication.
Getting to know yourself
and your body is incredibly important,
and so is learning how to communicate
your newfound knowledge.
Whether you're telling your partner
all about how you discovered the G-spot
and it should stand for good, that feels good.
Or if you're screaming it from a solitary hilltop
in the Alps like a spicy "Sound of Music,"
this is a skill in and of itself.
The hills are alive, all right?
And now they're reporting a noise complaint
because they're all narcs.
If the hills didn't want me to be into them,
they shouldn't have been shaped like boobs.
Just saying.
No, seriously though,
if you don't know your body
and how to make yourself feel good,
some...thoughtless partners.
Straight dudes, sorry,
Some thoughtless partners might take that as an excuse
to not have to listen to you or improve.
After all, if Jared got into an Ivy League school
without knowing how to read,
but he paid an artist good money to Photoshop him
looking like he was a champion jouster,
why would he bother to learn how to read now?
Let's just say that jousting
should not make its way into the bedroom.
I mean, unless you're into that.
Where does jousting even happen?
I have no idea how jousting works
and I wanna keep it that way.
Once you fully discover yourself
and all of your own needs and how to please yourself
and what gives you pleasure and joy,
that will instill you with a little bit of confidence.
If you prefer self-gratification
to like other tag teaming types of self-gratification,
you do you.
That's totally fine too.
Discovering what you like and how you like it
is all part of the self-discovery game
and what makes toys so great.
The other part of what makes toys so great is the names.
Like, hmm, do I wanna watch Jeopardy
or do I wanna spend an hour with the (beep)?
I wish something was called that.
Let me know in the comments
which Jeopardy category gets your (beep).
Anyways, so I would like to use talking to you guys
about toys as an opportunity to talk to you guys about toys.
If you've gotten this far in the video,
then you're either fully convinced
that the wonderful world of toys is for you
or you're well in your way to discovering that.
Whether you want something in you, on you, or around you
or you just feel safer knowing that something in your house
is vibrating at all times,
Adam and Eve has got you covered.
Head on over to adameve.com
and check out their huge selection of toys.
I'm sure something is gonna tickle your fancy.
Fancy is what we're calling genitals now.
Oh my God, if fancy is what we're calling genitals now,
is that why Iggy Azalea is so controversial?
What? Oh, that's not why. No.
- [Woman] Sorry. - Was that funny?
I don't know anything about,
I don't know who Iggy Azalea is.
(laughs)
What's the only thing better
than getting a brand new toy, you ask?
Well getting 50% off one.
And what's better than getting 50% off?
Getting 50% off and free shipping.
Oh, you will get off.
You will get off all right with adameve.com.
Anyway, that's enough to get me excited right there.
Using my coupon code "STEVIE,"
you'll get 50% off any one single item
plus free shipping to the US and Canada.
Some exclusions apply.
So reason number three that toys improve your life
is they add something new to your life.
Whether you're in a relationship or you're single.
Listen, all due respect to hands, pillows, mattresses,
and that one stuffed animal that you can't really look
in the eye anymore.
But we're in the age of technology now.
Let's just say that Meta isn't the only thing
that's verse around here.
You can choose a toy that is digital
or as analog as you like.
You can get something that is Bluetooth-enabled
and reminds you when you're out of milk.
Or you can get something super simple
and wooden that will leave you
with the most intimate splinters of your life.
I'd encourage you not to get the second thing,
but legally I can't stop you.
So whenever I hear "(censored) the police,"
I think "Agreed, they (censored)."
And my second thought is "I just wanna get plowed
by Robocop."
Anyways (censored) toys get me closer to that dream
than ever before.
And for that, I'm eternally grateful.
Anyway, so there's this like common misconception
that (censored) toys cannot be used in the bedroom
when you're in a relationship.
This isn't only false, it is super false.
And if you, like me, are lesbian viewer,
you might already know this.
But you know I'm not gonna assume everyone's s*xuality.
Toys help turn something vanilla
into something really spicy,
like a vanilla sheet cake filled with ghost peppers.
Do you want your (censored) life
to be a vanilla sheet cake filled with ghost peppers?
Of course you do.
No toys in a relationship is just as cool
as toys in a relationship for the record.
(cat meowing)
Really? You disagree?
Oh, he's talking (censored).
But don't let myths and hangups about (censored) toys
in a relationship stop you from having fun.
You don't have to be single to enjoy toys.
And just because you're in a relationship,
that doesn't mean that you have
to give your favorite vibrator a Viking funeral at sea.
You can do that though 'cause it sounds awesome,
but you don't have to.
And after you're done mourning your Viking-style funeral,
you can use coupon code "STEVIE" at adameve.com
to replace your vibrator.
Does that seem like a natural tie-in?
Did that feel, did it feel natural to you guys or?
- [Woman] Yeah. But I would say it again.
(laughs)
- Okay, reason number four that toys improve your life
is they help you experience new kinds of pleasure and joy.
So despite what puritanical or religious (censored)
might make you think,
pleasure is an innate part of and the essence of humanity
and that does not have to be s*xual pleasure.
But learning how to give yourself pleasure
and really lean into that feeling of joy
is one of the most important foundational blocks
to inner happiness.
Lots of people struggle to figure out how to do this
without a ton of guilt and shame piled on top,
and toys can help you practice
so that you can better learn how to do it.
So my advice is to find little ways throughout your day
where you can prioritize it.
Like take a walk through your favorite park,
and then get reamed.
Go and get lunch with a friend, and then get reamed.
Realizing that you deserve
to feel what makes you feel good s*xually
is a gateway drug into making you feel like you deserve
to feel happiness in every aspect of your life.
Using (censored) toys is a reminder to try new things
and broaden your horizons.
Maybe you'll discover you like scrapbooking.
Maybe you'll discover
that you like getting spit-roasted from both ends.
You guys know what spit-roasting is?
- [Woman] I can imagine. - All right.
Anyway, it's all gravy, baby.
And if you do like getting spit-roasted,
be sure to scrapbook about it.
Reason number five that toys improve your life.
The more comfortable you get with toys
moves you closer to getting comfortable
with getting rid of pointless taboos.
So we are getting better as society
at breaking down needless taboos,
but we have such a long way to go.
There are so many taboos that only make our lives worse,
but still people clinging to them
because, I don't know,
they're just so afraid of trying something new.
Listen, I am not badmouthing every single taboo.
Like some taboos exist for a reason.
Like eating loud chips in the library.
Listen, you should be sucking on those chips
until they're practically soup.
It will be disgusting,
but that is the price you pay for this terrible decision.
What? Are you trying to get into Harvard the honest way?
You fools, just have rich parents with no morals
like a normal person.
Anyway, other taboos are pointless and help no one.
Like not talking about (censored) toys.
Or when there's cake, but no one's cutting into it
and you're absolutely terrified
because you can't be the first one to eat it
because that's so freaking awkward.
But you're really hungry and then everyone else is like,
"Well, I can't be the first one to cut into it."
And then everybody just stares at the sheet cake
and like no one ever eats one
and then everybody goes home because it gets stale
before anyone can actually take a bite.
Did you know that you can take the first piece of cake.
And you know what?
Every single person at that party
is gonna respect you for it.
Cut the cake before anyone else and then brag about it.
Is that why I stopped getting invited to weddings?
Anyway, this is like one of my biggest mottos in life.
If you really think about things
that society think are outlandish or taboo,
and then just like really break down exactly why,
it's almost always such a silly reason.
Chances are it's some obnoxious, puritanical,
or Christian roots that should be left in another century.
Anyway, moving on.
In conclusion, there are no downsides
to using toys on your downside.
That's right. Downside is now a new way to say fancy.
I have now officially decreed it
and there is no s*xier way to announce something
and make it the law than by decree.
I know. I checked.
Anyway, if you were looking for something new
to use on your downside, your fancy downside.
Is that redundant?
Go to adameve.com and use coupon code "STEVIE"
for 50% off any one single item
plus free shipping to the US and Canada.
Thank you so much for watching.
I hope you guys enjoyed this video.
If you want to become part of my Patreon family,
click link in the description.
And I also have a new thing called My Nibblings on YouTube
where you can join, become a member.
Click the button right next to Subscribe
after you ring that bell.
Please cli-
Just use my coupon code at adamneve.com please. Please.
Thank you so much. Love you. Bye.
So much going on. Why is it look so wonky now?
Did that sentence make sense?
My upstairs neighbor is building a dungeon.
Which is pretty ironic 'cause you think that a dungeon
should be in the basement, but I'm in the basement so.
(sneezes)
No one believes that's your real sneeze.
- [Woman] Who said that? - Everyone!