The trial of the notorious drug lord El Chapo Guzmán.
You may have missed that he's currently on trial
in a Brooklyn courthouse because you've probably been focusing
on the criminal who's in the White House.
-Peak resistance! -(hip-hop air horn blowing)
(cheering and applause)
Anyway,
the trial of the world's biggest drug lord
has reached its halfway point,
and what we've learned so far is muy loco.
Prosecutors are expected to rest their case this week
in the federal trial of the notorious Mexican drug lord,
Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán.
REPORTER: Drugs, sex, murder, and betrayal,
Since November, a real-life drama has been unfolding
in Brooklyn federal court.
The villain, according to prosecutors,
is 61-year-old Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán.
Former associates testified
that El Chapo protected his drug pipeline into the U.S.
with violence and bribes,
including $100 million
to former Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto,
who denies the allegation.
Goddamn. El Chapo might have bribed
the ex-Mexican president $100 million.
Although, to be fair,
the Mexican president has already denied it
from the deck of his $101 million yacht.
But that is just, like, one of the crazy revelations
from this trial, right? There are so many things
that we've learned that sound like they're straight out
of a movie. And the way we're learning all of these secrets
is because many of El Chapo's former henchmen
are testifying against him.
REPORTER: So far, more than a dozen witnesses have testified.
Most are convicted drug traffickers
who are betraying El Chapo in exchange
for more lenient sentences.
REPORTER 2: Including German "Barbas" Rosero,
the Beard, and Juan Carlos "Chupeta" Ramírez,
-Lollipop. -(chuckling)
Ramírez admitted to killing 150 people.
Wow, that was, uh, an emotional roller coaster
for you guys, huh? Yeah.
You're like, "Ha-ha! His name is Lollipop!"
"He killed 150 people." "I don't think that's funny
"at all. It's not-- Lollipop is a very formal name.
I like that name."
I wonder how he got that nickname.
Yeah? They were just going around the room,
and the boss was like, "You, you're the Beard, man.
"And you over there, you're Snake Eyes.
"And you,
you're gonna be Lollipop."
He's like, "What? No! Can't I just be No Beard, man?
Why I got to be Lollipop?"
"Because you're so sweet, man."
"Oh! I love you guys.
Now let's go kill someone."
Now, believe it or not, believe it or not,
the weirdest thing we learned about Lollipop
isn't the fact that his name is Lollipop
or the fact that he's killed more people than bird flu.
No, it's how he tried to dodge the police.
REPORTER 2: Ramírez admitted to killing 150 people.
To hide from police, he used plastic surgery.
(reading):
♪ My pussy and my crack. ♪
Sorry, I-I thought we were singing.
-No? -(whooping)
Okay, now, this,
this, I don't understand.
If you're trying to hide from the police,
it's probably a bad idea to give yourself
the world's most distinctive face.
What is this?
The cops are just gonna be like,
"Okay, guys, we're on the lookout
"for a guy who looks like a mannequin
"(bleep)ed Fidel Castro.
That's who we're looking for."
Who did this surgery?
This is the first time in history
that anyone has looked better in a courtroom sketch
than in real life.
But a creepy man-sized doll
wasn't the biggest witness in this trial.
No, that honor goes to El Chapo's I.T. guy.
MAN: The star witness was El Chapo's personal tech guru,
Christian Rodriguez. He told jurors
how El Chapo ordered him
to install spyware called "FlexiSPY" on 50 BlackBerrys,
including the phones of his wife and mistress.
The fellow who set up
all of the wiretaps, set up the encryption,
then got caught by the FBI, started working for the FBI,
and eventually hacked into his own system for the FBI.
So El Chapo got his IT guy
to spy on the people who work for him,
and then, the FBI got the IT guy to spy on El Chapo,
which is a good lesson for everyone.
-Be nice to your IT guy. -(laughter)
Yeah, be nice to him.
(applause and cheering)
Is he here right now? Yeah.
He may be condescending,
he may give you a hard time when you forget your password,
and he may smell like boiled hot dogs,
but that dude knows everything.
By the way, Dennis, if you're watching, I love you,
and you smell great. Please don't leak my nudes.
-All right, man. -(laughter)
And can we... can we just for a moment...?
Just for a moment, can we look at this courtroom sketch?
Why are you drawing a guy's face, and then blacking it out?
Just don't draw the face.
Like, what-what is the dr...? Like...
Or maybe we're just looking at it wrong.
Maybe this guy was just on the witness stand
wearing a V.R. headset.
He was like, "So then, I installed a program on his...
Aah! Sorry. I'm on a roller coaster right now!"
So, it turns out this IT guy is one of the biggest reasons
El Chapo might be going down, and he only agreed to turn
because the FBI paid him.
Of course, now, because of the shutdown,
the FBI says they don't have money
to pay more informants like him anymore. Yeah.
Oh, and here's another thing.
The U.S. Marshals who are guarding El Chapo--
they aren't getting paid because of the shutdown.
And now, I'm not saying they're gonna be bribed,
but if there's anyone you want to be extra careful with,
it's El Chapo.
This guy has escaped from prison twice already,
which is why, whenever they move him around,
they got to hold the back of his neck like he's a baby cat.
-Yeah. -(laughter)
They also make him poop in a litter box,
but I think that's just for fun.
And remember, the reason El Chapo became
the most powerful drug lord in history is
that he figured out how to smuggle more drugs
across the border than anybody else.
And during this trial, we found out how he's done it.
WOMAN: The U.S. Coast Guard led a team on a drug bust
off the coast of Guatemala in 2008.
They intercepted a huge cache,
according to federal prosecutors--
$100 million of cocaine.
But that's no ordinary drug boat.
It's actually more like a submarine.
And just one of Joaquín El Chapo Guzmán's
smuggling tricks, according to prosecutors.
If the sub didn't work, there were tunnels, trucks or planes,
just part of the evidence presented so far
in the narco trafficker trial of the century.
This is insane. El Chapo was using planes,
tunnels and even submarines to smuggle drugs into the U.S.
So I guess it's a good thing
that Trump is building that wall. Yeah.
(laughter)
You know, the sad thing...
(applause and cheering)
The sad thing is... the sad thing is,
even if Trump sees this trial, it won't change his mind.
If anything, he'll probably just double down.
He'll be like, "You know what? Forget the wall, folks.
"We're building a dome!
And who's gonna pay for it? Lollipop!"