It would be really weird if this didn't come up for you
as a parent of a teen. What to do when your teenager
hates you?
Usually hate means something different. It usually means,
"Hey, I don't like the limits that you just set for me."
-Yeah. And we see it in movies all the time with teenagers, right? That the
parent has just set a limit they didn't like. And so, it
goes immediately to "I hate you." -You know, I'm remembering a
time when i was seeing a 13 year old girl
and her mother and they had their first meeting with me and we talked a little
bit about some effective limit setting. And this girl was kind of going off the
rails in a lot of ways. And the second visit, I still remember I
looked out the window. I heard the car door slam. And I look out
the window and this girl is just storming into the building.
Mom gets out nice and calm and she's smiling.
Something is different. Well, this girl bursts through the door. She doesn't even
wait for me to open it and welcome her in. She bursts through the door and
she points me out and she says, "You are ruining my life."
-Mom must have figured out a few limits. Oh, mom comes in and she's smiling.
She's like, "Dr. Paul, I'm glad we're paying you to do
this." I had the same reaction that you did. I
kind of chuckled a little bit.-Hhere's the thing: Hate it is a word
that usually creates a real emotional response for us.
And that's one of the reasons our children use it.
-Sure. -And so, I think we have to be able to just kind of
back off a little bit and see it for what it is. That it's a word,
it's a statement that they've made and then be aware of what your thought
process. You know, don't go to, "Ugh! I must be doing
things wrong." Or you know, those thought process. Maybe
go, "Ah, maybe i'm on the right trail." You know, choose
that thought and go down that path because it probably means that these
limits are the ones that they're needing. -Well,
what's your relationship with this person?
Bffs? -Right. -You're the parent first. Now, I think we should have a
friendly relationship with... -Definitely. -And Vicki, we talk about this all the
time. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if.
So, with all of that being said, you're first a parent
not a friend. -Well... And when that happens, I think you just brought up a
great point. Instead of saying, "Man, I must be doing
something wrong" say, "I'm doing a pretty good job as a parent.
because I do love them and I'm setting some limits". And then go
from there. -Right. So, the summary of that maybe is keep
calm and parent on. -Right. -We should do a t-shirt.
-That's a pretty common one, yep. Keep calm and parent on. -Don't get tipped
over by this thing. And next, let's check our limits. Remember, "I
hate you is translated to mean, "I don't like the
limit you just said." -And I think it's really really important.
Especially, a lot of parents are like, "I really do
want to be best friends with my kid. They're finally old enough. We can
converse and things." You know, it's common in a moment to have a just a reflexive...
-Right. Gut response. -And so, sometimes we set a limit that we haven't actually
thought through and maybe we're not that committed to.
And so, it is worth just looking at, "Okay, is what i'm doing reasonable? Is the
request I'm asking reasonable or the limit that I've said?"
And if it is, hold your ground. But if it isn't,
go ahead and apologize and do a do-over. -Oh,
it's okay to back off of a limit. That doesn't make sense to you
in your saner moments. -Right. -And this doesn't destroy your authority as a
parent. In fact, I think that it adds to your credibility if your kids
know that they can trust you to do something that's right and
reasonable. -Yeah. They're probably more likely at some point, "Hey, mom. Can we talk
about that limit?" Rather than going straight to the I hate you. You might not
want to back off the moment they said I hate you
because they're our cause effect. But it's okay to just kind of back off,
take a look at it, determine the reasonability of it. And then
either change or stick with it. How many times have we stuck with something just
because we said we were going to do it but we did. We weren't really convicted.
It wasn't even the right reason. -We're not even on board.
-So, go ahead and back off when you need to. -Yes. And that
that speaks to humility. And I also love what you're saying, Vicki because
when we give feedback from our kids and think of
"I hate you. You're ruining my life." Think of that as feedback.
And rather than getting defensive, stay calm,
take a look. Just say, "Oh, interesting." My child is giving me feedback that
they're experiencing me to be this hateful
ogre. I'll check. And then go look, right? Let me take a look. Back off, take a
look and and check yourself. I love that. -One
of the next steps is maybe work on the communication
with your child. And one of the things I like about this
is... We've used the with the wording in our family.
"How can I get this to happen" or whatever, right?
-What would it take? -What would it take. And I think there
is an option in the quieter moment. Now, when your child is yelling, "I hate you",
it's probably not the time to talk to about
communication, right? -Weather the storm. -Weather the storm.
Come back to it. But you can talk to them about respectful communication and say,
"Okay..." Especially where you're willing to look at the reasonability of your
requests. So, you can say, "Let's talk about this. What would it take
for you to be able to go to the dance on Saturday night?"
Right? -Yes. -And you can explore that. And the answer might be,
"You're not going to go to the dance, right?" But the answer might be,
"If you go with this these particular friends, you come home at this time."
And so, you're kind of teaching them that
there are other ways to get what they want. Because you know, you're trying to
help this teenager. Hopefully they're going to be
getting employment soon. And there's got to be some ways to
work out a situation you don't like with people you know.
And the emotional outbursts are not the best way to get what you
want. We've learned that as adults most of us. And so,
let's start teaching it to them now. So, let's work on some communication. -The
training they're getting in our home is the training that they
take out there into the world with them. So, you're right, Vicki. I think these
problem-solving skills are nurtured and developed in those
contexts. It's a great opportunity. One of the most
powerful principles that can help you as a parent especially with your teens
is to detach yourself from the outcomes. -That's such a hard one. Oh, gosh. -Well, the
reason we get all fired up about things is because we are attached to the
outcomes. -Yeah. And we want so much for our child
to be happy, right? -Right. -And so, the outcome. We just
need to be okay with them not liking a limit. -Yes.
And acknowledging and honoring their choice.
You don't control your teenager. Don't know if you notice
that already. -Really can't. You don't have the control.
So, because you don't control it, you have to detach yourself from the outcome.
This puts you in a position of power. -Now, be really careful when we talk about
detaching from the outcome, we are not talking about becoming
parents who are not invested in or caring or
loving. You are very loving all the way through this. But
you're committed to loving the child and detaching from the outcome.
-That's why we say love them no matter what and even
if. Because they're going to throw some even if it's at you.
"Even if I defy your limits?" -Yeah. "Even if I do it anyway?"
Yes. We're clear about that. That's why you detach yourself from the outcome.
It's like, "Well, I'm going to love you either way.
I can do my job either way." And then you're clear about the limits
in a nice way. -Right. -Probably they don't actually hate you.
That's the good news. But this can be hard. Parenting is not for the week of
heart. We've got your back. Come to Live On
Purpose Central. Quickest way to get there --
go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We've got all kinds of resources there
that you may not have even known about.