WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I REALLY GOT TO THANK YOU FOR
THE WELCOME YOU JUST GAVE US JUST NOW BECAUSE I NEED IT.
I KIND OF -- I NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING TO HOLD ME TOGETHER
BECAUSE I'M STILL REELING FROM THE ROSS OF BILL PLANTE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ROCKIN' AND A ROLLIN' ♪ >> Stephen: THIS IS REELING,
RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
THANK YOU!
ALL OF THAT IS AVAILABLE ON MY EXERCISE TAPE.
BUT LET'S GET SERIOUS PHO FOR A MOMENT.
I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RIGHT NOW AND JUST WELCOME ANY ORPHAN BILL
PLANTE VIEWERS TO THE SHOW TONIGHT.
WELCOME.
I KNOW THIS IS A CONFUSING TIME FOR YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.
NOT AS MUCH AS WOMEN WHO'VE WORKED FOR HIM, BUT A LOT.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE HE'S LEAVING.
I MEAN, AS THE SIGN OUTSIDE FOX NEWS BUILDING SAYS, "NOBODY
MOVES THIS MAN."
NOBODY!
EXCEPT FOR THE JANITOR WHO SCRAPED HIM DOWN THIS MORNING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, BILL'S BROADCASTING CAREER
MAY HAVE A HIT OF HICCUP BEFORE IT EXPLODED IN A HAIL OF BLOOD
AND BONE, BUT HE STILL HAS HIS BOOKS, AND HIS RAGE, AND HIS FOX
NEWS PAYOUT WORTH $25 MILLION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH AS THEY
PAID HIS ACCUSERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
BILL O'REILLY SEXUALLY HARASSED HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) GUESS SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TOUCH IT.
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
( APPLAUSE ) CALM DOWN!
>> Stephen: NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, NO!
SO WHAT'S BILL O'REILLY GOING TO DO NOW?
FOR A LITTLE HINT, I DECIDED TO TURN TO HIS 1998 NOVEL, "THOSE
WHO TRESPASS."
WHICH, I NOTICE, IS DEDICATED TO "THE WOMEN IN HIS LIFE."
THIS IS TRUE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OR AS THEY'RE AFFECTIONATELY
KNOWN, "THE PLAINTIFFS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND AGAIN, WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP.
HE ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK.
IT'S A NOVEL.
THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS NOVEL IS A BRASH T.V. JOURNALIST NAMED
SHANNON MICHAELS, WHO IS FIRED FROM HIS NETWORK NEWS JOB.
AND IN THIS SECTION, O'REILLY EXPLAINS HOW HE HANDLES IT.
"HIS CAREER WAS THE SOURCE OF HIS FEELINGS OF OMNIPOTENCE AND
GRANDIOSITY.
HIS TV JOB GAVE HIM DAILY EGO GRATIFICATION AND EXCITEMENT.
IT REINFORCED HIS OPINION THAT HE WAS A VERY SPECIAL HUMAN
BEING.
HE GOT THE ATTENTION HE CRAVED, THE ADMIRATION OF THOUSANDS.
BEING ON T.V. WAS LIKE A DRUG TO HIM, AND WHEN IT WAS TAKEN AWAY
FROM HIM, HE HAD TO FIND A SUBSTITUTE DRUG: PLANNING AND
CARRYING OUT THE EXECUTIONS OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAD HUMILIATED
HIM."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WHOA...
WHOA...
( PIANO RIFF ) WATCH YOURSELF OUT HERE.
CAT'S GOTTA WATCH IT.
( PIANO RIFF ) BILL... BUDDY... HELLO,
HANDSOME.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT: I
NEVER HUMILIATED YOU!
OKAY?
I KNOW FOR TEN YEARS I DID THAT SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
I KNOW THE CHARACTER WAS NAMED "STEPHEN COLBERT," BUT I DIDN'T
EVEN PLAY HIM.
I THINK STEVE CARELL DID.
HE'S SO GOOD.
>> Jon: IT'S CARELL.
>> Stephen: OSCAR LONG OVERDUE FOR CARELL ON THAT ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, HE USED TO LAUGH AT YOU.
IT'S PAYBACK TIME-- RUN, STEVE.
OF COURSE, BILL MIGHT NOT BE THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN NOW BECAUSE
KIM JONG UN MIGHT BE DRAGGING US INTO THERMO-NUCLEAR CONFLICT.
AND FACED WITH THE POSSIBLE ANNIHILATION OF ALL LIVING
THINGS, PRESIDENT TRUMP MET IN THE OVAL OFFICE WITH THE JOINT
CHIEFS, THE HEAD OF THE C.I.A., THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER,
AND THE SECRETARY OF STATE.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE MET WITH SARAH PALIN, KID
ROCK, AND TED NUGENT.
( LAUGHTER ) YES!
GIVEN THE SOLEMNITY OF THE OCCASION, IT'S APPROPRIATE THAT
THE NUGE IS WEARING HIS FORMAL CAMO HUNTING HAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THE PICTURE, NUGENT HUNTED
REINCE PRIEBUS WITH A CROSSBOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY ALSO STOPPED BY THE
OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF HILLARY CLINTON, WHERE NUGENT GAVE A
SARCASTIC THUMBS UP, AND SARAH PALIN DID THE OLD
POINT-AND-SNEER.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING WEIRD'S GOING ON WHEN KID ROCK IS THE
DIGNIFIED ONE.