- Wow, What you said really got under my skin.
(comical jazz music) Anyway, moving on.
You think you hurt my feelings?
Well, guess what?
You can only hurt my feelings if I let you hurt my feelings.
(man whimpers)
How could you say something so callous and cruel to me?
But maybe you're dealing with your own internal pain
and are just projecting it onto me?
The only way to know is to walk a mile in your shoes
even if those metaphorical shoes are kicking me
in the metaphorical crotch.
You most definitely did not hurt my feelings.
In fact, if anything you have just proven
that you cannot hurt my feelings, because the hurtful thing
that you said did not hurt my feelings,
and I can't even remember the thing you said,
because my feelings are definitely not hurt.
I mean, did you even say anything?
I don't know.
I can't remember.
I don't have to take this crap from you.
You're so dumb a zombie in Call of Duty Cold War Zombies
would consider your brain a low calorie snack.
You're so dumb that when you edit Wikipedia,
I bet people come in behind you and write citation needed.
You're so dumb you don't even know the molecular formula
for water.
It's H2O, sick burn.
Buckle up buttercup, because I'm about
to completely overreact, retaliate in a way
that seems totally over the top,
expose all of your insecurities,
pick you apart like a Thanksgiving turkey,
make you feel like three-day-old garbage trash,
burn the trash to the ground,
roll it over with a steam roller,
and then we can go to happy hour
and make up over a couple margaritas.
I'm rubber, your glue, anything you say bounces off me
and hits you square in the jaw, knocking you to the ground,
and then it just keeps punching you over and over again
until you're crying like a baby and regretting the day
that you ever chose to mess with me.
You have hurt me so deeply!
What did I do?
You fell in love with someone else.
What are you talking about?
Okay, you just act like you don't know what you did
in my dream last night!
My dreams never lie.
So now it's just a matter of time
before you inevitably betray me.
I am really confused.
Okay, I forgive you.
I didn't apologize.
Yeah, but I forgot later on in the dream, you apologize.
So we're all Gucci here.
You wanna go out and get dinner?
Okay, I got stuff to do.
Wait, so you're telling me that bully was trying to hurt me,
but that means he thinks I have feelings.
Now I'm hurt, but of course, I'm not,
because then I would be proving him right,
and that would hurt more than anything.
I know the groom doesn't usually give a speech
at his own wedding, but I just wanted
to give a shout out to Ashley.
She had her wedding last year and didn't invite me
or my bride.
We are the bigger people up here,
and so we invited you to our wedding,
because that's the right thing to do.
It's $200 a head, people.
Not to make you feel bad, but it's very expensive,
and you didn't bother to have us at yours so. (chuckles)
It was nice hanging out with you, dude,
but I would've thought you would've cleaned up a little
before I came over here.
I think I saw a speck of dust over there, dude. (laughs)
(creepy harp music)
He may have been joking,
but within each joke is a kernel of truth.
I mean, look at this place.
It's like an episode of Hoarders.
Okay, way to fail with coming up with an interesting insult.
There are so many things, so many things
that you could have insulted me about
and in more creative ways.
You could have tried a little harder.
I think I deserve a little bit more effort
if you're gonna try to hurt my feelings, okay?
We need to talk.
Sure, big guy, what about?
That. What?
That nickname, big guy.
It kind of hurts my feelings.
It does?
Yeah, it's just I'm self-conscious about my weight,
and when you call me big guy,
it makes me feel like you're saying, hey, fatty.
I've been calling you big guy since we were in kindergarten.
Yeah, I know.
So why did it suddenly start bothering you now?
Well, actually, it's bothered me since kindergarten.
Okay, I guess I'll just have to come
up with another nickname.
You could just call me by my real name.
Okay, Matthew.
That's not my name.
It's not?
Not even close.
You know what?
Let's just go back to big guy.
Oh, thank goodness.
Hey, thanks for coming out tonight, everybody.
You all look pretty smart, smart looking crowd,
unlike my old coworker, Timmy.
Yeah, that guy, he was an idiot,
but he had the gall to tell our boss that I was an idiot.
Imagine that.
He wasn't even doing a standup routine.
He was just ranting about some guy named Timmy
for 30 minutes straight.
Timmy had only hit 9% of his number by October,
October people.
Who's the idiot in that situation, huh?
It wasn't me.
Boyfriend, I think I need a little space.
Girlfriend, what do you mean?
Like you farted, and I need to leave the room?
No, I mean space from you.
Oh, okay.
You need space.
You got it.
No problem.
♪ Let's just take it slowly ♪
(sings in a foreign language)
♪ Go anywhere you want ♪
- So you're telling me that before Tiffany and I broke up,
you were lying to me when you told me she was cool.
Yes, she was terrible, but I lied to protect your feeling.
But now I'm hurt that you lied to me.
What would you have done in my situation,
told me the truth?
Well, obviously, I probably would've lied
in that situation too, actually.
Okay.
I don't know what hurts more, your lies
or the fact that you've shown me my own hypocrisy.
So you want me to tell you the truth even
when it's gonna hurt your feelings?
No, of course not.
I want you to lie to me and stick to the lie forever.
♪ They say a stranger has come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪