♪ ♪
[line trilling]
- [bleep] Laundry. May I help you?
- Hello, is this the laundromat?
- Yes, it is.
- Wonderful. This is Niles Standish calling.
With whom am I speaking?
- This is Carrie.
- Wonderful, wonderful, and are you the proprietor?
- Oh, no. He's at work.
- All right, well, perhaps you can help me.
I'm interested in dropping off some loads with you.
Would that be possible?
- Yeah.
It would be the afternoon girl that would have to do it.
- Oh, an afternoon girl.
Mm.
- Yeah. - There's no afternoon boys?
Just the afternoon girls.
It's nothing personal.
I'm usually more comfortable with a young man
handling my load, but if she's as good as you say,
then that's fine.
- Uh, no, we don't have any gentlemen
working at the laundry.
- All right, if I were to empty my entire sack
at your facility, would you be able to have it ready
by the time I drop off another batch, say,
mm, the following morning?
I'm a little bit older.
- Well, it just depends on how much it is
and how many people are in here doing laundry themselves.
'Cause they have priority over the machine before we do.
- Well, Carrie, let me tell you this.
I have a very large sack
with at least a month's worth of loads.
- Yeah - Let me ask you this.
My load is wet and a little sticky.
How are we able to handle a wet and sticky load?
- You just have to put them in the machine
and wash them, I guess.
We do it commercially,
try to do it the cheap as we can for people.
You know what I mean?
- Between us, I try to do my loads
as cheaply as I can as well.
- Yeah.
- That's between us girls, all right?
- Okay. - Now, have you worked
with these loads at all?
- I've been working here in the laundry for 14 years.
- Oh, so you're very familiar with loads.
All right, are you wash tops or bottoms?
I only ask because I have a hard time bending over
and filling up a machine with my load.
- We have both.
We have--we have single loads, double loads, triple loads.
- Yeah, oh, oh, keep going. Keep going.
- We have on that holds 60 pounds wet.
- Ohh, perfect, perfect, perfect.
Let me ask you this.
Your bottom loaders, are they power bottoms?
- Are they what?
- Power bottoms.
- Oh, well, we have single loads.
You know, you have to twirl them from the top.
- Ooh, normally, what I would do at this point,
I would be down at the Rio Grand
splashing my load against a rock,
but the local constable has a real hard-on against me.
But I'm looking forward to bringing you, Carrie,
my hot, sticky loads.
Let's stick some coins in that slot
and splash my load.
How does that sound?
- You know what? I'm gonna have to--
my laundry's over there stuck,
and I've got to go take care of it.
- Carrie, Carrie, why you buggin'?
- Well, you know, we have to do 'em as they come.
First come, first served. You know what I mean?
- Yes, we do have to do them as they come.
We do have to do them, and, Carrie,
can I tell you something?
I'm coming.
I'm coming. - Okay, I--
- Carrie, I'm coming.
Oh, dear Lord.
Carrie.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
[phone trilling]
- [bleep]. This is Alanna.
- Hello, with whom am I speaking?
- Um, Alanna.
- Alanna, this is Niles Standish.
I have lice!
- Mm-hmm.
- Alanna, I'm wondering if you could help me.
- Sure.
- I inherited a small orangutan
in her preteen years,
and I need to curb her diet,
so I'm going to need to remove some of my lice.
How do lice work?
- Lice work by passing one to another
for the entirety of humankind.
Once you have a pregnant female,
she is pregnant for the rest of her life
and can lay make fertile eggs and make new lice.
- Oh, are you an ape enthusiast like I am?
- I mean, I've many times wished I could bring an ape
into the office to pick through people's hair
just because it would be fun.
- Well, if you're hiring, Sharon would be wonderful.
She's good at small-scale lice removal
and you don't have to pay her. She eats what she removes.
It's a win-win. - Mm-hmm.
- I've had Sharon since she was a babe.
I brutally murdered her mother on a gaming expedition
in the Congo, unaware she had an adorable little baby!
What luck! - Okay.
- We have a whole circle.
What we do here is, Sharon eats my lice,
my brother Giles picks the lice off Sharon,
then I eat Giles' lice.
- Who's Giles?
- Giles, my twin brother.
- Oh.
- I want to talk to her. - No, Giles.
Back in the box. Not this call.
So, tell me more about that
permanently pregnant lice female.
- The female louse, she comes onto your hair,
and she'll just lay eggs all day every day
until she dies and then they'll hatch and mate
and lay eggs on your hair all day until they die.
- It sounds like my Aunt Bernice.
She popped them out like an Appalachian meth mom.
Alanna, I don't want to eradicate these lice,
but they're completely out of control now.
Completely out of control.
- Um, yes, that is what they do,
so is there somewhere-- is this a number that I can--
- Alanna, hold on a moment.
Giles and Sharon are at it again.
Giles, do not ride Shar-- I'm sorry.
Sharon, do no ride Giles!
One of the lice has grown so large,
it's trying to eat Sharon! - All right.
- Get it, Giles!
Giles is riding the giant lice!
Get down from there! What are you--oh, hold on.
I'm jumping on. All right!
The three of us are riding off on the giant lice!
Alanna, "lice" talking to you.
- Nice talking to you.
- Toodles, love! [phone receiver clicks]
♪ Because we're about to make you crazy ♪
♪ You're probably going to call us stupid and lazy 'cause we're ♪
♪ Disturbing others, maybe even your mother ♪
♪ Won't you join the Crank Yankers today!
Crank Yankers! ♪