Alright, alright–we know what you’re thinking. These guys are already in literal Hell,
right? They’re already being sentenced, right? Can
we really call ourselves a higher authority than the afterlife itself?
…but when you think about it, is anyone sentencing them for
the things they do IN Hell? Gosh, what would you guys do without us?
I’m Kyle with WickedBinge, and it’s time to wonder what the absolutely wild cast of
Hazbin Hotel would be sentenced to if Hell had some kind of…demonic judiciary system. Today,
we’re sentencing Hazbin Hotel Characters for their Crimes.
Kicking off the list of criminals, we have one of the main protagonists of the series–local
scandalous acting sensation, Angel Dust. Acting as simultaneous comic relief and an emotional
foil to Charlie, Angel has quite the rap sheet despite his usually bubbly persona. Given his
long friendship with Cherri Bomb, we have a good idea of what Angel’s been chalking up
on that old criminal record of his. Destruction of Property and Assault with a Deadly Weapon are
among his bread and butter–though he’s usually either an accomplice to these alongside Cherri,
or helping her out of a jam. As for Angel’s own rap sheet,
Illegal Substance Use is definitely up there. By his own admission, Angel uses drugs to get
absolutely wasted night by night in an effort to numb the pain caused by his boss’s horrible abuse.
Given just how rough the usual crowds of Hell are, though, there are MUCH worse things to worry about
than a guy who likes crack and occasionally shooting things. Angel isn’t genuinely out to
hurt anyone–and on top of that, he’s already shown sincere capacity for rehabilitation in Charlie’s
hotel. We’re sure she and her friends would have no issue testifying on his behalf–and honestly,
we just feel awful for the poor guy. But while he may not need punishment,
he definitely needs help. Our sentence for Angel is 1 year
of mandatory addictions counseling–and a restraining order against Valentino. Oh,
and Fat Nuggets is going to be officially recognized as an Emotional Support Animal.
Speaking of which…it might feel a bit early, but why don’t we go ahead and talk about Valentino?
Personal talk here–I just CAN’T wait to give this guy the sentence he deserves.
He’s got a sentence that would make most of Hell’s residents shudder, really. Financial Abuse,
S*xual Abuse, Domestic Abuse–really, throw just about any adjective before the word “abuse” and
it probably works for this guy. Oh, and if you thought that was the full extent of his evil,
think again–he’s also guilty of Murder, torture, and Mutilation–none of which are
helped by his entitlement and short temper. On the tippy-top of this crime sundae,
we have his ownership of Angel’s soul–which leads to a very unique charge of Slavery.
On top of being an abhorrent creature in every conceivable way, Valentino has shown
zero redeeming qualities. If this were a regular Sentencing video, we’d say he should get the Death
Penalty with no question…but Hell is a place for darkly fitting punishments… Our sentence for you
is an eternity of acting out all the horrible scenarios you’ve forced poor Angel into. Oh,
and the best part? ALL the profits will go to him and your other victims. Hellish justice indeed.
Man, I really wanna lighten the mood after that. How about we talk about comic-relief
cleaner Niffty next? She’s the Hazbin Hotel’s housekeeper, always there to make the audience
laugh and the people around her shudder in fear of her erratic behavior. Assault with
a Deadly Weapon is her bread and butter, given just how much she loves stabbing things(mostly
people). She’s pretty much never out to hurt anyone–unless she’s asked to,
of course. That in mind, we don’t feel like she’s really a danger to
anyone…though she IS owned by Alastor, so who knows what she could potentially get up to?
Given her unstable personality, all Niffty needs is a government-appointed caregiver. Notice how,
whenever Angel is around, he’s able to rein her in quite a bit–even saving her from signing her
soul to Valentino, at one point. At other times, he can be seen safely removing a
knife from her hands. As long as she’s kept in check, Niffty will be a reliable helper until
you need her to be something else–maybe Angel’s true calling was being a babysitter all along.
Sticking in the Hotel for a bit more, let’s address Alastor’s other enslaved soul: Husk. And,
really, despite his past as a gambling addicted overlord, we can’t really charge Husk with too
much this season in particular. All of his actions therein are dictated by Alastor,
who owns his soul due to his gambling problem. Corruption during his former time as an Overlord
is really the most we could count against him, and even that’s pretty much par for the course.
While we don’t have anything in particular to punish Husk for–at least, nothing that he’s
not paying for already–his sentence for today is joining Angel in Addictions Counseling. That way,
neither of them will have to go at it alone–and hopefully,
they won’t make the same mistake of giving their souls away again.
Busting down the walls to the next entry(without paying for it,
I might add) is Cherri Bomb. Angel’s ride-or-die and literal partner in crime,
Cherri is a self-admitted arsonist who loves all kinds of violence and destruction. Assault with
Deadly Weapons and Destruction of Property seem to be her personal favorite vices.
Violent tendencies aside, Cherri is far from a villain. She’s never really out to hurt anyone
who’s not already trying to hurt someone else–like Sir Pentious in the pilot, or the Extermination
Angels in the season finale. We still shouldn’t ignore her explosive personality(pun intended)
given all the destruction she loves causing. Our sentence for Cherri is paying for the repair of
property she’s destroyed–like Charlie’s wall–and six months of probation. Just
because everything’s on fire already doesn’t mean you have to make it worse, Cherri.
“Worse…or better?” -Cherri, allegedly
But where would Cherri Bomb be without her lovable former arch-nemesis, Sir Pentious? In the Pilot,
Sir Pentious got off to an explosive start in terms of crimes. He mistreated his Egg Bois,
who seemed to be more like slaves than employees, and tried to take over Hell
as an overlord with weapons of his own design. This WOULD earn him a pretty
rough punishment…if it weren’t for the fact that this entire season serves as his redemption arc.
Sir Pentious manages to right every wrong he’s committed in the course of just eight episodes.
From apologizing to the Hotel for attempting to spy on them to being willing to give up his
weapon-building and even his Egg Bois for the sake of reforming, he’s a truly changed man by the end.
As for the Egg Bois, they’re happy to return to Pentious and even act more like friends than just
servants, due to his newly kind treatment of them. That’s not even to mention that Pentious literally
made it into Heaven after sacrificing himself in the fight against Adam. We have LESS than zero
objections to that decision, so we’re going to not only pardon Sir Pentious–but we’re
going to give him a new job designing weapons that specifically fight the forces of evil. I
think I speak for every fan of this series when I say we’re all very proud of you, Sir Pentious.
Let’s go ahead and round out the Hotel staff with the Radio Demon Alastor. Vox
may wish that Alastor had stayed gone, but this chaotic overlord is one of our
favorites in the ensemble cast. That said, as lovable as this sadistic Overlord is,
we can’t deny that he still very much possesses the properties of both sadistic and Overlord.
Alastor has a penchant for Torturing and Killing others, particularly Overlords–with
the intent to topple their empires and take over the whole of Hell. He also broadcasted
their screams all across Hell, earning him a charge of Snuff Filming on top of it all. Oh,
and let’s not forget some good old-fashioned, demon-style Slavery. Alastor is a legitimate
danger to pretty much everyone around him, given how unpredictable and calculating he is. He has
shown some care for Charlie, though–and for helping her build up her hotel. Our sentence
for him is Renting His Soul to Lucifer for 10 Years. This way, we have a guarantee that
Alastor won’t try anything funny with Charlie or the Hotel–and it should keep him on enough
of a leash to not keep murdering the locals and broadcasting their torment. Oh, also–we’re going
to have him forgive Husk’s debt…not Niffty’s, though. It’s not that she’s worse–it’s just
that she doesn’t seem to mind, and she seems like the type who really needs the extra structure.
Say hello to our next entry, Rosie. Rosie is the leader of Cannibal Town. As you might imagine,
her main crime is Cannibalism. But let’s go a bit deeper—in her introduction scene in Episode 7,
there seems to be an implication that she takes requests for who her colony
wants to use as food. With that, we could probably
tack on a charge of Organized Crime, and DEFINITELY a charge of Murder.
But, despite her unsettling line of work(and equally unsettling eating habits),
if you take everything else out of the equation, she’s…actually a decently nice, organized person.
She leads her people responsibly, helping Charlie to rally them and gain their trust so they can
help her fight the Angels that plan on attacking the Hotel. Our sentence for Rosie is a new system
of processed “imitation human/demon/angel” food. You know how you’ll always see “imitation crab”
meat in stores? Or how every type of meat has a vegan alternative? We’re sure there are some
chefs in the afterlife that could help her find a solution that isn’t…you know, eating people.
We’ve still got two of the three Vees to sentence, and while we’ve already sentenced
the worst of them, Velvette still has some crimes to pay for herself. In the workplace,
Velvette tends to use Verbal Abuse to get her way with her employees. We’d say she treats
them like dogs, but even most of Hell’s citizens seem to know how to treat a pet.
Her worst crime, however, takes place in her admittedly catchy musical number at the Overlords’
meeting. She tries pressuring Carmilla to attack Heaven, which not only constitutes Abuse of Power,
but also an Attempt to Start War. In her limited defense, Heaven had been performing routine
g*nocides for a WHILE, so her instigation wasn’t totally unreasonable. But at the end of the day,
Velvette seems more like the type to shoot first, and ask questions later,
so to speak. We sentence Velvette to a Removal of Authority–no more Overlord
Status for you and the Vees, girl. We’ll also be taking away her social media until
she can use it for something other than cyberbullying and borderline brainwashing.
Speaking of brainwashing, next is the last of the Vees and the last Overlord for today,
Vox. Best known for his never-ending feud with Alastor, this TV Demon uses his technological
and business savvy to keep the citizens of Pentagram City squarely under his control.
His most notorious crimes are consistent of the dynamic duo of Mass Brainwashing and Psychological
Manipulation. We can also tack on some classic Murder charges, since he offered to bring the
lowest earners in for Valentino to shoot and let off some stress. Oh, yeah–and of course,
that also constitutes an Abuse of Power. Last but not least, we’re not forgetting about him
giving Sir Pentious some advice in line with LowTierGod’s iconic philosophical speech…
Since we’ve already taken the other Vees down from their pedestals, it’s only reasonable
that we’d sentence Vox to a total revoking of his Overlord status–and redistribution of his various
influences, since he’s pretty much blatantly brainwashing people. Maybe give him some kind of
signal blocker so he can’t cause mass brainwashing or blackouts at will? That might be a nice touch.
We’ve nearly reached the end of our long list of criminals for the day–and for the final three,
we’re going to the other side of the Afterlife. Starting things off is Sera,
who works alongside Emily as a Seraphim Angel. That said, she is much less open to the idea of
Demons redeeming themselves–to the point where she approved of Adam and Lute’s “extermination” plan.
Putting this fully into context, what we have here is a high-ranking angel approving two
other high-ranking angels performing a series of g*nocides. Sanctioning War Crimes is enough
already, but she also lied to her people about it–which we’re going to say constitutes some
kind of treason. Given her position, it’s unlikely Sera will be facing consequences
for her actions–but as for us, We sentence Sera to being placed under Emily’s authority. It’s clear
that she’s the more compassionate and honest of the two–and while Sera will be great in a
position of giving advice, it’s clear that her time in Heaven has somehow corroded her morals.
But she’s still pretty darn tame compared to our final two characters–let’s sentence
the season’s main villains, Adam and Lute. These two….oh, man. These two are a doozy.
They completely abuse their power by using the overpopulation in Hell as the perfect
reason to start a systematic series of Exterminations–A.K.A. these two are both
Proponents of G*nocide. Tack onto that Mass Murder, Terrorism, and War Crimes,
and you’ve got enough of a rap sheet to conclude that these two should not be in Heaven.
So with that, this…is actually our easiest sentence yet: Adam and Lute,
we sentence you to a relocation to Hell. Oh, and not just anywhere in Hell–you’ve earned
an all-expense paid trip to the Hazbin Hotel. You’re not just gonna get to be
punished, oh no–you’re gonna have to have a REDEMPTION ARC…from the
very people you wanted to destroy. Hey, cheer up, guys–it worked for Sir Pentious, right?