>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M FOUR WEEKS INTO DOING THIS SHOW AND
I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT'S PRETTY FUN (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT I -- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME --
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I, THE REAL STEPHEN COLBERT, HAVE EVER BEEN
ON TELEVISION, AND IT FEELS GOOD!
I FEEL IMPORTANT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DO!
NOW I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT OTHER GUY GOT SUCH A HUGE EGO.
(LAUGHTER) BUT I AM MYSELF NOW, AND LOSING
THE CHARACTER LEAVES ONE FRIGHTENING EXISTENTIAL
QUESTION -- >> WHO IS STEPHEN COLBERT IS THE
BIG QUESTION HERE, RIGHT?
WHAT CHARACTER WILL HE PLAY?
WILL HE PLAY HIMSELF?
>> THE QUESTION EVERYONE IS ASKING IS WHAT WILL THE REAL
STEPHEN COLBERT BE LIKE.
>> STEPHEN COLBERT DOESN'T REALLY HAVE A PERSONALITY, THAT
I KNOW OF.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, I HAVE A PERSONALITY!
MY MANY INTERESTS INCLUDE PASSIONS AND HOBBIES, SUCH AS
LISTING MY INTERESTS.
THE POINT, IS FOR OVER A YEAR, NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING,
WHO ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT QUESTION SO MANY TIMES SINCE I CRASHED THE
ROYAL BABY SHOWER.
(LAUGHTER) THE ANSWER I GAVE THEN WAS
DUCHESS LADY CUMBERBATCH OF KING'S LANDING!
(APPLAUSE) TO ULTIMATELY ANSWER THIS VERY
PERM QUESTION, I HAVE BEEN ON A QUEST OF SELF-DISCOVERY.
FIRST, I GOOGLED STEPHEN COLBERT INNER SELF, AND WHAT I GOT WAS A
PICTURE I CANNOT SHOW YOU, AND THAT MY DOCTOR SHOULD NOT HAVE
TWEETED.
THEN I TOOK A BUNCH OF PERSONALITY TESTS, THE MINNESOTA
MULTIFACIC, THE JONESSEN O'CONNOR AND BUZZ FEEDS WHICH
LATE NIGHT TV SHOW ARE YOU?
IT TURNS OUT, I'M A KIMMEL.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE MOST DEFINITIVE IS THE
MYERS BRIGGS DEVELOPED BY A MOTHER-DAUGHTER TEAM BAILS ON
THE WORK OF KARL YOUNG FEATURING PIT BULL.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
IT'S THE KIND OF TEST YOUR PARENTS PAY FOR YOU TO TAKE WHEN
YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE BUT DON'T HAVE A JOB YET TO SEE WHAT SORT
OF PROFESSION THEY SHOULD FORCE YOU TO BECOME.
AND THE TEST DIVIDES HUE PLANT INTO 16 PERSONALITIES.
SO WHICH OF THESE 16 PERSONALITIES AM I?
I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WILL HIRE A CAMERA CREW TO FIND OUT.
IN THIS, THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PARTS
STEPHEN COLBERT'S WHO AM ME!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> JULIE GROSS, MASTER PRACTITIONER OF THE MYERS-BRIGGS
PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT DROPPED BY MY OFFICE TO ADMINISTER THE
TEST.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
>> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
>> Stephen: IF I TEST POSITIVE DO I HAVE TO CALL ALL MY FORMER
LOVERS AND TELL THEM TO BE TESTED, TOO?
>> IN OUR DISCUSSION, IT'S ONLY THE TWO OF US NOW.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU WANT TO SHARE THE RESULTS
WITH ANYONE ELSE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
LET ME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND THIS.
YOU OFFER 16 DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES, AND I GET TO PICK
THE ONE I LIKE?
>> NO.
YOU TAKE AN ASSESSMENT OF 144 QUESTIONS, AND THE RESULTS OF
THE ASSESSMENT INDICATE WHERE YOU STAND ON THE SCALES AND THAT
DETERMINES YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF WE FIND OUT I DON'T HAVE A PERSONALITY.
>> IT IS SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO HAVE NO PERSONALITY.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER MET RYAN SECREST?
>> NO.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
I WOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY HIS PERSONALITY.
>> Stephen: IF YOU COULD STAY AWAKE.
WHAT PERSONALITY WILL I GET?
>> THE PERSONALITY YOU WERE MEANT TO HAVE.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY I WANT TO BE MYSELF BUT WHAT APPEALS TO
18 TO 34-YEAR-OLD MALES WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME?
WHAT WOULD THEY LIKE AND I WOULD BE THAT.
>> BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE WANT TO SEE THE REAL YOU.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT THESE DRAWINGS THAT ILLUSTRATE
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE PREFERENCES.
>> Stephen: SO THE EXTROVERT, IS HE LOVING LIFE EVEN THOUGH HE
HAS ARMS LIKE A TYRANNOSAURUS REX?
>> YES.
(LAUGHTER) WHEREAS AN INTROVERT WOULD
PREFER TO BE IN HIS OWN QUIET WORLD OF REFLECTION.
>> Stephen: I'M AN EXTROVERT IN THE STREETS BUT AN INTROVERT
IN THE SHEETS.
OKAY?
ONCE WE'RE DONE AND DIRTY I'M, LIKE, I'VE GOT THIS ONE, YOU CAN
GO.
>> THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YES.
THIS IS INTUITIVE.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE INTUITION
GUY THERE?
>> CERTAINLY.
>> Stephen: IS HE GETTING AN IDEA OR THINKING ABOUT A LIGHT
BULB?
>> WHICH DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING?
>> Stephen: I THINK HE'S EDISON.
I THINK HE'S GOT AN IDEA AND THE IDEA IS THE LIGHT BULB.
WAS EDISON INTUITIVE?
>> EXCELLENT!
YES!
(LAUGHTER) OKAY.
STEPHEN, NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO CONDUCT THE ASSESSMENT WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: G.E.D.
O, IN A LARGE GROUP, DO YOU MORE OFTEN INTRODUCE OTHERS OR
GET INTRODUCED?
>> I GET INTRODUCED BECAUSE I'M FAMOUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T?
WHAT IF YOU WENT TO -- >> HOLD ON A SECOND.
THAT JUST ROCKED ME BACK ON MY HEELS.
WHY AREN'T I FAMOUS, JULIE?
IN YOUR NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, HAVE I BEEN CANCELED?
>> YOU'RE IN A SMALL VILLAGE.
>> Stephen: SOMEPLACE THAT DOESN'T HAVE TELEVISION?
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THEN I WOULD INTRODUCE MYSELF.
>> ARE YOU MORE ATTRACTED TO A PERSON WITH A QUICK AND
BRILLIANT MIND OR A PRACTICAL PERSON WITH A LOT OF COMMON
SENSE?
>> Stephen: I'M FLATTERED, BUT I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
LET'S BE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT THIS, JULIE.
WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
>> SO, STEPHEN -- >> Stephen: SO, JULES --
ARE PEOPLE MORE LIKELY TO DESCRIBE YOU AS A PROCRASTINATOR
OR TOO IMPATIENT?
>> Stephen: CAN WE DO THIS LATER?
>> IT'S THE LAST ONE.
>> Stephen: THEN LET'S NOT GET TO IT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IS THIS SCORED BY A COMPUTER?
>> YES, IT IS.
AND I WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A FULL REPORT.
♪ >> COLBERT'S RESULTS ARE IN!
STEPHEN, I HAVE A VERY COMPREHENSIVE REPORT.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT AM I?
COULD I HAVE A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE?
(DRUM ROLL) >> YOU ARE AN I.N.F.P.
>> Stephen: S.T.F.U.
SO IS THAT A GOOD ONE.
>> INTRO VERSION INTUITION AND FEELING.
IT'S TYPICALLY THE MOST BRILLIANT, CREATIVE,
INTELLECTUAL MIND.
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: BRILLIANT,
CREATIVE INTELLECTUAL MINDS -- >> WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
>> Stephen: NOT TOO SHABBY.
YOU KNOW, WHAT HE DID TO JOHNNY DEPP --
>> JOHNNY DEPP IS ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: WHAT!
YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP!
REALLY!
>> SOMETIMES YOU ARE ATTACKED TO SOMEONE OF YOUR TYPE.
WHY?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING I'M ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY DEPP.
>> WHY, BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: PART OF THIS IS
ABOUT LIFESTYLE, BUT I NEVER SAID I WAS ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY
DEPP.
WHAT'S MY DARK UNDERBELLY?
>> SO, STEPHEN, YOU ARE SO WARM, YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY WARM
PERSON.
THERE'S JUST A LITTLE ASPECT OF IT WHICH IS --
>> Stephen: HERE IT COMES.
-- IT'S PASSIBLE -- I'M NOT SAYING IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM.
OME PEOPLE SOMETIMES MAY NOT SEE THAT WARM ASPECT OF YOUR
PERSONALITY.
>> Stephen: (BLEEP).
BECAUSE OF -- >> Stephen: (BLEEP).
THAT'S ANOTHER FOUR LETTER WORD I'D RATHER NOT USE.
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
WHAT I WOULD SAY IS -- >> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO
SHAKE THIS ONE OFF FOR A SECOND.
MAN, THAT WAS A ROUND HOUSE PUNCH.
YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING?
THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE?
>> YES, THEY WANT THE TRUTH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY DEPP.
OKAY?
AND I'M NOT ASHAMED OF IT.
>> YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE DO.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> Stephen: WE'RE BOTH VERY PALE.
(LAUGHTER) AND WE BOTH LOOK GOOD DRESSED UP
AS PIRATES.
>> KEEP THAT IN MIND.
>> Stephen: I DON'T FLAUNT IT.
I.N.F.P., IT'S LIKE DO LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE US?
>> YES, IF YOU BECOME SO IN TUNED WITH WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND
FEEL COMFORTABLE ACTING AUTHENTICALLY, THEN YOU WILL
RECEIVE THAT LOVE.
>> Stephen: SO I HAVE TO BE MYSELF FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE ME?
>> YES.
THAT'S TRUE LOVE.
FOR SOMEONE TO ACCEPT YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU WITH ALL OF YOUR
STRENGTHS, POSSIBLE BLIND SPOTS, BUT IN ALL OF YOUR GLORY.
>> Stephen: AND THEY WILL?
YES, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENORMOUS STRENGTH.
IT'S GOING TO BE THE MOST GLORIOUS NEW TV SHOW IN HISTORY.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW I AM AN I.N.F.P.
GET READY FOR ME TO BE ALL UP IN YOUR FACE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, WHOEVER ME AM, WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN LEGEND!