The following trailer is rated H for honest
*glitchy sound effects*
From Microsoft the company that brought you the Kinect, bing, and a controller the size of a child's skull
Comes the deuce willing frat boy of the current generation console market
Xbox one
dive headfirst into the trenches of the dumbest conflict of the 21st century the console wars and
prepare to pledge your life in service to father gates ignore the fact that most games are multi-platform now and
And furiously justify your purchase with the unbreakable will of brand loyalty
Because the most important part of owning a video game platform isn't enjoying it, but in making people who don't have it feel inferior
Suck it Sony ponies
experienced the worst naming convention since Nintendo named a console after piss as
Microsoft start strong with the Xbox a giant box with an X on it
Then goes off the rails with the 360 by strapping a 360 on the end for no reason
Followed by the third Xbox, which they called Xbox one
Making it impossible to talk about the actual first Xbox
Then the even more confusing Xbox one s and the Xbox one x the two letters in the alphabet that sound the most similar
At this point the only way to make a dumber would be to name their next console PlayStation 5
Discover the device Microsoft was positive would be the center of your home media experience
Despite the fact that 90% of their customers
Just want the thing that plays halo
with tons of multimedia features like mirroring your tablet pulling up season 6 of The Golden Girls just by yelling an
Optional camera that they swear doesn't send all your movements back to Microsoft and tons of other gimmicks
You'll probably never even notice much less use
Mostly because the UI is so bad you'll spend most of your time trying to remember how to get to the games
But hey at least the thing doesn't self-destruct anymore. I still get PTSD when I see a red circle
DAMMIT!!!
Whether you're an idle rich person with money to burn got suckered into buying a fancy TV
Or you're just a big fan of diminishing returns
Get ready to drop an extra two to three hundred smackers for the privilege of owning the brand new Xbox one X
the bleeding edge of video gaming platforms that aren't computers and
Experience the most case you can experience without learning what a motherboard does
with an HD gaming console so powerful you could actually see every single follicle on Markus phoenixes balls as
you experience visuals so impressive you have to constantly reassure yourself and everyone around you that they definitely look better I
Mean seriously guys just look at that texture
Choose your weapon from the console warriors most potent arsenal the exclusives
with system selling shooters like halo titanfall and Gears
two different flavors of Forza
Dead Rising for mindless dynasty warriors eskimo Chad Killer Instinct a game about eating a match long combo
a boatload of Indies they lock to the platform and a handful of single players clew seeds that are actually mostly pretty bad in
a lineup of Xbox only games that begins to make a serious argument for the one
Until you realize they put all this sh*t out on PC, too
Seriously, we should all probably just get one of those
so join the legions of the X Bros
Pledged your allegiance to the one true console and take up arms against a sea of play stupids today
Because all these petty squabbles over which company gets to suck
$500 out of your wallet are probably the only thing keeping the console market alive in the first place
So thank you console warriors. Thank you for your service
starring
teraflops
Peak resolution
super sampling
truuuuuuuue 4k
High Dynamic Range
And other buzzwords
Xbad-to-the-bone
Man remember when you could just put a game in and play without downloading a 20 gigabyte patch
Think sure are better here in the future of gaming
Comment below on what you want me to read in my epic voice at least it's not bubsy
Now I've got a fire in my belly
Viper has got you in the pipe five by five the moo cows will explode
If you don't milk'em don't spell part backwards because it's a trap