- 50% of kids say they don't want to go back to school
because bullying upsets and they've been bullied,
they witness bullying, and many, many children say,
"Well, I didn't want to say anything
"in case they turned on me."
I get letters all the time from people saying,
"Please help my kid who's being bullied."
And I see so many clients in their 40s and 50s go,
"My life has been destroyed by bullying.
"When I was 11, when I was bullied,
"and now I can't work at an office,
"I can't go to a club.
"The whole world feels like a playground
"with a bully in it."
And so it was always my absolute passion to help bullying.
My father was an amazing head teacher,
principal if you're in America,
and he believed that no child should ever, ever be bullied
and it was a great honor for me to carry that on.
So how do you help a child who's being bullied?
Well, first you need to understand where a bully is.
A bully looks at the world like this,
here's the bully here's you.
You see the bully doesn't see the equality
the bully sees that you are higher than them
you are elevated and they are diminished,
and the only way a bully can change that
is to diminish you or to elevate themselves.
They diminish you by going, "Well you smell,
"no one likes, you wear horrible clothes.
"You're stupid, you're an idiot,"
Or they embellish themselves.
"I've got a dad you haven't, I'm smarter than you.
"I've got nicer clothes than you, blah, blah, blah,"
but they can only do that if you let them.
A bully doesn't really want equality
because they feel unequal.
They need to feel somewhat superior.
Bullies don't pick a really confident, outgoing child,
well they do pick someone who they feel is less than
because they feel less and they go about diminishing them
and that is very, very hard.
How do you help a child who's being bullied?
And by the way, how do you help a child
who is the bully because they need so much.
Many schools put all their energy to helping the children
who are bullied but bullies need help.
No bully wakes up and goes "Hey, my life is so great,
"who can I diminish today?
"I have such a good life, who can I put down?"
Happy people are benevolent
and people who are unhappy tend to be very, very critical
and critical people by the way,
have the most criticism reserved for themselves.
So I had a little boy who was being bullied at school.
He was very young, I think six and the bully would pinch him
and be horrible to him and he got into such a state
he couldn't physically go through the school gate.
And his grandmother asked me to help him
and when he came in I said,
"You know darling bullies are really unhappy people,
"we need to help the bully.
"We need you to help the bully."
And so the teacher thought
if she put these children together they'd like each other.
I knew that was never going to work
because in making them sit together
bully would hit him, scratch him,
pinch him and I said every time
the bully does that you must shout out,
"Bullying is not allowed!"
He was only six, he found that very exciting.
He could hardly wait to go back to school,
back he went and they sat down
and every time the kid scratched him,
he'd go, "Bullying is not allowed,"
and the teacher, "What are you doing?"
He said, "I'm helping the bully, the bully needs help."
Then he went to see the headmistress and he said,
"We must help the bully," and the whole school
began to understand that this kid (chuckles)
was helping them help the bully
and the whole school got involved.
You know, 50% of children, say they've seen bullying
and they don't know what to do.
They do nothing 'cause they're so scared,
the bully will turn on them.
50% of kids say they don't want to go back to school
because bullying upsets.
When they've been bullied, they witness bullying
and many, many children say
"Well, you know, I didn't want to say anything
"in case they turned on me."
So schools, parents, children have to understand
we have a responsibility to stop children being bullied
by having them respond in a certain way.
And the best way to help a child
is when they're confronted with a bully
who says things like, "You're stupid,
"you're an idiot, no one likes you," to go
"Well, I'm not letting that in,
"I'm not letting that in.
"These are your words,
"but I don't have to let them in."
And that sounds so silly,
but it's a very powerful thing to do
to help your children understand
the person who's bullying you, it's not about you.
I had a little girl who joined a school
in the middle of the year, she was eight
and she had no friends.
They had all the mean girls and so she was following them,
they turn around, "Hey, are you our dog?"
And I said, "Darling, it's really hard.
"You must not try to make those girls like you.
"You must like you.
"Take a book to school,
"don't ask them to be your friend.
"Read, be engaged, just act
"like you are the happiest kid in the world.
"In no time at all they'll be your friend within 10 days."
From saying, "You can't sit at that table,
"there's no spaces."
When they're clearly were.
They began to go,
"Hey, come and sit with us, come and join us."
Happy, confident children tend to not get bullied.
And you have to teach your kid when they're being bullied
to act like a happy, confident child.
Many parents move a bullied child to another school
and they get bullied again, which is horrible,
'cause they have the energy of a bullied child.
You have to build their self-esteem,
make them like themselves,
show them that bullies don't like themselves.
I worked with a kid who was being bullied,
who said to the bully,
"You don't like yourself,
"you're an unhappy person."
And to her shock that bully thought,
"Oh, you really get me," and they became great friends.
So help your children,
show them how to fight back.
Give them the words.
"You don't like yourself,
"this is not about me, I'm not letting that in.
"I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
"Sorry, you're feeling bad.
"This is about you not me.
"I like myself, I'm not letting that in.
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
"Yes, well, I'm not going to let that in.
"You just showed me how much you don't like yourself."
There are many words and phrases
but children only need five.
"This is not about me, it's about you.
"You don't like yourself,
"you're not a happy person.
"I don't have to let that in.
"Thank you for sharing.
"I'm not letting that in."
Repeating that, "Thanks for sharing,
"I'm not letting that in.
"Thanks for sharing, I'm not letting that in," and finally,
"Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself?
"Yes, well, I won't let that in."
And recently I had some children at school
act this out and the bully was going,
"You're an idiot, you're stupid,"
and the little tiny kid was going,
"Thanks for sharing, I'm not letting that in."
I asked them how they felt, little kids said,
"I feel so powerful."
And the bully said,
"I'm really running out of energy here.
"I'm losing motivation 'cause I keep saying it
"and it's just bouncing off their head."
And I have a great program that I put into schools
and it's all about teaching kids to go,
"Thanks for sharing, I'm not letting that in.
"I'm not letting that in.
"You trying to make me feel bad about myself?
"Yeah, I'm not letting it in."
The bullies lose motivation if you don't let it in
and the kid who's being bullied feel stronger and powerful.
Very much the same thing with adult bullies and trolls,
they can say whatever they want, don't let it in.
It's not about you, it's about them.
They are deeply, deeply unhappy.
And finally, how to help kids who are the bully?
Well, they come from unhappy families,
often have parents or older siblings who bully them
and you have to teach them to like themselves.
If every kid woke every day and said this,
"I like myself, I believe in myself.
"I matter, I'm significant, I'm enough.
"I have a gift to share with the world.
"I'm here for a reason."
Imagine that, imagine if every kid
sat around the breakfast table
or the journey to school said,
"I matter, I'm significant, I'm enough.
"I'm lovable, I like myself.
"I have a gift to share with the world."
Bullying would actually become so minimal.
So start that now.
Take the children in your life,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews,
godchildren, brothers, sisters, your own children,
and say it with them.
"I matter, I'm significant, I like myself, I'm enough."
And then you say, "You matter, you're significant,
"you're enough, you have a gift."
And say it to yourself as the adult,
"I matter, I'm significant.
"I'm enough, I have a gift."
You cannot be bullied if you don't let it in.
I write books, I make speeches like this all over YouTube.
There's always someone going, "I hate her,
"who does she think she is?
"That's stuck-up, posh idiot."
I don't let it in.
I can share it with you 'cause I don't.
And someone said to me recently,
"You just sell fried air, you sell nothing."
I'm like, "I didn't even say,
you don't have to watch it,"
I just moved on, I read that, moved on,
'cause I don't let it in.
If you don't let in destructive criticism
that in itself will change your life.
Do not let in destructive criticism.
Teach your children not to let in destructive
and when they come and say,
"Mom, my friend said I smell,
"well mommy I don't think I smell,
"I smelled my clothes and they were fine."
One little kid said to me,
"Everyone at school says my breath smells."
I went, "Stick out your tongue and lick your wrists
"on the back of your tongue
"let dry and smell it (sniffles)
"that's your breath, does it smell?
"No," I said, "then you don't smell
"and people who say that are just jealous."
And they went away and didn't let it in.
You can arm your kids to not let it in.
Give your children high self-esteem,
they won't be bullied and they won't be a bully.
Grow their self-esteem.
Your success as a parent is linked to how much
you raise your kid's self-esteem.
"I like myself, I'm significant.
"I matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable.
"I have a gift to share with the world,"
will raise your children's self-esteem.
If you say it to yourself, it will raise yours.