♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO A "LATE SHOW."
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, PLEASE SAY HI TO OUR FRIEND JON
BATISTE.
>> HELLO, EVERYBODY.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOUR DIGS.
CAN YOU PLAY WITH OTHER PEOPLE OR ONLY BY YOURSELF NOW.
>> I CAN PLAY BY MYSELF BUT WITH TECHNOLOGY I CAN DOUBLE OR
TRIPLE MYSELF AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT.
>> Stephen: I SAW KEITH URBAN DO THAT ON SATURDAY NIGHT.
>> I SAW YOU ON THERE.
THAT WAS NICE.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A LOVELY NIGHT.
>> YEAH, AND, YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO SEE THE ROLLINGSTONES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY MADE THAT WORK.
THEY WENT DIFFERENT PLACES.
>> Stephen: IT WAS SO GREAT!
YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE IF KEITH WAS PLAYING.
>> REALLY?
YOU THINK HE WAS FAKING IT?
>> Stephen: HE WAS MOSTLY KIND OF PETTING IT.
KEITH WAS MOSTLY JUST PETTING THE GUITAR.
AND CHARLIE WATTS DEFINITELY WASN'T PLAYING.
>> NO, NO, NO.
HE WAS, LIKE, AIR DRUMMING.
IT WAS LIKE THE SYMBOL WAS SOUNDING BUT THERE WAS NO
SYMBOL.
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING WHAT HE DID WAS HE PLAYED THE DRUMS
FIRST AND EVERYBODY PLAYED ON TOP OF HIM.
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK MICK ACTUALLY RECORDED FIRST, IF I'M
NOT MISTAKEN, BECAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY PLAYING AND SINGING.
SEEMED LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE RECORDED TO HIS VIDEO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
>> THAT'S THE TIMES WE'RE LIVING IN.
>> Stephen: I'LL ASK HIM THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.
WELL, JON, GOOD LUCK.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR SPLENDID ISOLATION.
>> YES, INDEED.
I'LL BE HERE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE HERE.
SAY HI TO THE 88s FOR US.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
JOINING ME TONIGHT IS THE HOST OF "THE "THE DAILY SHOW" WHICH I
CURRENTLY "THE DAILY DISTANCING SHOW" ON COMEDY CENTRAL, TREVOR
NOAH.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING, STEPHEN COLBERT?
>> Stephen: JUST GOING DOING A SHOW LIKE YOU.
>> JUST ATTEMPTING TO DO A SHOW IS WHAT WE'RE DOING.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
IN MANY WAYS I FELT BAD ABOUT THE SITUATION WE'RE IN UNTIL I
SAW NASCAR DRIVERS LOSING THEIR MINDS BECAUSE DRIVING VIRTUALLY
WASN'T WHAT THEY WERE USED TO IN REAL LIFE.
I THOUGHT, OKAY, MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE LOSING MY MIND
TRYING TO DO WHAT I DO IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.
>> Stephen: ONE TO HAVE THE CRAZY THINGS IS YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH THIS VERY ODD ISOLATED EXPERIENCE AND BECAUSE OF THAT,
YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY AWARE ALL THE TIME THAT EVERY PERSON IS
GOING THROUGH THE SAME ISOLATED EXPERIENCE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW IT INTELLECTUALLY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BUT JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF IT, YOU DON'T
GET TO SEE IT HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE MOST OF THE TIME.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND I THINK WHAT'S WEIRD IS, BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA HAS ALWAYS
BEEN A FAUX SOCIAL EXPERIENCE, SOCIAL MEDIA GIVES YOU THE IDEA
NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED WHEN, IN FACT, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGE.
IT'S ONLY WHEN I GO OUT FOR A WALK AND SEE NEW YORK CITY LIKE
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE THAT I REALIZE, LIKE, THE TIME WE'RE
LIVING IN, BECAUSE A LOT OF THE TIME, ONLINE, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE
ARE STILL DOING VIRAL CHALLENGES THE SAME, PEOPLE ARE STILL
FIGHTING THE SAME, EVERYTHING SEEMS THE SAME, BUT, MAN, WE'RE
LIVING IN A DIFFERENT WORLD IS THAT HAVE YOU LEARNED ANYTHING
ABOUT YOURSELF WHILE YOU HAVE BEEN IN QUARANTINE?
>> WHAT HAVE I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF?
I'LL BE HONEST, I FEEL LIKE I'M MADE FOR SOCIAL DISTANCING.
SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING CRAZY BECAUSE THEY MISS BEING
OUTDOORS.
I DON'T MISS BEING OUTDOORS, GOING TO MOVIES, RESTAURANTS,
THE CLUBS, I DON'T MISS WALKING, I DON'T MISS ANYTHING.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU.
I MISS PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO LIVE THEIR NORMAL LIVES.
I MISS LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TIME TO FIGHT ABOUT
OTHER THINGS AND ARE NOT STRESSED BY JUST BEING ABLE TO
GO OUTSIDE.
SO THAT PART OF IT, I MISS.
BUT FOR MYSELF, I FEEL LIKE I WAS MADE FOR THIS.
THIS IS HOW I WISH I COULD LIVE LIFE, BEING FORCED TO STAY
INDOORS AND NOT BEING MADE TO FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME I DON'T
WANT TO LEAVE BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO THAT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, WHY DON'T YOU GO
OUTSIDE?
I WANT TO BE INSIDE.
NOW I HAVE TO BE INSIDE AND I'M IN HEAVEN.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU.
>> Stephen: WE'RE ENTERING MONTH TWO OF DOING THE SHOW FROM
HOME.
HOW ARE YOU MAINTAINING YOUR JUDGMENT IN YOUR HEAD AS TO HOW
TO DO MATERIAL BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH ARE USED TO PERFORMING IN
FRONT OF LIVE AUDIENCES.
THAT'S HOW I CAME UP, I KNOW YOU'RE A STANDUP.
WE'RE LIKE MUSICIANS, THE AUDIENCE IS THE INSTRUMENT.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE ASKED TO READ SHEET MUSIC IN OUR HEAD AND
NEVER GET TO HEAR ANY REACTION.
>> I FEEL LIKE ONE OF TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN, EITHER I WILL COME
OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS AS A BETTER COMEDIAN OR I WILL HAVE
NO SENSE OF WHERE COMEDIC TIMING LIES AND I WILL EMBARK ON AN
ESOTERIC JOURNEY OF TELLING PEOPLE STORIES WHILE I'M ON
STAGE.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE TRIED TO REMEMBER EVERY AUDIENCE I'VE HAD THE PRIVILEGE
OF PERFORMING FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS AND I TRY TO THINK OF
WHERE THEY'D LAUGH BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT I DID IT FIRST.
I THOUGHT I KNEW IT FIRST, BUT THEN AFTER YOU DO IT FOR A
MONTH, YOU'RE GOING, WAIT A SECOND, HOW WOULD YOU SAY THAT
LINE?
HOW WOULD YOU -- SHOULD YOU REALLY BECAUSE THERE?
BUT THERE'S NOBODY LAUGHING.
WHY AM I PAUSING?
BUT ALL THE RHYTHM MAKES YOU WANT TO PAUSE.
>> WELL, IT'S -- IMAGINE DOING THE ZOOM CALL BY YOURSELF,
PERFORMING JUST TO A CAMERA WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT OF.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT THE NEWS A LITTLE BIT, OKAY,
MR. FAKE NEWS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS A SECOND.
BIDEN IS GOING TO BE THE NOMINEE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU HAVE A BERNIE.
DO YOU HAVE A BIDEN?
>> I DON'T HAVE A BIDEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S HARD.
I DON'T HAVE A BIDEN.
BIDEN DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A HOOK.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A HOOK AND HE'S NOT CONSISTENT IN HIS SPEECH
PATTERNS.
BERNIE HAS A SPECIFIC RHYTHM WHEN HE SPEAKS AND HIS ACTIONS.
EVEN OBAMA HAS A SPECIFIC RHYTHM AND ACTIONS.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD -- >> Stephen: THIS IS IT.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD BIDEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL I HAVE.
I'M WHITE, I HAVE BIG TEETH AND I HAVE SUNGLASSES.
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, MAN!
>> I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S A PRETTY GOOD BIDEN.
>> Stephen: YOU THOUGHT -- YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE THAT
I KNOW BACK IN 2016 WHO'S LIKE, NO, TRUMP'S GOT A GOOD SHOT AT
WINNING THIS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW?
OF WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW?
>> I DON'T THINK ANYTHING NOW.
BEFORE CORONAVIRUS, I THOUGHT TRUMP HAD A GOOD SHOT OF WINNING
AGAIN BECAUSE, A, THE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO GET
ANYTHING TOGETHER AND, B, LIKE, THE ECONOMY WAS GREAT, AND I
ALWAYS SAID TO PEOPLE FROM THE BEGINNING, TRUMP'S LEADERSHIP
HAD NEVER BEEN TESTED.
PEOPLE FORGET, EVERY SINGLE ISSUE OR EVERY SINGLE SCANDAL
HIS ADMINISTRATION HAS FACED HAS BEEN SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN
SELF-IMPOSED, RIGHT.
SO EVERY CRISIS HAS BEEN SOMETHING THEY'VE CREATED FOR
THEMSELVES.
I WOULD ALWAYS SAY TO MY FRIENDS, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TRUMP HAS TO FIX SOMETHING THAT HE DIDN'T
BREAK.
WHETHER YOU LIKE HIM OR NOT, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, HE DIDN'T CREATE
CORONAVIRUS.
NOW HIS RESPONSE TO IT IS EXPOSING HIS LACK OF LEADERSHIP,
AND IT'S EXPOSING, LIKE, THE COMICAL CAST OF CHARACTERS HE
HAS WITH HIM IN THE WHITE HOUSE, AND I THINK THAT'S GOING TO BE
SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HURT HIM IS, WHEN THE DUST SETTLES, AS
PEOPLE START TO GO THROUGH WHAT THE ADMINISTRATION COULD HAVE
DONE, DIDN'T DO, IGNORED, ET CETERA, AS MUCH AS HE TRIES
TO PASS THE BUCK, YOU'RE STILL THE PRESIDENT, AND WHEN PEOPLE
HAVE LOST LOVES ONES, HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS, ARE STRUGGLING,
THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE ARE A LOT LESS FORGIVING OF YOUR -- YOU
KNOW, THE WAY YOU TWEET OR THE WAY YOU SLAM PEOPLET AT PRESS
CONFERENCES.
I THINK THIS COULD BE A BIGGER TEST THAN HE EVER THOUGHT HE
WOULD HAVE BEFORE THE ELECTION.
>> Stephen: IT APPEARS TO BE THE BIGGEST TEST ANY PRESIDENT
HAS FACED, CERTAINLY SINCE 9/11 IF NOT WORLD WAR II.
>> HAVE YOU NOTICED SOMETHING INTERESTING?
DONALD TRUMP MAY BE THE ONLY PRESIDENT IN THE WORLD,
ESPECIALLY OF A DEVELOPING NATION, WHO IS FIGHTING WITH
PEOPLE IN HIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW OR EVEN THE PRESS.
IF YOU LOOK AT MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU LOOK AT MOST
PRESIDENTS, IT'S ALMOST BECOME A MOMENT OF, LIKE, IT'S US VERSUS
CORONA.
>> Stephen: YES, LIKE THE ALIENS LANDED ON THE PLANT ET.
>> I USED TO THINK IF ALIENS LANDED THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD
COME TOGETHER, WHEREAS NOW I REALIZE IF ALIENS LANDED IT
WOULD BE PEOPLE VERSUS THE ALIENS WHO ARE TRYING TO KILL
US, AND DONALD TRUMP WOULD HAVE A WEIRD SIDE PLOT HAPPENING AT
THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: A SIDE DEAL TO GET THE ALIENS TO STAY AT
MAR-A-LAGO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT'S RIDICULOUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING AT "THE DAILY SHOW"?
I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN RAISING MONEY FOR SHARE ITABLE CAUSES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> ANYTHING WE CAN.
THAT'S ONE OF THE HARDEST ASPECTS OF REALITY WE HAVE TO
ACCEPT NOW IS THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT HASN'T PREPARED
ITSELF FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND, IN THEIR DEFENSE, I DON'T
KNOW THAT YOU CAN FULLY PREPARE.
SOME COUNTRIES HAVE DONE BETTER THAN OTHERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
COMES TO PREPARING TO FEED PEOPLE AND KEEPING PEOPLE OFF
UNEMPLOYMENT.
WE'RE TRYING TO GIVE A PLATFORM TO ANY ORGANIZATION THAT'S
HELPING WITH THAT.
"FEEDING AMERICA," I THINK THEY JUMPED TO NEEDING TO FEED
40 MILLION PEOPLE AND IT'S GOING TO BE 50-, 60 MILLION PEOPLE,
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS, PEOPLE WHO NEED MEALS EVERY DAY.
WE'RE WORKING WITH KIDS WHO ARE HUNGRY, WHO GET THEIR MEALS AT
SCHOOL AND THEY'RE SHUT DOWN, WE'RE WORKING WITH JENNIFER
GARNER'S READING PROGRAM TO GIVE KIDS A READING PROGRAM WHILE
PARENTS ARE STRUGGLING WITH THEM AT HOME.
WE'VE BEEN TEAMING UP WITH ANY ORGANIZATION TO HELP THEM WHEN
THEY'RE NEEDED.
WE'RE STUCK AT HOME AND IF ANYONE K THEY CAN DONATE.
I ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE, GIVE A DOLLAR, A DOLLAR, A DOLLAR, YOU
CAN BE SURPRISED AT HOW MUCH WE CAN RAISE TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: BACK WITH TREVOR NOAH.
♪