All right, everybody.
We have a lot to do tonight. Great show.
You guys are sounding good tonight,
before we go any further though,
I want you all to quickly say,
I always go out before the show and say a quick hello to
people in the audience.
And I just met a gentleman who fascinated me.
(laughter)
He's, he's from Slovenia,
and his name is,
his name is, his name is, Veit.
Is that correct Veit? Is your name Veit?
(crowd applause)
(laughter)
Wow.
Veit, Veit, Veit, Veit.
Oh my god.
(crowd cheers)
(laugh)
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I love how accepting this country is.
People from all over, you've instantly become the most
powerful person in television.
I will say hi to my friend Viet.
Veit, Veit, Veit, Veit.
From Slovenia and Viet told me he doesn't watch the show.
NBC doesn't air the show in Slovenia,
but you watch us online?
That's correct, Yeah
Yeah
Do you enjoy the show?
It's great. Yeah. I love it, Yeah
I am a big fan.
You seem thrilled.
(laughter)
Well, that's very nice, Jeff.
Isn't this correct? People can watch our show online now,
as you get the word out about that, right?
nbc.com
nbc.com. So just,
if you go on nbc.com and use a credit card,
it's like $88?
Free!
Free, oh, okay.
I know there's a catch somewhere.
I've worked for general electric for a long time.
(laugh)
It's free. And then someone comes later and hits you.
I don't mean any of that. It's a great company, but,
(laughter)
but welcome Viet. Welcome to our land.
And I hope you have a good time. Could you come?
(crowd applause)
He's a good guy Viet, I like Viet.
I like Viet, Viet's very cool.
And he's like in touch with himself and
I didn't mean anything by that.
I just mean you're a cool guy to himself.
All right. Lots of talk about here a lot going on.
I got to say something. I don't know if you,
if you agree with me here on this Viet,
but it seems like
every time you turn the news on these days,
especially in this country,
I don't know what it's like in Slovenia,
but in this country,
every time you turn on the television in America,
the reporting about some new scandal, isn't that true?
Every time you turn on the TV, celebrities breaking.
(laugh)
What are we going to weigh in with Viet
on everything tonight?
Slash wasn't guns and roses, right Veit?
That is correct.
(laughter)
Beats my man.
Anyway,
they're always reporting
about like celebrities breaking the law,
politicians getting caught up in a sex scandal, a CEO
embezzling money, scandals everywhere.
Well, I hate to admit it, ladies and gentlemen,
but we've had our fair share of scandals here at our little
Late Night Show.
And I thought rather than let the media find out and then
run our name through the mud.
It might be better if we aired these scandals ourselves and
a little piece, I'm going to call,
Late Night Scandals.
(crowd cheering)
The first scandal was that graphic right there.
(laughter)
Am I testing my breath? Is that what I'm doing?
(laughter)
All right.
Not a lot of scratch here at the show.
Well, first of all, here's a scandal.
There's an ongoing scandal involving China.
Everyone knows about,
apparently China's been flooding our country
with inferior goods,
that have been made with toxic materials.
Well, I have something to confess.
I'm not proud of this, before the show,
we customarily hand out free late night T-shirts
to our studio audience to cut costs.
We had the T-shirts made with illegal textiles in China.
Now hopefully none of you have put these T-shirts on yet
because before you put them
(hysterically crying)
Okay that's.
I love Viet behind him doing his best
to make that joke funny.
Please get behind it.
Conan tries hard, help him.
(laughter)
Our show.
Now that's really smoking and that probably really is toxic.
(laughter)
Leave. Get out of here.
All right. Well, moving on.
We should probably get onto the next scandal.
Excuse me Conan,
I've got a little scandal
your fans might like to hear about.
Oh, here it is.
My former assistant Dana. Hey,
actually Dana was probably moving along.
What's the matter Conan?
Don't want our little secret to get out?
Afraid People might learn the truth about
Mr. Goody Two-shoes talk show host?
Okay.
I really don't know what you're talking.
Yes, you do, you liar.
I'm talking about
your illegal volleyball smuggling operation.
(laughter)
It's true! It's true!
They're just so much cheaper in Mexico.
(laughter)
By the way. I'm pregnant.
Oh.
Good.
(crowd applause)
Here's another scandal I want to come clean about.
I hate to admit this,
but for many years we've been spraying our studio audience
with laughing gas.
See, when I spray the audience with laughing gas,
it makes it a lot easier than being genuinely funny.
Unfortunately it became obvious.
We were using laughing gas during my recent interview with
documentary filmmaker,
Ken Burns, take a look.
In world war II, that generation,
they never discussed it
They never discussed it.
It wasn't what you did.
And just think about it too.
You turn these teenagers into professional killers.
(laughter)
(indistinct)
We shouldn't have done that.
Well, our announcer Joel Godard,
says he has something he wants to share with us.
Conan, have you ever heard rumors about
a certain deep dark secret scandal here at late night?
Deep dark secrets scandal? No, I don't think so Joel.
You mean you never heard that one night,
several years ago when this studio was dark,
and everyone had gone home.
A certain employee here at late night
exposed himself to a janitor.
And then when the janitor threatened to report the employee,
the employee panicked,
hit the janitor on the head with an ashtray and buried him
beneath the floorboards of his windowless booth.
(laughter)
And that now the guilt stricken murderer is playing day and
night by the deafening sound of the dead janitor's heart.
The beating of his hideous heart.
No, Joel, I, I never heard that story.
Then it goes, it's just a rumor.
(crowd applause)
Of course, Atlanta Falcons, quarterback,
Michael Vick ruined his career
by getting involved in a dog fighting scandal.
Now dog fighting is a terrible thing.
Unfortunately,
the guys in our band recently got caught up in something
far worse.
Take a look.
(crowd cheering)
(laughter)
(crowd applause)
Case closed.
All right we will take a little break
from the come back, Dan Cooks here.
Stick around, we will see you in a minute.