are you getting freaked out about the
virus you staying calm i know that you
have you are a mom
of a beautiful two-year-old now yeah
two-year-old what's your girl's name
ruby ruby so you did not go with kona
nina
oh no i did not no you didn't i
suggested it many times and
but especially because it's not a real
name
hey conan isn't a real name uh i'm
curious
uh i mean are you because you're you
know relatively new mom you get
well kids are in good shape kids are
fine the kids are going to do very well
with this virus it shouldn't affect them
she's yeah i mean she's disgusting like
you will wash her hands
and sing happy birthday twice and then
she'll go out and just like
paw and maul like a you know a public
fountain yeah so
i don't really when you have a toddler
it's an uphill battle yeah yeah
but i'm trying is she did let me ask you
does does your girl is your daughter
have a good sense of humor does ruby
is she funny i i hope so i think so
i i want her to find me funny
um in a desperate disgusting way
like i want her to love me so much
and uh and i've been coasting on the
fact that i do these animated cartoon
shows that are beloved to some
some parts of the of the audience and
that maybe she would be
someone who would love that i'm a
walking cartoon that lives in her house
right but but she's a little young for
bob's burgers yeah
so now she just like if i was if i did
elmo
she would love me but i try to do the
voice of elmo and it's not
cutting it you can't do that voice it's
like hi
elmo ammo says he loves you animal
emma likes corner and alone yeah
pretty good you know what you should do
no tell me you'll be my daughter
just tell ruby that's you that's close
enough seriously
i started lying to my kids at a very
early age yeah that's
are your kids a fan of you no not at all
no well i mean they're they're who knows
i've i've
really done a very good job of uh we
don't watch the show at my house
we don't talk about the fact that i'm on
television i just really always wanted
to
i really for a long time wanted them to
think i was like a realtor
you know and then they uh now they start
to see things online and they're
they're some of their you know their
friends obviously know who i am yes i'm
huge with children
and uh but no we we don't i don't
promote
that i'm in show business to my kids
yeah but i always really did want to
make them laugh
and still do you know like i and when
they were really little if i wasn't
winning them over
i mean when they were one if i wasn't
they weren't laughing i was hurt
yeah i felt like i need more material
you know yeah
well because you project so much onto
them so all your self-hate
is kind of reflected in them because
they can't talk
you know so and they're so new and fresh
right
that it's like oh they don't like the
first thing they're seeing in this world
that's a bad sign yeah
my baby's a malcontent
now you posted a beautiful picture of
ruby drawing
uh gorgeous gorgeous and i love the
light coming in are you one of those
parents
because this is what we all do i know
that we did it with our kids they would
draw anything
and we would frame it yeah it didn't
matter what it was it would be like two
lines
and i'd come in the next day and my wife
had gone to the frame store
and i'm like that frame costs money you
know
and that's just two lines but everyone
thinks their kid
is is picasso yeah i think that
since she was born she's been very
physical she's like
you know she was she lifted her head up
right away she wanted to start walking
she started walking at 10 months she
started talking she speaks
spanish and english she's and so i think
she's advanced
and i'm desperate to get validation on
it so
whenever i take her to the pediatrician
i'm just waiting for her to be like oh
my god your child's so advanced
but she won't she won't give you say
that she won't
pediatrician doesn't say it not at all
and then i'm just
at one point i'm like she's pretty
advanced what it used to like i wanted
her to say it to me
and she's like she's doing good
so i think she might be average
you can't tell you can't you got to get
into a special school right away
are scientists gonna come and take my
baby away because she's so freaking
advanced