NO, FOLKS, I DON'T WANT TO BRING UP ANY PAINFUL MEMORIES, BUT ON
MONDAY, THEY HELD THE IOWA CAUCUS.
AND THIS YEAR THEY HELD IT IN THE TRADITIONAL STATE OF IOWA.
AND THE WINNERS WERE HILLARY CLINTON AND TED CRUZ.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY WON, BUT I'M GUESSING IT'S DEEP ON FRIED.
AND EVERYBODY ELSE LOST.
LISTEN, HERE'S THE THING, I KNOW BEING A CANDIDATE CAN'T ABE
PICNIC.
7 YOUR EVERY MOVE IS WATCHED AND
CRITICIZED AS YOU KISS BABIES, SHAKE HANDS, AND DO YOUR BEST
NOT TO MIX THOSE TWO THINGS UP.
AND GUYS LIKE ME ARE JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO STUMBLE, AND
THAT'S NOT FAIR, FOR ANY MISTAKE YOU MADE.
IT'S SO CUT THROAT AND AND HEARTLESS.
IT'S LIKE "THE HUNGER GAMES.
NO, MORE THAN THAT, IT'S THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES"!
YES!
WELCOME!
YES!
A-HA-HA.
MY EYEBROWS ARE TOO EXCITED TO BE CONTAINED BY MY FOREHEAD.
YES, WELCOME, CITIZENS, TO THE "HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES"!
TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, SO, JUST LOOK AT THEM, THE
PRIDE OF THE DISTRICTS.
THERE USED TO BE SO, SO MANY OF THEM.
NOW, THERE ARE JUST TOO, TOO MANY OF THEM.
I'M LIKE A CHEETAH CULLING THE HERD.
BUT, ALAS, CITIZENS THERE HAS BEEN A BLOODBATH
IN IOWA'S CORNUCOPIA, AN UNPRECEDENTED HARVEST OF BRAVE
TRIBUTES, INCLUDING AN OLD FRIEND.
>> KENTUCKY SENATOR RAND PAUL WILL SUSPEND HIS CAMPAIGN FOR
THE PRESIDENCY.
>> HERE WAS PART OF THE STATEMENT THAT RAND PAUL SENT
OUT, "THE FIGHT IS FAR FROM OVER.
I WILL CONTINUE TO CARRY THE TORCH FOR LIBERTY IN THE UNITED
STATES SENATE."
>> Stephen: YES, THE TORCH OF LIBERTY STILL BURNS.
JUST KEEP IT AWAY FROM WHATEVER IS NESTING ON YOUR HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) THE KENTUCKY SENATOR AND
SELF-CERTIFIED OPHTHALMOLOGIST STARTED STRONG WITH A SERIES OF
VIRAL VIDEOS, SETTING FIRE TO THE UNITED STATES TAX CODE,
THROWING IT INTO A WOODCHIPPER AND SHREDDING IT WITH A CHAIN
SAW.
NOW THAT HIS CAMPAIGN IS OVER, LET'S TAKE A PAGE FROM RAND
PAUL'S BOOK OF HEAVY-HANDED METAPHORS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD-BYE!
GOODBYE, RAND!
YOU'RE TOAST!
OH, NO, NO.
THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.
HE REMAINS WHITE BREAD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MMMM!
MMMM!
ON MONDAY, DR. PAUL CAME IN FIFTH IN THE IOWA CAUCUS WITH
ONLY 4.5% OF THE VOTE.
YOU WOULD THINK BEING AN EYE DOCTOR HE WOULD'VE SEEN THIS
COMING.
( LAUGHTER ) LOSING?
OR LOSING?
LOSING?
OR LOSING?
ARRGH!
I'M A PIRATE.
ARRGH!
ALAS, PEOPLE HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES FOR RAND WINNING, IN THAT THOSE
WHO HOPED WERE CLEARLY HIGH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT SENATOR PAUL SHOULD TAKE
SOME COMFORT IN LIVING UP TO HIS FATHER'S LEGACY OF ALSO NOT
BEING PRESIDENT.
ALSO TOSSED ON THE FUNERAL PYRE OF POLITICS THIS WEEK WAS
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE MARTIN O'MALLEY.
OR AS YOU MAY KNOW HIM, DO I KNOW HIM?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT SEEMS THAT THE HIGH-FRUCTOSE
VOTERS OF IOWA COULD NOT RELATE TO A MAN IN HIS 50s WITH ABS
LIKE THAT.
HE'LL NOW RETURN TO HIS NATURAL HABITAT, PLAYING SLEEVELESS
GUITAR IN A VIAGRA COMMERCIAL.
BUT WE HAVE LOST YET ANOTHER TRIBUTE TO THE BLOOD PITS OF
CAPITAL CITY.
>> MIKE HUCKABEE HAS ANNOUNCED HE'S ENDING HIS CAMPAIGN.
>> IT'S TIME TO OFFICIALLY SUSPEND THE CAMPAIGN, BUT NOT
BECAUSE OF THE VOTES.
IT'S BECAUSE OF ILLNESS.
OBVIOUSLY, THE VOTERS ARE SICK OF ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, GOOD ONE,
TRES DROLL.
GOOD ONE, GOVERNOR HUCKABEE.
AS THEY SAY, BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT, AND YOURS WAS A VERY
WITTY CAMPAIGN INDEED!
HUCKABEE'S BOLDEST STRATAGEM WAS DEFENDING KIM DAVIS, THE
KENTUCKY CLERK WHO REFUSED SAME-SEX MARRIAGE LICENSES
>> Audience: BOO!
AND CREME RINSE.
HUCKABEE EVEN HUCKA-SAID THIS: >> IF SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GO TO
JAIL, I'M WILLING TO GO IN HER PLACE.
>> Stephen: YES, JAIL, THE WHITE HOUSE-- ANYWHERE THE GOVERNMENT
IS PICKING UP THE RENT.
HE JUST NEEDS A PLACE TO CRASH.
AND FINALLY, WE MUST HONOR OUR LAST FALLEN TRIBUTE,
FORMER PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR AND AND NOT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, JIM GILMORE.
WHEN THE VOTES WERE COUNTED IN IOWA, GILMORE WON 12.
NOT 12%, NOT 12 DELEGATES.
12 PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S CHEWER THAN THE MEMBERS
OF CHUMBAWUMBA.
♪ I GET KNOCKED DOWN ♪ TO PUT IT--
♪ I GET KNOCKED DOWN AGAIN ♪ TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IN
LAYMAN'S TERMS, IF YOU LINED THOSE PEOPLE UP FROM END TO END,
IT WOULD BE EASY BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY 12 OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) KEEP THIS IN MIND-- HE ONLY GOT
12 VOTES.
THAT IS LESS-- AND THIS IS TRUE, WE LOOKED IT UP-- THAN THE
NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN IOWA NAMED JIM GILMORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL OF WHOM ARE NOW, BECAUSE I
SAID THAT, MORE ELECTABLE THAN JIM GILMORE.
NATURALLY, GILMORE WITHDREW FROM THE RACE WITH A GRACIOUS--
WHAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
HE'S STILL RUNNING?
DOES HE KNOW THAT HE'S STILL-- ( LAUGHTER )
LET US NOW BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN WHO HAVE FALLEN.
BUT FOR THE REST, YOUR TIME IN THE POLITICAL ARENA IS OVER.
( CANNON FIRE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FAREWELL, BRAVE TRIBUTES.
YOUR CAMPAIGNS MAY BE OVER, BUT YOUR MEMORY WILL LIVE UNTIL WE
GO TO COMMERCIAL.