-Welcome, everybody,
welcome, welcome, welcome
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. I love you!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Ah, feels great.
Thank you so much. Let's get to the news.
Well, guys, people are still talking
about President Biden's first press conference
and, by all accounts, he did well
and there were no major issues.
And, by "no major issues,"
I mean, his dog Major didn't eat anyone's face.
[ Laughter ]
One of the big moments from the press conference was
when Biden said he expects to run for reelection in 2024.
Kamala Harris was like,
"First he puts me in charge of the border crisis.
Now, this?
Hell of a week." [ Laughter ]
Listen, I'm not picking sides, or anything,
but if it's eight years of falling up airplane stairs
and dog attacks, sign me up!
[ Laughter and cheering ] Let's do it!
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, Fox News is upset
because Biden didn't call on them for a question.
-Oh. -They're so hurt,
this morning, they did a show called...
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, Fox is mad that they were left out.
It's kind of like your bully being offended
that he's not invited to your birthday party.
[ Laughter ] It's like,
"But I just give you a wedgie this morning."
[ Laughter ]
But Fox News had a lot of very fair questions ready to go.
Questions like, "Sir,
how long have you been a lizard person?"
Stuff like that. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
Well -- -[ Laughs ]
-Illuminati joke, yeah. -Wow. Wow.
-Yeah.
Well, here's some big tech news.
Yesterday, Georgia Republicans built a time machine
back to 1875.
Check out their new law.
-The bill signed last night
by Republican Governor Brian Kemp
is seen by critics
as a collection of voter suppression tactics.
The new law goes so far as to bar volunteers
from passing out water and snacks
to voters standing in lines, lines which are much more likely
to be longer in Black neighborhoods.
[ Booing ]
-Yeah, the state of Georgia just passed a new law
that restricts voting, so let's just say the law is so racist,
it already has its own warning label on Disney+.
[ Laughter ]
When you heard about the law, Vladimir Putin was like --
[ As Putin ] I'm so proud. They learn
to rig their own elections.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Teach a man to rig, he will rig for a lifetime.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of people are pointing out how Georgia's governor
signed the bill into law while he was surrounded
by other white guys.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
They're basically set up like bowling pins
for Stacey Abrams to knock down.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cymbals crash ]
That looks like if the Proud Boys
had a 50-year reunion, doesn't it?
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, the giant cargo ship
is still stuck in the Suez Canal -Oh.
-Wow. -and, every hour, it's delaying
about $400 million worth of goods.
You know, the captain's friends are still like,
"No, honestly, it's not even that bad.
People aren't really talking about it.
[ Laughter ]
Just stay off the Internet.
Just stay off Twitter.
In fact, stay off of everything but this phone call, yeah.
No one's really talking about it."
Meanwhile, every 15 minutes, the captain's wife is like,
"I told you to get off at exit 34."
[ Laughter and applause ]
You can't fit. You can't fit in the thing.
[ Laughter and applause ]
First, they tried freeing the ship with a bulldozer.
Can we take a look at that picture again?
[ Laughter ]
Now, they're saying up to 706,000 cubic feet of sand
will have to be removed to free the ship.
But don't worry, this kid's on it,
so it's going to be perfect.
[ Laughter and applause ] We got it.
Hey, listen to this. A Spirit Airlines flight
from Cleveland to Los Angeles was diverted
after a passenger tried
to open the emergency exit door mid-flight.
Don't worry, everyone is fine.
Thankfully, Spirit always makes sure
their doors are Flex Sealed shut.
[ Laughter ]
Listen, things like this are going to happen
when the in-flight movie is "Mank."
-Yeah. -Ohh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"I'll take 'Scoob!,' whatever you got."
[ Laughter ]
Get this -- there was a mystery light show
in the Pacific Northwest last night
and it turned out to be caused by something
pretty unexpected. Check it out.
-At around 9:00, folks from Seattle to Portland
reported brilliant blazing streaks overhead.
It turns out they were objects
of debris from a SpaceX rocket launched a few weeks ago.
-Phew!
It's just careening, fiery space debris.
[ Laughter ]
For a second, I was nervous. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, some news from Canada.
A police officer pulled someone over after noticing something
that didn't look quite right. Watch this.
-Police in Ontario said an officer
pulled over a motorcyclist whose license plate was homemade
and also misspelled.
[ Laughter ]
When they took him to jail, the police were like,
"It's a good thing you like making license plates."
-Aw. [ Laughter ]
-At first, he tried to bribe the police
by handing them a Post-it note that said "$20" on it.
[ Laughter ]
Then it got even worse when he handed the officer
his driver's license. Look. There you go.