hi I'm James Downey I was head writer at late night from Labor Day of 1982 through 83. Dave
was the guy who made it okay to do smart comedy like when I was at Saturday Night
Live but I'm very proud of the work we did there and everything but the big difference
was that Saturday Night Live wanted to be hip and late night wanted to be smart they would do
things that no one else in that age would have done in comedy we were doing a thing
the theme of the show was we were going to improve the set this unsightly cable runs
out of the microphone and down under the desk so sometime next week we're actually on the
show going to bore a hole right through there so I wanted to mention that to you
it's uh it was too late to get it in the TV Guide so uh if you want to you know keep the kids out
of school a couple of days so they're well rested we'll be actually on this show uh putting up well
about there I guess putting a hole we'll have a high speed maybe even a variable speed drill
and we'll just it's going like I love this guy so [ __ ] much no one else in comedy would even
try to get a laugh on the phrase variable speed drill it was a concept Dave would just you know
flick off he wouldn't even remembered it the next day I remember one one time John Candy
was on the show so the idea was that we had discovered there was a wasp nest in the set
John Candy comes in it's like let me handle it Dave I just saw him the other night in a movie
David
look on the back of my neck
is there something crawling there yeah
did it come from that nest well it could have yeah it's a wasp yeah would you mind uh flicking It Off
very careful
okay that does it that does it I'm going to take care of this
David all right get along broom and in a settling torch right
John you know we could uh after the show they can get it right out of there please I'd like
to just kind of warm them up there there they are that got him that got him I got him mad
thank you
there's some more trouble with Dom DeLuise who knows all right I got him oh great thank you
you got some uh they're all in here you got some nasty not to worry you got some
nasty looking follow the show no longer ever watched problem on this show one time uh and
it's probably not as good as I remembered it but they used to have these things te
amo stores which were like cheap cigars and they had a sign in the window come see the
world's largest humidor and that was the kind of thing we love we loved like goofy
stuff like that excuse me sir are you here to see the world's largest humidor our largest one
have you ever seen the world's largest humidor no I haven't any interest in that none myself
it's the greatest the timing was uh was beautiful
I remember one time I had a friend from college who would grew up in Colombia this was when
Julio Iglesias he was already kind of well known in Europe but had not made any impact
in the U.S but you were seeing signs everywhere like who is Julio Iglesias the idea was we were
calling randomly around the world to find out if people knew who he was noches Don Jose
late night called David Letterman
El programa late night con David Letterman El Senor lettermanas preguntas
go ahead okay tell him there's a sponge in it for him no no just came ask him if he's hurting
Julio Iglesias
see he says absolutely yes he's the famous Spanish
singer does he have does he have a copy of Julio's you hit hello
Julio Iglesias
yes he has them all can he
is he here asking if he can is he near the record player and then to play it for us hey
all right so let's see you let's uh get back to our map again
right here yes we can hear
all the way from Colombia All The Way South America
we did the Hall of Presidents one time it was one of these Museum pieces where like Dave would walk
around with his foul cards and stop at an exhibit I was the voice of the Martin Van
Buren animatron ladies and gentlemen from the late night Hall of Presidents please welcome
not Martin Van Buren but an incredible facsimile the Martin Van Buren animatron
good evening ladies and gentlemen don't be frightened I am Martin Van Buren the
eighth president of the United States may I remind you that there is to be no smoking or
taking of pictures during this performance uh Martin you were the first president who
was born in the United States after the war of independence correct that's right David I was
born in 1782 in Kinderhook New York I see there are some folks here from Kinderhook
thank you David but now I must be going I must rejoin my friends in the Hall of Presidents
right here excuse me Mr President are you all right leave me alone I'm fine it's just my bad
back acting up again this is very unusual I'll be all right we like also populating the show
with like repeat characters we had a Bob Rooney day not everyone in the crew was worked to the
Bone every day they seem to have a lot of breaks and leave the time zone so the idea was Bob no no
you're not lifting a finger today this is Bob Rooney day ladies and gentlemen as you may or
may not know traditionally on Bob Rooney day we do what we can to Grant this man three wishes
anything this man desires myself and the staff and the entire unit here at NBC will do anything
we can to make them a reality so at this time Bob I'd like to ask you whatever it is World
Travel riches jewelry a home in the Bahamas give us now wish number one ladies and gentlemen Bob
Rooney's first wish I think I like a cold beer a cold beer but we have a cold beer for yeah
okay thank you there you go that's thank you very much Tommy that's uh that's wish number
one if you're scoring along at home and and and more than likely you are now Bob uh two left
what about number two uh BLT a BLT ladies and gentlemen Tommy do we have a BLT for Mr Rooney
okay boy there he's eating at its finest uh all right Bob uh the tension is building both
here in the studio and all across North America wish number three Bob what What's it gonna be
another beer another beer or Bob really ladies and gentlemen come on
it's uh I I don't know about you at home but so far it's just an unbelievable night
here in the studio time for bed Billy but Mom it's only four in the afternoon
isn't any way to celebrate Bradbury day who is Bob Rooney who's Bob Rooney Daddy's the
assistant sound man on Late Night with David Letterman Late Night with David Letter who I
don't believe I know that program yeah you know and uh I think we've all had enough of this uh
Bob Rooney none since uh turn out the lights on uh we're in history my parents almost saying anything
Hey kid mind if I read the newspaper wow Bob Rooney I'm on a break
golly Bob Rooney my own house
this is the best babooni day ever if I could only figure out my parents
hi Billy those two adults who put you to bed weren't your parents at all they were just
evil imposters they've been sent to jail here are your real parents we found them
tied up in the basement Oh Billy I'm just so sorry this had to happen on Bob Rooney
day oh don't worry I have a bunch of Bob Rooney day turned out just fine right Bob yeah right
we would be sent boxes and boxes of t-shirts like every College in the country would send
us a t-shirt one time I was on camera we were doing a bit that Andy breckman wrote where it's
premiering the next night's show we actually brought them out and they did their best stuff
so that it was ruining the next night's show basically by promoting it he has Frank Zappa
come out who was always funny whatever Zappa did was funny and then they brought me out to say
what comedy pieces will we be doing I'm wearing a t-shirt from the University of Steuben and so then
we got a viewer mail oh my God your head writer was was wearing a t-shirt from the University of
Steuben they said well we'll get to the bottom of this I promise you and it's a uh it's Jim
Downey here and so I I'm wearing a t-shirt that says kick me Mr Downey is Jim Jim could you come
yeah Jim um I'm sure Kathy would be uh interested in in knowing uh where you got the the t-shirt
that said wazika and Steuben and so forth um I've never even heard of the place you didn't go to
school there no never never heard of it yeah uh then how is it that you were wearing a shirt that
said University of wazika at Steuben am I in some kind of trouble Dave uh no Jim no this is just
we're trying to find out the origin of the shirt and so forth where did you get that shirt well
um I don't know but uh sometimes I I wear shirts without really reading what's on them
okay Jim thank you very much thank you it's Jim Downey over there ladies and gentlemen
one of the things that I had really liked was a George Meyer thing I'm absolutely certain
the giant doorknob like great fun at parties number one a toy in Mexico where it's known
as oh this is my favorite by the way it's the giant phony door knob the oversized jumbo knob
oversized jumbo knob is much larger than it should be in fact it's just plain big
you just put this on your door see you yell come on in it's just plain big all right
giant giant doorknob and this is made of pewter
so it won't wear out as fast as the other giant doorknobs
so you'd never go through one of these things in a light year um it didn't get a big response I said
that today we should we should do a thing where we we sort of go wait a minute audience we feel
you did not show the proper respect for that joke a sampling of opinion around the office indicates
that perhaps you don't understand how truly big this doorknob is so tonight by way of comparison
let me show you a doorknob that perhaps you would find on a medicine cabinet here then
is what we agree to be a normal sized doorknob and Now ladies and gentlemen the giant people
have come up to me on the street and they have said Dave I've seen that giant doorknob and I
don't think it's all that funny is it is it even bigger than a bread box well yes it's even bigger
than a bread box it I remember having charts of like giant doorknob man brontosaurus you know that
kind of thing are you getting how large this thing is you know the one item that we've had on this
show that has inspired the greatest amount of mail certainly has to be the giant doorknob we received
an especially thought-provoking letter just last week from a little girl in Portland Oregon and she
wrote Dear Dave I am very frightened because there is such a huge doorknob in the world
it's just too big I wish there was no such thing Yours Truly Kimberly Adams well Kimberly we here
at late night also wish there were no such thing as the giant doorknob as you can see there's no
denying it's just plain big and it also happens to be a little frightening but Kimberly who's
going to tell our friends in the Kremlin to get rid of their giant doorknobs take a look at this
photograph taken by one of our high altitude surveillance satellites computer enhancement and
expert analysis reveal that the Soviets have been developing and deploying their own giant doorknobs
using methods that I am not at Liberty to reveal at this time the staff of late night has been able
to get a hold of one of the new generation Soviet giant doorknobs called the ss-17
as you can see the ss-17 dwarfs even the American Giant doorknob and while it is
obviously less sophisticated than our version its sheer size makes it another dangerous step in the
insane giant doorknob buildup well let me tell the Russians one thing the United States will
never just sit back and let the Soviets win the doorknob race without a fight unless a freeze
on doorknobs can be negotiated the Pentagon is prepared to deploy yet a larger giant doorknob
thank you very much
and if this isn't enough here's an artist's conception of what Boston
and cities throughout the country will look like by the year 1995.
and when the doorknobs get this big everyone gets scared not just little girls in Portland we here
at late night wish to plead for some sanity for an end to this insane doorknob build up before
it's too late thank you
for a long time the show was like embargoed right NBC when they were punishing Dave for
going to CBS by saying then we won't let it you know because I inquired about this was
probably like 93 because like maybe I that's I couldn't find the tape and and there's nope
nope it's all to New Jersey in a lead casket that with triple you know fireproof doors no
no one has the I don't have the key no one no you know was like okay [ __ ] you