this this light is harsher it's very
harsh hmm it's okay - man because it's
more homogeneous yeah but it's so cute
in the back okay we gotta show more of
the house you know this is peas room
yeah yeah we sleep in separate rooms
that's okay great way to start up good
yeah hey we're soul mates okay are you
ready
mm-hmm that painting is crooked oh yeah
it's only crooked on camera okay yeah
okay are you ready for this video no
because I mean I was doing something she
comes she puts everything out but and
she goes are you ready for the video
which video just get in front of the guy
that's just this okay I don't know what
I'm supposed to be ready for okay
so yeah go ahead but if it's not up to
me we never record yeah it's true queen
of procrastination over here so you know
this is not my first relationship okay
okay and thank God because maybe because
maybe if it was my first relationship I
would have thought that this is normal
but I know for a fact that this wasn't
the case in my past relationships mm-hmm
what I'm talking about is you know
usually in a relationship you meet with
somebody there's an attraction you want
to get closer to that person that person
wants to get closer to you and it's kind
of like a mutual dance of just trying to
get closer to each other
mm-hmm with you it feels more like we're
attracted I try to get closer you get
closer I get closer you get farther away
I'm like what's going on
and then I go farther away and you come
back and then I
back and you go away yes so this has
been a repeating pattern and fire
relationship ever since the beginning
maybe mm-hmm I mean as soon as I
committed you got scared yeah I did I
think it's very clear that I'm afraid of
emotional intimacy so that's why as soon
as you come towards me and I come
towards you and then there is more of my
opening to that emotional intimacy I
right away pull back because it gets too
much for me
first of all let's define emotional
intimacy emotional intimacy is when you
feel the other person's heart very close
to your heart and they're like a part of
you and you just want to squeeze my
cheeks I think it's a bit more complex
emotional intimacy is when you open up
to your own first of all to your own
vulnerability and then you know that is
there for the other person that you let
in why are you so afraid of that because
my like the way I think at least the way
my brain was wired is that okay if you
go into vulnerability if you basically
show you who you are who you really are
that's not good because you were loved
not because of the way you wear but
because of the way other people wanted
you to me so I was worried in that way
so and that helped me to build all my
masks and express myself through my
through those masks which were not me
the real me in fact when I met you you
were so different than you are now and
it wasn't even attracted to you I guess
I found you very off-putting yes those
masks were very harsh yes I think this
is a prominent problem with many people
who grab wear basic
you have to comply to certain societal
rules and to certain way of being in the
family so the family already had a
program for you okay this kid is going
to become this it was going to behave
like that and you're not seen first and
foremost by your parents for who you are
and that everything starts from there
basically yeah so you're not seeing for
who you are you're not validated for who
yeah even when I was so young learn how
not to be who you are exactly even when
I was crying in public I learned that
it's a shameful you know you're not
supposed to cry in public and then you
have to keep it in to the point that
then it's gone you know you don't live
in that moment you don't process that
pain in that moment you saw it's kind of
the past and it stays there so there's a
lot of shame you know you brought with a
lot of shame about being vulnerable yeah
so are you saying that the reason you're
afraid of emotional intimacy is because
you're afraid of your own vulnerability
yes okay so can I just say though how it
feels to be in a relationship with a
person who is afraid of intimacy like
from my perspective yes it's very
painful because even if I know all of
these things about you and where it's
coming from and that it's all about you
and it has nothing to do with me like
automatically when somebody pulls away
from you you wonder did I do something
wrong
did I do something off-putting is it me
and it becomes this like almost wound
inside of me where I constantly feel
like I did something to drive you away
and I never know what that is and the
fact that I didn't feel that in my past
relationships that God gives me like
enough perspective to know that it's not
personal and this is not how every
relationship works but like it imagine
if you were my first that would be yeah
Ramat I think that would be like wow
and something must be so wrong with me
that when we get a little bit close it's
too much for her she has to go yeah I
want to talk about coping mechanisms
yeah because I feel like you have a lot
I mean I have a lot too but that's
another story and your coping mechanisms
are basically around escaping yeah for
some reason I tend to create a busy life
for myself and that's I think an escape
it's a way of escaping you know so they
have little doors at my disposal and
when I feel that urge of getting away I
have a lot of options
I learned that escaping was representing
safety for me because I I grew up with a
mom mother who was expecting a lot from
me like in she was emotionally demanding
so like it represented a huge pressure
right and no being left alone and being
able being accepted to give emotionally
to her whenever I wanted whenever I feel
like you know it's like what do you mean
give emotionally to my mother what does
that mean because I don't know what that
means actually giving like whenever I
would you know whatever you are ready to
be there emotionally for somebody you
have to choose it you cannot wait you
have to be there emotionally for your
mother why well because you're not a
therapist what do you mean no no no no
you know when you entertain a
relationship with somebody whether it's
a parent is a parent or you know
daughter or a lover you know you're
there emotionally for these people right
yeah but I mean when you sketch for that
should be like no it becomes a chore
when it's that emotional presence is
demanded okay so it's like imposed on
exactly so that's when it becomes
becomes a chore Wow
and that this is what comes into my mind
whatever I mean you know in a
relationship and I feel that immediately
there is that mechanism that goes back
into what I learned
I'm having like an epiphany moment all
right because there have been many
moments in the past in our relationship
where like something bad would happen
and I would be in like distress and
whenever I would turn to you with
usually I'm used to like if you turn to
a friend or a lover they look comfort
you you know that's when we turn to and
I will turn to you and you would freak
out and run away the best reaction
possible in that moment like just worsen
everything
I wasn't ready yet so I ran away I'm a
total I think you say exactly the same
thing you were going you were like yeah
it's painful it's very painful I can't
imagine I can't imagine because it's
like the light is on and no one is in
right I also learned that just observing
the dynamic between my parents Oh
interest well my father was constantly
escaping constantly yeah so as my mom
was so emotionally demanding on him as
well so he was constantly escaping and I
saw him doing that and I thought wow wow
what a great way yeah you know I'm gonna
ask you something have you ever been in
a relationship with somebody who was
just like you mm-hmm
yeah how was that for you it was
interesting because we were mirroring
each other and it was interesting to see
myself in this person and we had the
same mechanisms right and so I kind of
there was more of an awareness you know
to understand okay am I like that oh my
god I don't wanna and I'm gonna be like
that because this hurts yeah you know
it's the absence the emotional absence
hurts
although was understood Ali
understanding the other side also I
noticed one thing that the more I
trusted this process of opening up to
vulnerability and becoming more my
so I noticed that there is less pressure
on your side on me so I noticed that the
balance was immediately restored right
and there was no I I never felt like
that pressure from you in those moments
whenever I would come you know into that
place where I was more open and
emotionally vulnerable I think that what
we have to notice is that if you take a
perfectly healthy person let's say who's
balanced in this way and you introduced
to them somebody who keeps avoiding them
this person will get frustrated it's the
human nature yeah they're not gonna be
unaffected by your behavior
yeah and they will be more less
frustrated and that you'll perceive as a
demand yes exactly so in a way you're
creating this yes even if the person
isn't emotionally like manipulative to
start with we're gonna start creating
that in them because they're just
frustrated they don't know what the hell
is going on
exactly in fact at one point you know I
hear also friends and then me myself
included you know why am I always in the
same relationship like with people who
are demanding or emotionally demanding
of me and then I understood that I was
the one creating you know that dynamic
so yeah let's react in fact this is what
you see easily when you have a kid is
that you will create in them the pattern
that you're enforcing reinforcing yes so
for example your mom mm-hmm you know
being emotionally demanding yeah created
in you the avoidant exactly you as the
avoidant will create emotionally demand
exactly it's like a byproduct exactly it
still though being in a relationship
with you is hard for that very reason I
mean I love you mm-hmm like I love every
piece in part of you but yeah when it
becomes painful yeah I like try to get
away from you yeah and this is the the
main reason why we have arguments
sometimes and frustration is going on
but I want to publicly thank a friend of
ours
who's been very present and helping us
because you really need an outside
perspective so I would like to frame
Michael thank you Michael thank you for
being you know with us especially with
saying as well because it's harder
actually on on this on this side I must
say because she stays with the pain I
avoid it so it's always hard on the side
it's harder for me when I feel that oh
my god I'm losing this I'm losing this
she's getting away from me and that's
when I come back to catch to catch her
and then no stay stay I don't know what
I'm doing and I'm sorry I mean not in
fact this is been playing out a lot
feels like you only want me when you
feel like you're losing me only when
you're in pain do you come back yes the
pain of losing me makes you come back so
what is it about pain that makes you
present yeah this is actually another
nasty thing that I do when I'm sure that
the love is there you know and the
affection is there and the attachment is
there you know sometimes I go yeah you
know I go and you know it's like you put
it in the drawer and you give it for
granted
yeah and but when she wakes me up you
know and say I'm alive I want to feel
you there present I'm alive but you
cannot I'm not an object you can just
store and then go there whenever you
want even this going there whenever I
want it is kind of abusive basically in
a relationship and it's perceived as
such and it is yes so and and this is
again it's part of that feeling safe
feeling safe exactly because if I if I
go there I do you know if she's there I
do whenever I want I feel free also
don't feel the pressure because I'm
totally avoiding her you know avoiding
this and also you're in control because
and I'm including I don't get to say
take me out of the drawer or play with
me now exactly just gonna say
exactly so so yeah this has been a
frustrating thing for us eventually
these are the things that can bring a
couple to a breakup eventually yeah so
let's see how much brain rewiring I'm
able to do before this I mean there's a
lot of progress okay first of all you've
been aware of it it's like huge yes well
most people don't even want to go there
yes I mean I can see it very clearly now
and that helps me a lot as well because
not knowing what was going on was really
painful yeah would you like to say like
what helps you like move out of that
pattern it's really my own path what I'm
going towards and as I said many times
before in other videos it's really
cultivating my little self and go into
that place where I don't play by the
masks anymore I'm not doing this work
for you you know it's very important to
establish that because you don't do well
you don't change for somebody else you
have to change for yourself so that's
where the real change start and then
everything falls into place like
automatically because by going towards
your inner self your true self you will
be open to vulnerability you will be
willing to share that and and to let
people in without feeling all that panic
and pressure yeah I would say what's
helping me is cultivating more soft
worth mm-hmm and knowing that my
self-worth doesn't depend on how you
react to me because I tend to be more
insecure yes I guess it's also about my
age and all of that but it's not about
you yes I really need to just understand
it's not about me and not take it
personally mmm otherwise it's really
really painful and I can't stay in this
relation I noticed actually one thing
which is very important is that whenever
you when ever since you understood that
it's no
about you and that is sinking in I feel
a bit more relaxed panicking exactly you
know it's funny because you know you're
afraid of losing me but it's really that
I was afraid of losing you
because imagine being with somebody
who's constantly feels like you know
they're leaving you
yeah that's how it feels yeah it's scary
especially when I need you emotionally
yeah and you just disappear and there's
nothing worse I think because I felt
that there's nothing worse Oh feeling
lonely when you are in a relationship
oh and that really struck me I don't I
don't want my partner to feel lonely
when she's with me that really was
something that shaped me up a bit yeah
yeah all right
so that was a lot I hope you enjoyed
this chat I felt like this plays out in
a lot of couples so yeah I think share
your thoughts with us yeah we'll be
great all right
I'm sweating okay so let's go all right
so to the next one ciao that's not what
we say oh that's not really even English
okay say something in Italian say like
see you see in our next video in Italian
so are you there Chopra sumo video ciao
ciao