Welcome back to the show.
According to CNN's trusty countdown clock,
the world will be ending on Friday.
So if you're looking for a roadmap to the road,
it might help to talk to someone who's walked it before.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Russian author and dissident
Masha Gessen knows autocracy firsthand.
I originally spoke with her before I visited Moscow,
which was before our election.
And she had some reassuring words about a potential Trump
presidency.
I feel like we're staring into an abyss.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Now that we're actually plummeting
into that abyss, I sought out Masha again for more
of her comforting insights.
This time, I took her to the only place I feel truly safe.
Hey, Julie D.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): My subterranean panic room.
[GRUNTING]
This way.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Would you care for a soup?
I've been coming in here and stress-eating quite a bit.
Not much left.
So I guess my first question is, what
is the recipe for successfully resisting an autocracy?
I get asked that a lot.
Mm-hmm.
So?
You know, I had to flee my country.
OK.
Most efforts to successfully resist that I know of failed.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Well, thanks
for joining us for another addition of "Bunker Talk
with Samantha Bee."
Today's guest was--
[SIGH]
I should ask for another question.
What are your biggest worries about the incoming Trump
administration?
Oh, my biggest worry is a nuclear holocaust.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Thanks again
for joining us for "Bunker Talk with Samantha Bee."
If miraculously we avoid that--
OK.
--then he's certain to do irreparable damage
to the environment that will make the survival of the human
species impossible.
I thought you were going to kind of, like, ease me into it.
Just the tip at first.
But there's very little we can do.
So I stick to little things like the impossibility of going
on to democracy after Trump.
Where are we in the whole downfall of America thing?
I mean, can you show me on this chart where rock bottom is?
So let's say this little mark here
represents in the primaries talking about creating
a Muslim registry.
OK.
We'll go downhill from there.
Mexicans are rapists.
And then, of course, grab 'em-- grab 'em by the pussy.
Just get another page.
I'm gonna need more paper.
What low points do you expect to see in our near future?
Well, he's going to lift the sanctions against Russia.
He's going to start banning one newspaper after another
from the White House.
He is going to start thinking about wars.
He is going to go to the Putin model of holding
one press conference a year.
Hold on a second.
Jesus.
OK, are we at rock bottom yet?
No, no, no.
So suppose some cities refuse to cooperate with deportations.
So he calls on the American people
to start reporting immigrants.
I think that's when we start getting into really disgusting
territories, when he sets-- - Is that rock bottom?
No, no, that's not rock bottom.
But that will be the beginning of a culture
of citizen against citizen.
OK, so that's rock bottom.
And then we bounce back?
So there's a Russian joke.
We thought we have hit rock bottom,
and then someone knocked from below.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): I'm sure that joke's funnier
in the original Russian, just as Trump's pronouncements
would likely sound better screamed in German.
And speaking of Trump speaking--
In this way, he is very similar to Putin.
He uses language to assert his power over reality.
What he's saying is, I claim the right
to say whatever the hell I please,
and what are you going to do about it?
It's hard for me to believe that he
has the cunning to be perpetrating
this intentionally.
It's instinctual.
It's what-- it's a bully in a playground.
OK.
You know, it's like imagine a little kid who says to you,
give me my pencil box back.
And he says, I don't have your pencil box.
But it's right there in your right hand.
There's nothing in my right hand.
You know, that's what he's doing.
The point is not so much to take your pencil box.
It's to render you completely powerless.
Because everything you know how to do-- which is to say,
it's right there, it's right there-- is useless.
And you look foolish no matter what.
You don't come out cool.
And you don't get your box back either.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Meaning the box
that Trump grabbed, the one containing
a functioning democracy.
And also meaning your vagina box.
Is there anything that I personally can do to resist?
The thing, I think, to do-- and this is my recipe--
is to actually to continue panicking,
to continue to be sort of the hysteric
in the room and to keep saying, this is not normal.
I can stay hysterical.
Good, good.
[FAKE LAUGH]
Keep doing that.
And just remember why you're panicking.
Write a note to yourself about what you would never do.
OK.
And when you come to the line, don't cross it.
What if Ivanka wants to come on your show?
Ivanka?
No.
Why?
Do you think she'd do it?
Is she asking about me?
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Masha and I
had an extensive and encouraging conversation.
Really, it's the nuclear holocaust
that I'm worried about.
SAMANTHA BEE (VOICEOVER): Oh-ho-ho-ho, there it is again.
All right, I am never leaving this room.
Thank God we have Sting here in the bunker
to keep us company and serenade us.
Hey.
Can you sing that song for her?
She'll love it.
(SINGING) I hope the Russians love their children too.
Me too.
You know that's not really Sting, right?
Well, if that's not Sting, then who have
I been having tantric sex with?
[THEME MUSIC]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
We'll be right back.
[THEME MUSIC]