As we've seen,
athletes' national anthem protests
have stoked passionate arguments on both sides.
And there's really only one place to resolve this issue--
in
ANNOUNCER:
sparks an Internet firestorm, it's up to Judge Roy
to sort the justified from the just straight trippin'.
It all happens now on...
Today on
patriotism versus protest.
Jordan Klepper thinks athlete protests
during the national anthem are vile and un-American.
Desi Lydic thinks protests are patriotic
and that Jordan is being a little bitch.
-Hey. -It's true.
BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Judge Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah. You
Ain't none of the Kaepernick (bleep) going on in here.
Be seated. Jordan, what's your opening statement?
Thank you, Your Honor.
Ladies and gentlemen of the court,
take a look at this... flag.
Now, this sacred flag represents
the countless brave Americans
who put themselves in harm's way
to protect everything we hold dear--
liberty, opportunity,
the free sub that comes with the purchase
of nine other free subs.
The only thing America asks of you in return
is that you rise up off your fat, pampered American ass
when they raise that flag for the national anthem.
As long as you're standing and your hand is over your heart...
(chuckles) you can think about whatever you want.
Like for me, I like to come up with ways to fake my own death.
You see, my marriage is kind of crumbling,
-and no matter what I do... -All right, all right,
all right, all right, we've heard enough of that.
Too much? All right.
Desi, your opening statements, please.
Your Honor, my colleague would like you to believe
that the flag stands for
that make America great.
But in reality, the flag represents the 50 states
and 13 colonies, and any symbolism beyond that
is sort of up to you.
For some, it's the bravery of our troops.
For others, it's a criminal justice system
that discriminates against black people.
For me, well, when I watch that flag waving in the wind,
I'm reminded of a flag bikini I was forced to wear
-in a Nelly video in '02. -That was a good video.
Hey. I'm all for protest--
but there's a right way and a wrong way to do it.
Okay, Your Honor, I'd like to hear my colleague's "right way"
of protesting, like, uh, marching?
No way. Clogs up traffic. Pain in the ass.
-Okay, how about a boycott? -Oh, sure,
punish the small businessman who's just trying
-to feed his family. -How about a hashtag?
Uh, clogs up your Twitter feed.
Also, do you think hashtags grow on trees?
'Cause they don't. Fruit does.
And twigs.
Or... limbs, leaves,
-acorns... -We know what grows on trees.
Do we, Your Honor? All I'm saying is
why do athletes have to bring politics into sport?
Uh, I think because we started doing the national anthem
-at every sporting event. -Oh, that's when it happened?
-Yeah, I think that's when it happened. -Oh, oh,
-that's awfully convenient. -WOOD: Order! Order!
Siri, order me some popcorn shrimp
and a baked potato.
SIRI: I think you said, "Find ingredients with tomatoes."
-(sighs) -Okay, you know what's un-American?
Is condemning someone for protesting the national anthem.
-Are you calling me un-American? -Yeah.
Because I'm more American than you.
I once had a threesome with a hot dog and a bald eagle
in the back of a Ford pickup truck.
Jordan, you have no idea what it's like to be a minority.
No offense, but you're a white dude--
you got privilege coming out your ass.
You can do whatever you want, when you want,
without any consequences.
Even right now in this courtroom,
you're getting a pedicure from an old Asian lady.
Technically, it still is sandal season.
All right, I'm ready to rule.
Jordan is right. To millions of people,
the flag and the anthem are sacred,
and for anyone to protest it is beyond disrespectful.
But Kaepernick and these other athletes
feel like they're beyond disrespected
by a biased legal system.
So here's my decision.
We're just not gonna play the national anthem
at sporting events anymore.
It's done. We'll save it for special occasions,
like
or when your homeboy gets released from prison.
And at the beginning of every football game,
we'll play "Hey Ya!"
-♪ ♪ -It's fun, it's catchy,
and it unites us under one message--
to shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Boy, that Andre 3000's something else.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some walnuts to crack.
Dismissed.