(gentle electronic music)
- Hey everybody, happy Monday.
Now I received a question on a recent Patreon live stream
and it's something that I really wanted to address here
because this way of thinking and feeling is very common
and something that I think maybe we all could benefit from.
Now the question was, "Hey Kati!
"I really struggle with feeling responsible
"for other people's emotions, including my therapist.
"I constantly analyze people
"to ensure I know how they're feeling
"so that I can respond appropriately.
"This is an exhausting habit of mine
"and causes me to not be able to meet my own needs.
"It's especially unhealthy in therapy
"because I'm so concerned with how my therapist is doing
"and how I make her feel.
"She has very healthy boundaries with me
"and has not played into this issue at all.
"I believe it really is a me problem.
"I think it causes me to hold back in session
"because I don't want to make her sad.
"For context, I'm completely an empath type
"and was a parentified child of a single mom.
"Do you have any advice?"
Now first of all,
we all know how important boundaries are in life, right?
These emotional and physical borders
allow us and those around us to feel heard,
understood, and respected.
But when boundaries are crossed,
those benefits are completely lost.
Our boundaries can be crossed by others in our life
as well as ignored by us,
meaning that maybe we never considered what was okay
or not okay for us
or we don't feel confident enough in ourselves
to communicate what types of things
we won't accept from others.
And I just think it's important to mention that here
because I find, I'm just gonna be honest,
that we're very quick to blame it on others
or just not wanna talk to someone anymore
when we're just as much to blame, if not more so
for the boundary itself being crossed.
And the reason that I bring up boundaries
is because this question reeks of a complete lack of them.
When we think, or more likely,
believe that we are actually responsible
for how someone else feels
our ability to do what's best for us is impaired.
Not to mention that we are not responsible
for how someone else feels.
They own that.
Just like the person who asked this question said,
"This is an exhausting habit of mine
"and it causes me to not be able to meet my own needs,"
it's super exhausting and for many reasons.
But the main reason
is that we cannot read other people's minds.
And no matter what we do,
we can't make people feel any kinda way.
When we engage in this type of behavior,
we forget that the other person has a choice.
Imagine that.
They get to choose how to react or respond to us
and there isn't anything that can be done
to ensure we get the response we want.
This type of thinking and behavior is really common
in children who grew up in homes
where addiction was an issue or abuse,
as well as those who were parentified,
like the person who asked this question.
The reason this is so common in homes like that
is because we don't feel free to be ourselves
and be independent.
Too much of our life is wrapped up and affected deeply
by unhealthy things that someone else is doing.
Too much of it is out of our control
and so we control the one thing that we can, ourselves.
We can think that if we just say or do the right thing
they won't hurt us or use drugs or be sad all the time.
But going back to what I already mentioned,
we don't control them.
They have free will to do,
feel, act, and think however they want.
And so we try harder and harder
to make things better or okay
and that ends up hindering our own growth and confidence.
This type of behavior
can also express itself in overapologizing.
When we don't get the response that we're hoping for,
or they still use alcohol or abuse us,
we can think that we're to blame,
or that maybe if we had just said sorry
they wouldn't do the hurtful thing anymore.
We can also apologize
because as our confidence gets lower and lower,
we can feel like we don't have a right to take up space
or have needs or wants or possibly even be in this world.
We could say sorry for just being ourselves
and doing what anyone else would do.
For example, like I really struggle with overapologizing
and I used to apologize to strangers in the grocery store
for being in the aisle looking at what I wanted to buy,
like trying to make a decision.
I would apologize just because they needed to get by me.
I mean, that's crazy, right?
But it was really hard for me to stop doing this.
And when I get really stressed out,
I will start to overapologize
and really apologize for everything.
It's super frustrating.
And okay, so this sucks and we all do it
and we hate that we do,
so what do we do about it?
Well the first thing,
and what was actually the most helpful for me personally,
was to start noticing how often we get upset
about something someone else did.
I know, this sounds strange, but just stay with me.
Like, the person trying to get past me in the store,
for example.
If I was trying to get past someone else,
would I be upset at them for being there
and expect an apology?
Of course I wouldn't.
Or do I expect everyone in my life
to do exactly what I want
and if they don't, I become irate?
Nope.
What if someone said something that was upsetting to me?
Would I immediately lash out at them?
Of course I wouldn't.
Paying attention to what is upsetting
and what is us going overboard
in effort to not upset anyone, like walking on eggshells,
it can help us see when we are going too far.
It kinda puts things in perspective.
Or I've used this term, check the facts,
and it's kind of another way of checking those facts.
And another tip is taking the time to journal,
you knew this was coming,
or even just recognize
when we're trying to read someone's mind,
or think we can see the future.
So often when we don't have healthy boundaries
and our a mesh with people in our lives
we can't think that we can read their minds
and do certain things
to get them to act in a particular way.
I'm sorry to tell ya, but we can't.
So check your facts.
Like, real, tangible, could stand up in court facts.
Not assumptions, not reading minimal body language,
pauses, or whatever.
And this goes for trying to see the future.
We can't know what's going to come next
and constantly trying to predict it is exhausting,
not to mention anxiety provoking.
So notice if you're doing of those things.
And check your facts.
I promise, this tip helped me a lot.
And next, communicate.
Sure, we can do some of this unhealthy behavior
with strangers, like those people in the grocery store,
but it mostly happens with those
that we are in close relationships with.
So take advantage of that fact and start talking.
Let them know that you find yourself doing this
and that you're going to try and stop.
Talk to them about boundaries.
Explain what they are, maybe,
and how you're trying to figure out what yours are.
And then when you do that,
when you put those boundaries in place,
and just FYI, I have videos about these things
so you can search for them and find them.
And once you've put those boundaries in place,
you can let them know what they are
and then, you guessed it, talk more about it.
It's okay to tell people what we're thinking,
feeling, and doing.
In fact, our relationships and ourselves
will improve because of it.
Also, when we are communicating with people,
make sure you're asking questions,
not making assumptions, right?
Ask them if they are in fact angry.
See if something you did was truly upsetting or not.
Or just check in with people.
We aren't expected to know what's going on
or if everything's okay unless we ask.
And be open to sharing
your own thoughts and upsets as they happen
because they can't read our minds either.
I know. Surprising.
And to make sure I answer that question completely,
because I know her question had a lot to do with therapy,
in therapy, you don't have to worry about
what you say to your therapist.
It's the one place where there isn't any judgment
and that time is set aside just for you.
We are there to listen, understand,
and assist you on your way to a better you.
There aren't any right or wrong things to say,
just be as honest as you can about where you are
and what you're thinking and doing
and I promise you it will change your life.
So let them know this is happening, check in,
tell them how it's still a struggle.
Just be honest about your process
and they can help you work through it.
I hope you found this video helpful.
And if you did, please share it.
Like I said at the beginning,
this way of thinking and acting is very common
and you never know who this could help.
Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(lightly upbeat electronic music)
(bell chimes)