I'm going marshmallow marshmallow
marshmallow but no one can hear me just
nicely
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on this down here's it out it's a bunch
of comics telling true stories and
that's all it is this next comic is a
really really good friend of mine the
Machine mr. Bert Kreischer everybody a
fall to bear one time I know it sounds
ridiculous to me as it does to you but I
used to have a show called hurt Bert was
on FX and I used to take new men's
dangerous jobs every week was a brand
new guy and I took his dangerous job so
you can imagine the excitement I got
when I I had when I got a call one
morning and they said hey do you want to
fight a bear I was like who does that
for a living and they're like you do on
Thursday so I show up on set and it's a
real grizzly bear it is a 9-foot bear
sitting on a park bench just
a vacant look and it does dumbest you
think a bear would look good so I walk
up I'm 28 years old I don't know any
better I stick my hand in front of his
nose so he can get my scent and the
trainer loses his what are you
doing he's getting my son he's a grizzly
bear not a labradoodle because that's
not how we do we have protocol around
here I said okay what am I supposed to
do is take these and he hands me five
marshmallows here's when the Bears not
looking take a marshmallow put it your
mouth then discreetly walk in front of
the bear just casually show him the
marshmallow like halt and allow the bear
the opportunity to engage you
he needs to engage you and take the
marshmallow out of your mouth with his
mouth this way he'll learn to trust you
when I was like that who thought of
this the bear is this the Bears idea
he's like hey buddy this is how we do it
and my whole television crews behind him
like this is how I do it's my second TV
show ever I have no idea what I'm doing
I'm 28 and I want I want so I'm like all
right I don't care I'll do it so I take
five marshmallows I hide behind the bear
and like David Blaine I whip one into my
mouth then nonchalantly walk in front of
the bear like a like a street hooker
like and the bear goes from vacant too
excited jizz and he starts jumping and
he rushes me and tongues it out of my
mouth
tongues bears never brush their teeth
I'm making out with a homeless person
five times in a row we get done in the
train it goes fantastic we're ready
I go hold on I have a learning thing use
you kidding me learn the most important
lesson of the day and that is the bear
likes marshmallows
what's that mean for me he goes listen
if you get in trouble just very
confidently say marshmallow and what
will happen is the bear will hear that
and he'll give you some space to be your
marshmallow trick but will ear it will
know you're in trouble
and we'll get you out of there that's
your safe word I was like yeah but he
thinks they're inside me he's like
you'll be fine let's go and the bear I
swear and I know you're gonna go
the bear was smiling he was
he's got that look in his face like I
know how to get marshmallows around here
and he runs up to me and I can't
express it perfectly it's like being in
a car crash the most helpless I've ever
felt he grabs me by the ears both paws
lifts me off the ground effortlessly and
starts trying to shake marshmallows out
of my ass but no one can hear me there's
a nicely bear going all of a sudden he
drops me and that is at the moment that
I thought I was gonna die he lets go and
I'm like thank God then his fingernail
grabbed my belt loop
just snagged it and he spun me doggy
style
and locked on in a bear hug just
grinding gently on my ass cuz alright
now we're both facing the same direction
I'm looking at the crew the trailer
going marshmallow
everyone's laughing except for the
trainer who looks panicked he waves and
catches eyes with me and goes go limp
I'm like please be talking to me right
now and the is there a bear
climbing up my jeans
about the split center scene of more
snow more so I go limp I know it looks
like I'm getting date-raped by a bear
just I slide out of his paws laying on
my back and that's the last thing I
remember because apparently his
instincts took over and he sat on my
face my wife who I had been dating for
three months at the time I had invited
her to the set so I could impress her
when it's not afraid of big animals at
all she goes over the bag of
marshmallows grabs a marshmallow puts it
in her mouth
stands by my feet and goes paw the bear
then takes his balls out of my mouth
walks over to her they pull the bear to
one side her to the other if they drag
me under a tree and I wake up in the lap
of my producer Tim Scott I open my eyes
I look at Tim it's the first thing I see
and I was like what happened he's like
well you got raped and teabag by a bear
I want to get tested he's like but that
chick that LeAnn chick I think she saved
your life and I look over and my wife at
that moment it's coming running over to
me and it's like it's out of a movie and
I know you're gonna go really is this
how this happen well it's my
narrative okay she leans in her head
blocks the Sun there is a halo from the
Lord himself or herself I don't care and
she is staring down at me and she says
to me in her southern accent how are you
okay and I looked back at her with with
the Sun caressing her face and I knew
without a doubt in that instant at that
very moment you look really that's when
you knew yeah that's when I knew I would
have never done that for her thank you
guys
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you