WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING.
THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT THERE, THAT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.
IT IS FRIDAY AND TRUMP IS THANKING GOD THAT IT IS.
BECAUSE HE'S HAD A ROUGH WEEK.
THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN SO DAMNING, TRUMP NEEDED HIS
HOUSE REPUBLICAN BUDDIES TO BARGE INTO THE CLASSIFIED
TESTIMONY TO TRY TO SHUT IT DOWN.
WHEN THEY FINALLY DO MAKE THE TESTIMONY PUBLIC, HE'LL HAVE TO
SEND THOSE GUYS TO EVERY AMERICAN'S HOUSE TO BLOCK THEIR
TVs.
THERE ARE 18 DEMOCRATS VYING TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE THE
OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY
STYLE."
>> GENDER-NEUTRAL BATHROOMS!
>> Stephen: TONIGHT, IT'S A SOLEMN D-STYLE, BECAUSE WE
JUST A LITTLE LESS D.
NAMELY, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN WHO RELEASED A DOVE THAT
FLEW DIRECTLY INTO A JET ENGINE, TIM RYAN.
THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE.
YESTERDAY, RYAN ISSUED THIS ANNOUNCEMENT:
>> I'M ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT I'M WITHDRAWING FROM THE
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
I GOT INTO THIS RACE IN APRIL TO REALLY GIVE VOICE TO THE
FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: AND I CAN THINK OF NO BETTER VOICE TO REPRESENT THE
FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF AMERICA THAN...
HELP ME OUT HERE.
WAS IT... RYAN JIMMIES?
CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY?
IT'S THREE NAMES.
WELL, NOW THAT CONGRESSMAN CHAD IS GONE, LET'S REMOVE HIM FROM
OUR GIANT CLUSTER OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.
AND...
IT LOOKS LIKE WE FORGOT TO PUT HIM IN THERE.
I DON'T SEE HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAN WE JUST JAM HIM IN THERE
SOME PLACE, JIM.
THANK YOU!
GREAT.
NOW LET'S TAKE HIM AWAY.
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRATIC DONORS HAVE WARNED THE PARTY THAT IF THEY NOMINATE
ELIZABETH WARREN, THEY'LL SIT OUT OR BACK TRUMP.
SO IF YOU CAN'T HAVE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, YOU'LL TAKE THE
WORST THING YOU CAN IMAGINE.
WORST THING THERE IS.
"WE'RE ORDERING PIZZA?
SWEET.
I WANT PEPPERONI.
AND IF YOU ORDER MUSHROOM, I'M GOING TO HIT MYSELF IN THE NARDS
WITH A BALL-PEEN HAMMER.
I DOLL IT!
I WILL DO IT!
DON'T MAKE ME!" WHY ARE THESE FINANCE DEMOCRATS
SO OPPOSED TO WARREN?
WELL, ONE WALL STREET DOUCHEWIG PUT IT THIS WAY: "WARREN IS AN
UNAPOLOGETIC POPULIST WHO WOULD REDUCE CORPORATE EARNINGS TO
BENEFIT OTHER STAKEHOLDERS."
WHICH STAKEHOLDERS?
"WORKERS," THE "ENVIRONMENT," "THOSE WITH LOWER INCOMES," AND
FINALLY, "WOMEN AND MINORITIES."
BOO!
WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT INNOCENT CORPORATE EARNINGS?
THINK OF POOR DOWAGER JONES AND LITTLE TIMMY NASDAQ.
( LAUGHTER )
SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH THEIR SECOND-FAVORITE COKE DEALER.
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORDS OF JESUS?
"IF YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT, GO, SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE
IT ALL TO THE STOCK MARKET.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET COIN.
SUCK IT, MEEK!"
"SUCK IT, MEEK!"
PARAPHRASING.
>> Jon: TRANSLATION.
IT'S A TRANSLATION >> Stephen: ONE BIG DONKEY DONOR
WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF WARREN IS FORMER GOLDMAN SACHS PARTNER AND
NEAL PATRICK HAIRLESS, MICHAEL NOVOGRATZ.
MR. NOVOGRATZ WAS INTERVIEWED BY "BLOOMBERG" ON FRIDAY, AND HE
TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHIDE HIS FELLOW MONEY BUDDIES:
"YOU'RE NOT VICTIMS.
YOU'RE THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU FEEL LIKE A VICTIM?"
TO WHICH RICH PEOPLE RESPONDED, "WELL, IF I'M NOT GOD'S VICTIM,
THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE NAME OF MY YACHT?"
( LAUGHTER )
CANDIDATE GIVING VOTERS SOME COLD FEET.
ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," MANY ESTABLISHMENT
DEMOCRATS ARE ASKING, "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE?"
NO!
TIM RYAN HAD TO DROP OUT BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH PODIUMS!
YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS, AND YOU'RE ASKING FOR MORE?
THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AND ASKING
FOR A FIVE-FOOT PARTY SUB!
NO!
YOUR MOTHER WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS MEAL.
SHE LEARNED HOW TO STUFF A HICKENLOOPER.
( LAUGHTER )
FRONTRUNNERS, OTHER CANDIDATES ARE STRUGGLING TO STAY IN
THE NEWS, LIKE FORMER MARYLAND CONGRESSMAN AND HANK HILL'S
NEIGHBOR FROM "KING OF THE HILL," JOHN DELANEY.
( APPLAUSE )
REALLY GOOD.
THIS WEEK, DELANEY'S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED A PROMOTION WHERE
DONORS WILL BE ENTERED INTO A CONTEST TO WIN A SEAT NEXT TO
DELANEY AT THE FOURTH GAME OF THE WORLD SERIES.
WHICH, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY TO REFRAME THE FACT THAT NOBODY
WANTED TO GO TO THE WORLD SERIES WITH JOHN DELANEY.
IN A PRESS RELEASE, DELANEY WROTE, "SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT
KNOW ABOUT ME IS THAT I'M A BIG BASEBALL FAN."
THANKS, JOHN.
ANOTHER THING I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU...
( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO-- SORRY!
( LAUGHTER )
GOT IN ON THE GAME, LIKE MONTANA'S STEVE BULLOCK, WHO
TWEETED, "IT AIN'T THE WORLD SERIES, BUT IF YOU COME TO THE
CROSS TOWN GAME IN HELENA THIS WEEKEND, I'LL BUY YOU A COKE."
ADDING, "AND IF YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND
MICHAEL BENNET, I'LL BUY YOU A CAR."