After a month of voting...
the people have spoken...
and instead of doing one...
we're going to do them all.
But which title achieved HGT immortality?
You'll have to watch to find out.
Welcome...to Gauntlet Month!
In third place...
The following trailer is rated "H" for "Honest".
When all the normal animals have been taken by other developers,
one protagonist will rise up to prove once and for all
that even fire-breathing monsters can become adorable platformer mascots--
Spyro.
Slide into the scales of the world's kid-friendliest dragon, Spyro,
ignored by his enemies because of his small size,
now the fate of the Dragon Realms rest on his tiny-winged shoulders
and it's up to him to take down the bad guys
and save all the big dragons
in the most kid-pandering storyline since Ender's Game.
Save the supersaturated world of Spyro with the help of your teammates, like...
a dragonfly that's also a sentient life bar,
a cheetah who's probably stoned,
Tinker Bell,
Dr. Light in mole form,
an avatar of the ruthlessness of capitalism,
and a half-deer, half-woman you should always safe search when Googling.
Then take on a horde of antagonists,
from fearsome monsters
from fearsome monsters to evil dragons
from fearsome monsters to evil dragons and lots
from fearsome monsters to evil dragons and lots and LOTS of innocent sheep.
That's...pretty messed up, Spyro...
Is this a race thing for you or something?
Deliver the Dragon Realms from the terrible curse of the collectathon,
a horrific affliction that fills the world with shiny looooot,
forcing you to scour every corner of the levels for gems,
forcing you to scour every corner of the levels for gems, chests
forcing you to scour every corner of the levels for gems, chests and other goodies
to satisfy the dark voice inside your head
that compels you to 100% games.
Maybe once I have all the things, I'll feel whole again.
Get back here, you f%$ker!
Experience the elegant simplicity of the early Spyro games
as you soar from one platform to the next
in intricate levels that force you to get the most from your glide.
Then scorch and gore your enemies
in a basic-ass combat system that gets the job done, but not much more,
until the reboot trilogy came along and made Spyro into a flashy action game
with a focus on repetitive combat that just made you wish you were playing the old games again,
in a natural process that happens to an aging game series, that we in the industry call
in a natural process that happens to an aging game series, that we in the industry call "Doing a Sonic".
Uncover the history of Spyro,
from his original trilogy of classic Insomniac 3D platformers,
To a handful of handheld games that were mediocre to fine,
his awkward adolescence in the early PS2 days,
the grittier, edgier reboots that hit him with the ugly stick,
and his current status as a cast member in Activision's popular money-sink, Skylanders,
in the most depressing thing to happen to a popular character
in the most depressing thing to happen to a popular character since that Devil May Cry reboot.
[Donte] "F*ck you!"
[Succubitch] "F*CK YOOOOUUUUU!!!"
So if your love for Spyro hasn't been spoiled by Happy Meal toys,
glide your way back into the series today
and wallow in your nostalgia as long as you possibly can,
because we'll probably never get another real Spyro game
until Skylanders is dead and buried.
Sorry, Spyro fans.
At least you'll always have weird fanart!
Starring...
Drake,
Jimminy,
Chester,
Tom Nook,
Bottles,
Checkpoint,
Vivi,
Faun Art,
Lil' Smaug,
Zug Zug,
and Reznor.
Puff the Magic Dragon.
You know, as good as Spyro is,
you gotta wonder if it's one of the reasons we have dragon furries.
REALLY makes you think...
Tune in the rest of the month for the gauntlet result.
Thank you for years of support. This month is for you guys.
Comment below on what you want me to read in my epic voice!
[in his best Peter Cullen impression] "My name is Optimus Prime, and i came here to dab"
[in his normal, epic voice] "Human get sick, ape get smart, then human kill ape. But not me! I run."
"why can't I be in deadpool 2?"
"I feel the need for Tweed"