(crowd chattering)
- Ooh.
That explains the 14 voicemails I have from you last night.
- Good morning.
Can I get you--
- Coffee.
- Thanks.
You first?
(rap music in foreign language)
(doorbell ringing)
- So did you find parking okay?
- Yeah, I parked like a block away.
- Cool, cool.
- It's nice, nice place.
- Thanks.
Oh, pfft.
I totally forgot that I poured some wine.
Here.
- I can't.
I'm sober, actually.
- (giggling) Holy fuck, what?
You serious?
- I don't drink.
- You don't drink like ever?
- Mm-Mm.
You okay?
- Yeah, you're okay.
Sorry, do you want some sink water
or like, I have,
- No, I'm good.
I'm just hanging out.
- Okay.
- I'm just happy to see you.
You can drink.
(mumbling)
- Oh, no.
So is he weird about you drinking?
- Really, not at first.
But fuck, it just would have been nice to know, you know?
Because then I wouldn't have drank
three fourths of the bottle myself.
(man scoffing)
Did that man over there just scoff at us?
- Who scoffs?
- Jesus fucking Christ.
- I haven't been scoffed at since I was a little girl.
- Whatever, how was your night?
- Oh.
I mean if it makes you feel any better
my date kind of stunk too.
- So you did have a night.
- Yeah that's why I didn't answer your calls.
- Ooh.
- Joe came over and
things got weird.
(fantastic music)
You know actually, I have a time turner.
Yeah, I'll go get it.
- Oh wow.
That's cool.
You bought one of these, huh?
- Straight from Hogwarts.
Just kidding, it's from Amazon.
- No.
- Well we were watching the Prisoner of Azkaban.
- Kate, you're not 11 anymore, so that's,
(mumbling)
what?
- I said it was my sexual fantasy.
- Why are you whispering?
- I'm at school, Kelsey, okay?
I don't feel comfortable.
- Hey, you have this, you have one of these.
That's cool.
- I got it with my robe.
- It's cool.
Here.
I'll give it back to you.
- Okay.
Careful with it.
- Yippididoo eeyoo.
Did you have any?
- No, I had M&Ms earlier actually.
I'm all, I'm good.
- These are my favorite.
- That's all, that's all you.
(crunching)
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
- Bedroom?
- Yeah, no, let's do that, totally.
- Okay, that's better.
Can you grab it?
Wonderful.
- Okay, so this is my room.
This is a painting I have.
- Looks like a picture.
- It's not.
It's not.
- Okay.
- Can you excuse me for just a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
Huh.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Kate.
- [Recording] This is Kate, please don't leave me a message.
- I am drunk.
And he's sober.
What the fuck to do?
What?
Can you even fuck sober?
Do I look like this in real life?
I can't even remember the last time
that I literally had sex for the first time sober.
I don't even know what to do with a dick
when I'm sober.
What, I'm supposed to shake hands with it?
You got voicemail but I, just think about it.
I can't stop peeing, oh my god.
I just found my recent box of pop tarts
in the tampon drawer.
This is gonna be fine.
This is great.
(buzzing)
- Oh god, I fucking hate it when guys do that.
- Right?
It's like I know where it is, buddy.
I don't need a guide.
So that's why I just took his head and like,
- [Joe] Nope.
- Ooh.
- You know there's a move that will satisfy
both of you, right?
(giggling)
sixty, nevermind.
- Can you spit on me?
- What?
- Like spit on me.
- Um, like for real, like spit?
- Yeah with your mouth, spit on me.
- I don't know if I can.
- [Joe] You can spit on me.
- I don't know.
- It's not that weird.
- I don't.
- Hey.
- Are you good?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My friend Kate called me in a panic
and I had to talk her down.
- Oh, is she okay?
- Yeah.
- So I was looking at this thing.
- Damn, right for it.
All right, Kels.
- I know, I know.
I know, I couldn't help myself.
I was just like so wet.
Like whoopsie, just falling right off my chair.
- What'd you say?
Whoo!
- I was like I'm wet right now.
Wooga- wooga, eeeeeh
blblblblb.
- Check please.
Some of us are trying to eat.
- Is this guy for fucking serious?
- What?
- Sorry, didn't know you were so much better than us.
- Never slipped off a chair before,
none of my problem.
- This guy's a fucking wet blanket over here.
Almost as wet as my pussy was last night.
Fucking douche bag.
- Okay, so anyway.
Physically speaking, if I were to spit up right now,
it would fall right back down on my face.
- All right well then we'll do it like,
we'll do it like this.
And then it would just fall, it would go on my face
and it won't go in yours.
Just trust me, it's super fucking hot.
- Oh.
I don't want.
I have a dry mouth.
- Whatever you can produce.
I want in on my face.
One good hock like a (spitting)
- Let's just go back to, remember where we were
before, before you?
- You can work it up.
You do this for me.
So then you can wear you little gear Harry Potter watch.
- It's a time turner and I'm gonna wear it regardless.
- Why is it so difficult?
It's not like you're,
you're the one spitting on me.
- No, I don't think I can.
- Just fucking, just spit on me.
Just spit on me!
Wow!
- I'm sorry.
To be fair, you said you wanted me.
Are you mad?
- No, no, not mad, I'm coming.
Ooh.
- [Kate] Your pants.
- Yup, in my pants.
That's where you made me do it.
- Fuck.
Fuck.
Can we, can we?
Okay.
You're drunk and I'm sober.
Maybe we can like, watch TV or something?
You know.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, no.
- [Guy] I'd want to.
- No, it's, you don't have to.
I have Hulu.
So we can.
- Yeah, we can do that.
- Cool.
- What?
- I know.
- Okay, that's like super respectful of him
and that's great or whatever but that sucks also.
What'd you` guys do?
- We just watched TV.
(heroic music)
- Oh.
That's nice.
Kelsey?
- Whatever, we just watched TV.
It wasn't a big deal.
- You don't normally.
- What, how was your night?
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know we finish up that,
- Harry Potter.
- [Joe] Yeah, Harry Potter.
Why don't we finish?
- I don't actually feel great.
- Do you want some soup?
- You wanna go get me soup?
- Yeah, I'll buy you soup if you're not feeling good.
I'm a nice guy, I'll buy you soup.
- I don't want you here.
- No.
What's up, what kind of nice guys are the fucking worst.
- I know.
They'll get you soup but they don't care
about making you come.
- Um, can I get you guys anything?
- Just the check will be great, thank you.
- I can't believe we have to find another new brunch spot.
- It's a blessing in disguise.
This place doesn't have bloody marys.
- I knew they were missing something.
- Yeah.
- Wait, do you wanna go get some now?
- Yeah, honestly I don't feel like
this hangover's going anywhere until I get
a little hair of the dog.
(guy scoffing)
- Oh my fucking God, dude.
What the fuck did we ever do to you?
Oh, yeah you keep going, keep going.
- I feel like I should just go home.
- What? No, dude.
Two for one buddies, that's our thing.
- I know, but if I drink more, I'm gonna have to eat more.
And I don't wanna eat more, I'm losing my neck.
- You're not even obese.
- I didn't say obese.
- What if I give you an Adderall?
- Okay.
Yeah that should help.
- If I give you an Adderall.
Oh shit dude, you know what, I can't find it.
- Should I rally?
Should I just rally?
I could do it.
- No, I mean like plus I'm already driving.
And I just like to see what my resting blood
alcohol level is normal as on a Sunday you know.
- Okay, yeah, we'll go home.
We'll be healthy today.
- Adult, I'll see you tomorrow.
- I'm not gonna eat too much, I'll see you tomorrow.
We're growing up ladies.
- It's fine.
- [Kate] Oh yeah.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Oh.
(ethereal electronic music)