I like it if the pilot has a Southern accent
when I get on to a plane.
That calms me down. You know why?
They say "hi" right away. They say "hello."
Have you ever been on a flight where
the pilot doesn't say anything,
and you're like 30 seconds from takeoff?
You freak, you're like, "Who's up there?"
"Who is doing this, okay?!
"We're kind of freaked out. Have been,
have been for a couple years, yeah."
"Say hello."
When I get onto a flight, if the flight crew
hasn't said hello, I freak out at my seat.
I'm like, "These are Russian terrorists."
"This is happening, this is happening right now."
"Are you ready for this?"
"Are you ready to be in a Steven Seagal movie?
Are you ready for that?
Does everyone here know slow uninteresting karate?
'Cause if you do, you can be the lead if you want...
to be the lead in this."
You know when the flight crew's Southern.
You're walking to your seat. "Really, we're already
talking about the Forth of July? It's February."
That's small-talk you can't teach.
You either got it or you don't.
Love it when the pilot's Southern.
"Hey, how you folks doing back there?"
Whole lot better now that I know you're in charge.
"We're going to take this thing upstairs to God's country."
Oh...
Ah... What?
What did he just sa... ah...
Ah, like a good hurt.
Ow, but oh, I like it.
"Sorry that we're getting out of the gate kind of late today."
"We're gonna fly it like we stole it. (chuckles)"
"Who's, uh, who's up there, huh?"
"Mr. Perfect-pants? Who's flying this thing?"
"Fly like we stole, okay, yeah, no one stole anything."
I think no one got the joke. "No one stole anything."
"He's just going to fly faster, if you're wo... interest..."
"Yeah, yeah, it's a joke."
"Well, you should have your headphones off.
The door's closed. So, you should have those off."
I'm that guy on the flight, I'm like, "(fake laugh) Him!"
"Him, he's the one who doesn't care about other people."
Just take a big ol' sip here of my diarrhea cup
if ya'll don't mind.
Mmm, it's good, it's showbiz, showbiz.
A lot of people drink diarrhea.
You ever been on a flight and the person sitting next to you
gets up to go to the bathroom?
And they're gone for just a really long time?
You freak out, don't you?
You know you freak out. You're like, "Okay, what is this?"
How do you even report that?
(overhead beep)
"Hi, yeah, no, the guy sitting next to me,
"uh, he's been gone for quite a bit.
"He's either poopity-pooping, or...
he is a terrorist. There's no... It's one or the other."
"There's no middle ground, not these days."
"One or the other."
You guys ever steal an old person?
Oh, I guess everyone here has their grandparents.
Some of us don't; we got to replace ours, okay?
Here's a tip:
Old people in wheelchairs...
rarely turn around to see who's pushing 'em.
You're at the store, you see a wheelchair...
No one's stopping you.
"Hey, where you going with that old person?"
That's never been said. That's the first time that's been said.
"Hey, where you going with those old people?!"
No one's asking that. No one cares.
When old people are around, everybody's thought is,
"Hey, (murmurs): get these old people out of there.
Get them out of here." Okay, I'll help.
Don't say anything.
You get out to the parking lot-- "That's not our car."
Get in!
You're my grandmother now.
Folks, find the positive.
I have seven grandmothers right now.
You know how great that is?
Seven grandmothers?
I love the one grandmother; her love is so strong.
Try seven!
I'm leaving in the morning, make an announcement.
"Hey, I'll be home at 3:00!
"Everybody bakes cookies!
Everybody. We'll see who did the best."
I come home at 3:00-- "Home!
"Let's do it!
Grandmother number one."
"Was that raisins? What was that?"
"Hey, hey...
"act like you want it.
"Grandmother number two!
"Ooh, is that mint chocolate chip?
Good for you."
"Mmm! (chuckles) Mmm!
(giggling)
"Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
(giggling)
(giggling continues)
"Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
"Mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmm.
"We have a winner!
"Other five, no need to test.
"Get out of here. Do a lap.
Guess who gets to watch an hour of