YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T WE CHECK IN WITH THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE?
WAS THERE BIG NEWS TODAY FOR REPUBLICANS OR MAYBE ME?
>> THE RACE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE KICKING OFF THIS
MORNING, TEXAS SENATOR TED CRUZ ANNOUNCING ON TWITTER
OVERNIGHT THAT HE IS NOW RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
>> THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL SEASON IS NOW UNDER WAY.
>> LET THE RACE BEGIN.
>> WAIT, NOW IT BEGINS THE RACE?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS?
WHAT ARE WE SCAMPING AROUND THESE PEOPLE WHILE THEY WERE
BRUNCHING AT BILLIONAIRE CLUBS AND DEEP-THROATING EVERY IOWA
PIG FARMER WITHIN YODELING DISTANCE.
(LAUGHTER) THAT SENTENCE HAD MORE FUNNY
WORDS PER SENTENCE IN IT.
DEEP-THROATING PIG FARMERS, YODELLING, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
FIND A BETTER FUNNY SENTENCE THAN THAT.
BUT ALL RIGHT, I GUESS, IT STARTED TODAY WITH CRUZ'S
ANNOUNCEMENT.
VIRGINIA'S LEGENDARY LIBERTY UNIVERSITY, THE CONSERVATIVE
CHRISTIAN SCHOOL FOUNDED BY JERRY FALWELL.
STAKES WERE HIGH.
BUT CRUZ'S LEVEL OF PREPARATION, HIGHER.
>> CRUZ AND HIS FAMILY DID A WALK-THROUGH AT LIBERTY
UNIVERSITY WHERE HE WILL GIVE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT SPEECH
TODAY.
EVEN PRACTICING THE WAVING AND KISSING.
>> I MAY OWE MITT ROMNEY AN APOLOGY.
EVEN THE MITT ROMNEY TRON 3,000 DIDN'T HAVE TO
REHEARSE WAVING AND KISSING.
>> OKAY, JON. OKAY. THAT IS NOT FAIR AT ALL.
>> Jon: I MEAN, COME ON.
>> JON, THAT IS NOT FAIR AT ALL.
>> SAM AND JASON WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> YEAH, JON, LISTEN. NO, NO, NO PLEASE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DO YOU REALLY-- JON, DO
YOU REALLY THINK KISSING BETWEEN MARRIED PEOPLE JUST
HAPPENS NATURALLY?
>> I GUESS I DID. I JUST THOUGHT --
>> OH MY GOD, NO.
>> IT TAKES YEARS OF PRACTICE.
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD WE DO IT? LET'S SHOW HIM.
>> YEAH. OKAY.
>> Jon: OH.
>> SHE ALWAYS MESSES IT UP. HERE IT'S LIKE THIS.
>> OKAY.
>> Jon: NO. HOW LONG YOU HAVE TWO BEEN MARRIED?
>> I DON'T KNOW, LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH, WE SHOULD REALLY PRACTICE SECOND BASE.
>> OH OKAY.
>> YEAH, YEAH. KAY. OH, IT FEELS GOOD.
>> NOT EASY, JON, NOT EASY.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, SAM BEE AND JASON JONES, EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE) HAVE THEY BEEN THERE MAKING OUT
THE WHOLE TIME AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT?
AND THEN ITS WITH TIME FOR THE
BIG SPEECH.
LET'S SEE HOW THE LIBERTY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WELCOMED
THE SENATOR.
WHOOO, THE EXCITEMENT, THE PASSION.
THE RAND PAUL T-SHIRTS.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT-- THAT IS SOMEWHAT AWESOME.
(LAUGHTER) BUT COME ON, GUYS,
DON'T SHOW UP AT THE SENATOR'S BIG DAY WEARING
THE OTHER TEAM'S JERSEY.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THERE, JUST DON'T BE THERE.
>> THE STUDENTS WERE REQUIRED TO BE HERE.
IT IS A WEEKLY CONVOCATION THAT STUDENTS HAVE.
>> Jon: THEN CARRY ON.
OF COURSE NO CAMPAIGN LAUNCH WOULD BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT SOME WEIRDLY THIRD PERSON AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
>> IMAGINE ANOTHER TEENAGE BOY, BEING RAISED IN HOUSTON,
HEADING OFF TO SCHOOL, OVER A THOUSAND MILES AWAY FROM
HOME AT A PLACE WHERE HE KNEW NOBODY.
WHERE HE WAS ALONE AN SCARED.
>> DUDE.
YOU WENT TO PRINCETON.
LIKE I MEAN, DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU GOT FORCED ON TO
THE TRAIN TO HOGWARTS.
ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE EASIEST SORTING HAT
EVER.
SLYTHERIN, SLYTHERIN IT IS.
BUT-- CRUZ, CRUZ LOOKED TO THE FUTURE.
>> I WANT TO ASK EACH OF YOU TO IMAGINE, IMAGINE A
PRESIDENT WHO SAYS I WILL HONOR THE CONSTITUTION.
IMAGINE ABOLISHING THE IRS.
INSTEAD OF A GOVERNMENT, THAT SEIZES YOUR E-MAILS,
AND YOUR CELL PHONES, IMAGINE A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
THAT PROTECTS THE PRIVACY RIGHTS OF EVERY AMERICAN.
>> Jon: WE GET IT, YOU ARE A FAN OF JOHN LENNON AND SMALL
GOVERNMENT.
YOU'RE A SMALL GOVERNMENT CONSERVATIVE FREEDOM GOOD,
BIG BROTHER BAD.
WHICH MAKES THE NEXT PART OF THE SPEECH KIND OF
UNEXPECTED.
>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO BREAK A RULE HERE TODAY.
>> Jon: I WANT YOU TO TURN TO THE PERSON TO YOUR RIGHT
AND SODOMIZE THEM.
>> AND TO TAKE OUT YOUR CELL PHONES.
>> Jon: OH, ALL RIGHT. TAKE OUT YOUR CELL PHONE.
NOT AS REBELIOUS AS I THOUGHT BUT OKAY.
I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU BUT THOSE KIDS CELL PHONES
WERE ALREADY OUT.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE BORING.
LET'S JUST SAY YOU'RE MORE INTERESTING ON SNAPCHAT.
BUT THE POINT IS THIS-- YOU WERE SAYING IMAGINE, YOU KNOW,
THEY DON'T GET YOUR RECORDS, WHAT ARE THESE LIBERTY LOVERS
SUPPOSED TO DO.
>> TAKE OUT YOUR CELL PHONES.
TEXT THE WORD CONSTITUTION TO THE NUMBER 33733.
ONCE AGAIN, TEXT CONSTITUTION TO 33733.
>> Jon: THE THING IS, HE NEVER EXPLAINED WHAT 33733
IS.
HE JUST WANTED THEM TO TEXT IT.
SO LET ME CLARIFY THIS A LITTLE BIT.
STUDENTS AT LIBERTY UNIVERSITY WERE REQUIRED TO
ATTEND A PARTISAN POLITICAL SPEECH WHERE A SMALL
GOVERNMENT CONSERVATIVE WHO HAD JUST PROMISED HE WOULD
RESPECT PRIVACY RIGHTS TOLD THEM IF THEY CARED ABOUT
FREEDOM, TEXT YOUR INFORMATION TO A MYSTERIOUS
ADDRESS THAT COLLECTS YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER FOR
UNDISCLOSED PURPOSES.
IMAGINE ALL THE PEOPLE, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.